Busy streets in Phnom Penh.
I ran along the crowded street, feeling pretty proud of myself for being just 30 seconds away from successfully dodging cars, tuk tuks, bikes, motorcycles, and mopeds to complete my running track for the day. I saw the steps ahead of me and lunged toward them, swerving to miss the moped, and jumping in the air to land on the top step.
Only, it didn’t quite happen as planned. I missed the step, came tumbling down, landing on my left elbow and leg in an attempt to keep my head from hitting the concrete. My right foot came down, cracking hard on the edge of the step, as I heard the gasps of the onlookers from the crowded street. I didn’t have to look up to know that every Cambodian around, on foot, motorcycle, truck, or tuk tuk was now facing my direction, staring at the silly American girl who had just not-so-gracefully fallen to the ground.
This is about how graceful I looked…. actually, I think I would be thankful if I even looked this graceful…
But worse than my cut and bleeding elbow or my throbbing foot was the pain of feeling my pride drop to the ground. I hobbled myself the rest of the way home, fighting back the tears that threatened to fall, mainly due to my lost pride, and God reminded me to continue reciting the verse He had taken me to that morning, the verse Allyson had encouraged me to find the night before and meditate on all day:
~2 Corinthians 4:7-12
For an entire week, I had been struggling. Struggling with apathy, struggling because I had no desire to love my team, no desire to spend time with the Lord in His word or worship Him, no desire to be a part of my team or this thing called the World Race, and honestly no desire to even get out of bed for ministry each morning. I was drowning. I knew it. And I hated it. I wanted to desire these things. I wanted to love my team well, to wake up every morning and hunger for more and more of Him, to take advantage of every opportunity, to serve our contacts well by going above and beyond in ministry. But my head and my heart didn’t match.
I withdrew. I spent free time playing games and watching movies, searching Pinterest and taking naps.
And then Allyson sought me out. My initial reaction was, “Great! Someone to sympathize with me! A shoulder to cry on! Someone who’s going to tell me it’s all okay!” That didn’t last long. After sharing with Allyson where I was, what was going on, and what my feelings were, she responded “I’m not going to let you stay in this funk.” Thanks, Allyson. Not exactly what I wanted to hear. She went on reminding me that “The joy of the Lord is our strength,” among other things I didn’t want to hear at that moment, but definitely needed to hear. She then challenged me to find a verse the next morning to meditate on throughout the day… something about His joy or strength.
The next morning, I did drag myself out of bed…. After hitting the snooze button several times. I started off the morning with this prayer:
He sent me to the passage in 2 Corinthians 4 and I immediately knew it was the passage I needed to meditate on for the day.
I had been spending the month asking God how I could “die to self” and requesting that He “break down my pride.” He definitely showed me so much in both of these areas this month. And it hurt. It was hard. It was challenging. And I didn’t like it. Rather than continuing to turn to Him each time He showed me an area where I needed to work on these things or let things go, I kept pushing through on my own strength. Until I couldn’t do it anymore. I had no strength left to go on. I was empty. I had nothing left in me.
I have nothing to offer, but He has everything to offer. On my own, I will wear down, get tired, feel defeated, but if I am trusting in His strength and relying on Him to fill me up, He will sustain me. I die to self so I can have LIFE with Him.
So, with spring and Easter right around the corner, I’m praying a new prayer:
