The Lord is a pursuer. He desires to pursue His children, and He is faithful to continue to seek our hearts. Although as His children, we think we have grasped a lesson He desires to teach us, but we truly struggle to grasp and embrace what He has for us.
This month has been a challenging month to totally grasp what He has placed in my heart. At the beginning of the month, I hated being sick. I hated being sick to my stomach all the while feeling lightheaded and weak. I felt useless and worthless. I became frustrated with God—why wouldn’t He heal me so I can return to the ministry and invest in the people around me? Isn’t His heart for me to serve His people? I can’t serve lying in a bed nor can I serve with half my glass full because of headaches, dizziness and such.
After 11 days of in and out of sick days and participating in some of the ministry, the frustrations broke me emotionally. The Lord brought me to a place of brokenness. After being prayed over by some of my teammates, the Lord showed me that I was struggling with a performance mindset.
I felt that I wasn’t reaching the standard or expectations of others, or of His heart when I was sick and at home resting. I felt judged by others because I was “weak” and “resting.” I was also reminded that we are all called to serve in different ways, and I didn’t need to forget the importance of prayer. Prayer is a ministry in itself—that as I stayed back, I could be lifting up the teams serving in different ways.
That day, I rested spiritually in the Lord. I saw His heart for my spiritual state. He desired to heal my heart. That is His priority. My earthly body will pass away and fail, but my spiritual soul will stand, so the development and health of it is worth more value eternally.
Over the next week or so, I was able to get back into ministry more frequently and consistently. I was excited that the Lord had given me the opportunity to step back in, but all the while, I knew I still wasn’t 100% physically. I still struggled with headaches and dizziness.
Down in my heart, I didn’t know what to do. I knew my parents were flying in to visit in a few days, and I wanted to be at full speed with them and I hoped that the Lord would continue to strengthen my body.
However, I pushed my body to another point of neglect.
As we started the week with our parents, I started struggling again. Similar symptoms from the beginning of the month were starting to build up again. Letting anxiety and stress build—thinking I would be able to push through.
But that is where I went wrong. I neglected the Lord’s calling. I neglected His heart. I tried to do it. I was basking in the performance mindset again. Struggling to push through the physical symptoms led to a night being told by a fellow parent (who is a doctor) that I was dehydrated and would need to take 3 days off.
This meant missing out on the volcano visit. This meant not taking my parents to the lagoon. This mean hanging out in a bedroom for several days. How was this fun? How could the Lord use this with my family? What a frustrating point to get to!
I knew that the Lord was waiting there to hold me. I knew that the Lord was ready to captivate my heart’s attention again, to show me His sovereignty in this situation. But that wasn’t easy for my heart to accept in that moment. I just felt guilty. I felt like I was disappointing my parents and cutting into the wholeness of their trip here to Nicaragua.
However, the Lord showed me that He wanted me to rest and spend time with Him. He had things to show me in those three days.
1. I try to do too much sometimes. I choose to perform instead of serve. Instead, the Lord has called me to allow the community around me to be used. To allow their gifts to be used—empower the body to operate as the body. As the Bible says in 1 Corinthians 12: 18, 21: “But in fact God has arranged the parts in the body, every one of them, just as he wanted them to be….The eye cannot say to the hand, “I don’t need you!” And the head cannot say to the feet, “I don’t need you!”
2. I am carrying fear, anxiety and guilt. I was allowing my heart to carry unnecessary stress that was not from Him. I was anxious about the future—tomorrow, the next three months, what life would be like after the race, etc. I was carrying guilt for missing out on activities or bringing down others because of my absence. All of these fears and anxieties were out of my control and not of the Lord. I needed to surrender them at His feet, daily…and sometimes moment-by-moment. This is something I am working through each day, a continuous awareness of my thoughts and then realigning my thoughts to His.
Isaiah 26:3
“You will keep in perfect peace him whose mind is steadfast,
because he trusts in you.”
