October has been a month of God revealing areas of my heart that need conviction. Warning: These aren’t pretty aspects of my heart.
He has revealed that my thoughts have not been captivated well. I let daydreaming of the future catch my attention.
As I have walked through this struggle this month, He revealed that it captivates my attention for 2 reasons.
In terms of my relational future, I feel entitled to certain things. I compare my life to others, and think that because I have ‘obeyed more’ or ‘released more’ (i.e., lost friendships, moved to a new state), that I should be blessed with a husband and a great community when I get home. I feel like I should be given these things because of my actions. However, in reality, I don’t deserve anything and I was being a snobby daughter of the Most High King.
In terms of my job/career future, I feel inadequate and incapable, so I fret and worry about how to walk forward in obedience. I know that He desires for me to open a jewelry shop on ETSY, but I don’t have any experience and feel like my abilities aren’t good enough. Also I question how the community center will even begin and how I could even begin this process.
I was reminded of a vision that my squad coach had for me in Thailand. She saw my door of teaching closing and God leading me down the hall toward a new door. However, God just wanted me to enjoy dancing in the hallway, and not worry about which door would open. But now, ten months later, I have grown comfortable in the hallway. I fear walking through this new door that He has opened for me now.
Another area came up this weekend when a teammate mentioned that I was acting kind of weird this week. I spent time asking the Lord what was going on. And I came to needing to guard my tongue more (whether that is more positive words or less sarcastic words). I don’t want to have confusion for others come when I speak—I want encouragement and life to flow through my words. During a church sermon, the pastor was warning against hardened hearts—and a lot of this month, my ears have been hurting, and I questioned the physical ailment. Was it related to a deeper issue? Were my ears hardened to His voice, and my physical body showing a spiritual issue? As I repented for choosing not to listen to the Father and letting my ears fall away from His voice, I noticed that my ears were feeling less pressure and pain.
Prayers:
I am asking the Lord to remind me of the freedom he has given me—that these struggles don’t hold me down, but I am released from their grip and allow them to refine my heart. Also I desire to seek to honor Him and others in all that I do (no matter how small that word or activity might be). And that even though I feel like I’m swimming in chaos some days, He is the peace that holds me and anchors my hope.
