Some of my beautiful friends from Wipe Ever Tear!!!
This was my Facebook post then night I had to pack up and prepare to leave the Philippines:
“Im going to need some prayers over the next few days. I can’t leave the Philippines.
I have seen and felt things here that I haven’t in such a long time! I feel like I’m in a family. A whole family. I have been given the capacity to love more even when I felt out and didn’t think there was any left in me. Then I was able to be loved more in return. God sure is cute in those ways… I come home to hugs and kisses and greetings covered in true love. Genuine greetings from I missed you today AteBeth, come play with us or want to go to market? to I LOVE YOU SO MUCH ATE BETH!!
This month… Wrecked me.
I’m so completely imperfect and this perfect family of 46 girls, 2 toddlers, and a cat have called me up, called me out, and truly is making me be the Beth I want to be. I’m not done growing, singing karaoke, having adventures with Salve, going to Filipino school, eating wild foods, learning Tagalo, riding tricycles & jeepneys, 8pm devotions every night, grocery shopping at the mall, yelling at the neighbors dog when it barks ALL NIGHT. I’m not done dancing like I’m 10, sharing a bathroom with 23 girls, helping Darien with school work, waking up to a 2 year old giggling in my face, art reach, sleeping in the living room, going to the park, hearing Lalyn stories, hanging my laundry up to dry, leaving my shoes at the door and feeling truly loved deep down in my heart!!! I now have a family in the Philippines that I plan on seeing again before heaven!
Please pray for this transition from the Philippines to Thailand, that my heart and mind will be totally consumed by Gods glorious will in all of this. Pray that this isn’t a forever goodbye instead just a sweet sweet see ya soon.”
God created each of us with the capacity to feel and express emotions. But unfortunately sometimes in life, when trials come or suffering seems to not relent we lock them up, we say “bye emotions, see ya never.” Thinking that maybe it’s better to be stone faced, unemotional, “in control” and emotionally disconnected to the relationships right in front of us.
This month I’ve learned more about the gift of emotions but more importantly the gift of sharing them. Now seriously I’m not one to cry often or to fall fast in love, I’m guarded. I’ve been hurt and I’ve shamelessly built a pretty sturdy wall around my heart. What I’ve learned is that by gradually building that wall that not only have I not let a lot of Love in …I haven’t exactly let a lot of Love out.
When we love, we experience the fullness of God.
I tell myself all the time, “We LOVE because He first Loved us!” 1 John 4:19
He created it! He’s the best at it, and Beth you’ve been missing out!
Have I been some “strong” Miss Independent, self sufficient, go-getter, with big dreams? Have I been numb and oblivious to the fact that Im really missing out on something extravagant? What is going on God?
Well I know whats going on…
Over the past two or so years I’ve gone through some serious change. No matter how badly I wish it wasn’t true, I have experienced a few tragedies that have changed my life. Because of this I, unfortunately am no stranger to heart wrenching, life changing sorrow, and heart pain.
Because of what we’ll call for now my “life happenings” I slowly became cold, distant. I found myself needing significant amounts of alone time to stay sane, to protect myself from feeling scattered or not all here. Yes, I have some insanely AWESOME friends with whom I LOVE to spend time with, but I found myself craving hours of solitude being only with me myself and I, a box of cereal, and more alone time than this extravert really asked for.
This has never been me! Never! Hey I’m an ENFJ! I’m fun, I’m loving, I’m even fun-loving! What happened? Somehow over the past two years that side of me slowly peace’d out….
Why? Because walls.
Though they are great for privacy and necessary safety, they can also create a loneliness so vapid and cold that we forget who we are outside of them. Boom.
Part of my struggle with letting my walls down / letting myself be loved will probably come as a surprise to you. I was and still am relentlessly focused on my dreams for my life and my goals. For example….. going on the World Race. Man if you only knew the hours I spent shamelessly watching and crying over videos that racers had posted from the field. I read so many blogs that I’m actually surprised I didn’t know EVERYONE at training camp. I have been so driven to achieve this dream, that I somehow forgot to make room for other things like remembering my emotional health and LOVE.
Ok, what? Crazy. I know. I didn’t do it on purpose, who would do that? #NervousLaugh I just chalked it up as I’m extremely determined to achieve whatever it is that I have set out to do and that I feel the God has placed this passion inside of me so everything else comes second. Even emotions? Yes. Even emotions. ( This is also a new-ish revelation.)
I have the ability to fend for myself. You can even hear me say from time to time (in my best Madea voice) “ I’m a strong independent woman, and I don’t need no man.” What I really meant is, Oh I’m afraid of relying on others no matter how much I trust them. Sorry I’m not sorry. I’m independent and unique and everyone needs to respect that.
Its been years since I last truly relied on the presence of another person to help me. No matter the task. I have convinced myself that I can do it, whatever IT is at the time. For example, I can’t tell you how many preliminary pageants I did all alone, waking up at 4am, driving 4 hours across the state of Alabama, spending $80 in gas, $20 on food, and in tears the majority of the ride home not from not winning but from sheer exhaustion and loneliness. I wouldn’t let anyone in on it, I didn’t need help to fulfill a job and I didn’t know what I needed. Omg the more I write the crazier and more depressed I sound. I promise this didn’t last forever….
I am growing in Love, in faith, in hope, and in being LOVED!
I have a lot of Love to give, I know I do! I spent such a long time blocking it out and building a wall of “ protection” around my heart. Now what I’m figuring out is that I like EVERYONE else on the planet wants to love and be loved. I want to look more like Jesus by the way I love others. To do that I need to let em in!
I want to feel all emotions the way that people who haven’t built walls feel. Because of Gods AMAZING abounding Love in the Philippines and on, this is becoming my reality.
It’s a hard realization to come to and I’m forever thankful for the women of Wipe Every Tear that live in the Faith house, Grace house, and Hope house in Quezon City, Philippines! They loved me so well that my walls were no match.
GOD WRECKED Me good in the Philippines. I know this blog is a bit late but it’s my real life. It’s what I’m going through and it’s what I want you to know.
This year is hard. The world race is hard. It’s real hard. It’s a refining process. It’s a redefining process. It’s seeing the Jesus inside of others in ways you never thought possible. And it’s learning how to let your walls down, and how to be loved and LOVE extravagantly in return!
Hey, thanks for caring and for sticking through my process that is this blog. I love you!
Peace and Blessings,
Beth (in Cambodia) Milam
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My FINAL deadline of $16,200 is March 1st. I’m so blessed to be sharing this journey with you and am currently 75% funded! We are so close! Thank you for helping me GO, will YOU help me STAY?
#BethBeyondBorders #InThePhilippinesAsItIsInHeaven
Then I heard the voice of The Lord saying,
“whom shall I send? And who will go for us?”
And I said, “Here am I. SEND ME!”
Isaiah 6:8
