Hey there!
So this is a pretty vulnerable post.
I originally set out to write a letter to family and close friends back home to try and detail what I’m going through as I start thinking about life after the World Race, but God had other plans and told me to post this; so here goes.
Yes there are still three months left, but when I look back at the past eight months, I realize just how fast that time will go. So, these are some of my thoughts going into the next few months:
Dear _____:
Some of this may sound crazy, some of it might make sense, and this is probably just as much for me as it is me to you, but this is to let you know exactly how I’m feeling/what I’m thinking as I begin the process of winding down the World Race and then transitioning back home.
First of all, the World Race is the single hardest, most amazing, frustrating, fruitful and growing thing I’ve ever done. This past year has changed my life more than I’ll ever be able to communicate and the relationships I’ve formed are some of the deepest I’ve ever had. This past year I’ve grown, laughed till it hurt, cried harder than ever, been brought to both my lowest and highest, and seen God move in ways I’d only ever read about in the Bible. I’ve seen people get healed, I’ve seen many get saved, I’ve seen God rock the world around me; and to sum it up, I’m very different than I was a year ago.
When I left on the Race, I was living out my faith as best I could but didn’t realize just how much more there is. I wasn’t living in the true, full power and authority of the Holy Spirit and all that comes with that. I’ve learned and seen that there’s so much more than so many people in America realize and as I’ve poured into this, I’ve seen more of the fullness of God than I ever imagined was possible. From gifts, ministry, to life in general, God has opened my eyes to new and incredible things.
So, the reason I’m writing this to you is to try to give you a picture of how I’ve changed and to let you know I’m gonna need your help, love, and support more than ever when I get back home.
My biggest fear/prayer this year hasn’t been about safety or ministry but has actually been that, when I get home, I will go back to my old comfort zone instead of taking what I’ve learned this year and impacting those around me. The enemy has fired a lot of doubts and fears at this area, and even though I know God will walk with me through it, it can be hard not to let these hit deep sometimes.
Some of the things I want to bring home are:
Worship. I have no desire to go back to how I worshiped before the Race. Regardless of what others are doing or how I look, I want to bring back worshiping with abandon. I want to raise my arms, jump, kneel, cry, or just sit in the presence of God, worshiping however He leads me to. The doubt that comes with this is that others will think I’m crazy or that I’ll “look weird” if I’m the only one and the fear is that I’ll stop worshiping the way I love because of others.
Gifts. I’ve been able to dig into my giftings and even seen new ones revealed over the course of the Race and I want to walk in even more boldness when I get home. My gifts include: visions, dreams, words of knowledge, listening prayer (literally having a conversation with God), shepherding, wisdom, knowledge, some prophecy, and maybe healing (I’m exploring this one right now). These are things we talk about all the time in America but that I’ve never seen much action on. I want everyone to walk fully in their gifts and know that God isn’t impersonal but wants to and will communicate with you soooo much and so clearly. My doubts/fears are similar to above in that others might think I’m crazy if I have a word for them or if I tell them about a vision/dream I had. God just speaks so clearly to us if we’re willing to actually make the time and listen and I don’t ever want to stop walking in these gifts
Evangelism/ATL. ATL stands for Ask The Lord and it’s one way to do ministry/evangelism. Basically, you spend some time with the Lord and just ask Him what He has for the day and where He wants you to go. Sometimes He’ll give you colors, places, people, scripture, or really anything and then you watch that come to pass as you go out and just minister to people. This also includes praying for people. It doesn’t matter if they get healed or not but just pray for everyone and anyone and give God that opportunity to work and move and He will. My doubts/fears with this are that I won’t have any support. Obviously I can do this on my own and plan to, but I also want to do it with others. I want to take people out to evangelize. I want to go on treasure hunts with friends (ATL but then you go around specifically searching for the things God has highlighted for you). I want to do listening prayer for each other and play with God (things like someone closing their eyes and praying till someone taps their shoulder and then, without opening their eyes, speaking what God reveals to them for the unknown person in front of them). I just want to show and live these things out with others.
Other than that, there’s other stuff that might make people think I’m crazy – such as possibly choosing to live out of a van, going to a discipleship school, and/or acting on God calling me to not have a job during most/all of 2020 – and I’m just gonna need support and love.
Coming home is also going to be stressful just from the culture shock. To go from so many different cultures/places back to a place where life is so much faster, people are all speaking my language so I can understand everything (info overload), and also missing the people I spent 11 months with and have learned to rely on in everything will be really tough.
So, I guess at the end of the day, I’m just asking for your support/love even more as I begin this transition. I have so many different thoughts and feelings right now that I’m just relying on God because I can’t handle them all on my own. This letter in no way is meant to put myself above you or anyone else; I just have to get all these thoughts out and communicate them to someone. I can’t wait to see everyone when I get home and am so excited to be able to spend time with you. Before that though, I wanted to give you some insight into my life lately because, even after all this, I still don’t fully know how I’m gonna handle being home. I’m just praying – and know – that God will take the lead on all this.
Until then, I’m focused on living a day at a time, knowing it’ll all come to pass in the right time.
God Bless!
-Ben
