About a two months ago I wrote a blog called "Thinking Critically Thining" in which I got a number of personal responses. I was and am thankful for the encouragements and prayers from those following. I wanted to give you a follow up blog and actually wrote this blog the day before leaving on our trek but the computer froze and it never got out. So, I'm rewriting it to you now. The "freedom train" as I call it marks a turning point in my life…but let me first rewind a bit for you.
The last five years of my life have certainly raised a few eyebrows for those closest to me I'm sure. The kid who had never been south of Chicago or East of Detroit coming to college somehow exploded all over the world. WIthin the past 4 to 5 years I've been in something like 40 states and 30 countries. I've gone from teaching in Senegal to teaching on St. Paul Island in the Bering Sea. I've been on the race and seen all sorts of areas of the world. From there Haiti beckoned and drew me in. Thoughout all of this time there was an unsettled drive of sorts that drew me closer to Jesus. It also drew me away from some of myself. The bible says that whoever loses his life for my (Jesus') sake, will find it…These years have been a process of me losing my life in Him.
These years haven't been easy to explain to those who want concrete answers or explanations. Even my future steps seem murky at best to others and approacing the subject often brought tension inside of me. At the end of the day I didn't really have the answers or directions I was going…but I knew with everything in me that I needed to be taking the next step into that unknown. I remember how hard it was to take my first steps away from the normal knowing full well that some of those close to me didn't either get it or support me. I took comfort in knowing that there were others who did and would regardless of where the path was taking me. However, for a young people pleaser, going a different way was a hard thing to initially swallow.
Over time I found that continuing on a path that was not the norm got easier and harder. My desire to live by pleasing people was diminishing and yet I was feeling that fewer and fewer people were really going to understand me. There was a loneliness that was tied with it and yet it drew me closer to God in a way that made me realize in a tangible way that I'd never be alone. There were countless nights in the Bering Sea that I went to my quiet place in the midst of a storm (both figurative and literal) to find my refuge. It was a hard year…It was also an intimate year.
Somehow I started to see things clearer in my life. Likewise I somehow started to be blinded more in my life. There were some deep changes occuring deep inside of me and I somehow chose semi-subconsciously to put up some walls with those who I didn't think understood me. Now it's true that some of the people I put up walls with just didn't get me. It's also true that some of those people understood what I was about to go through more than I did but I let my perception rule my judgment. It's also true that others put up walls with me for their "safety." Regardless, the end result was that there were walls up in my heart with some of the people closest to me but from my perspective it looked like they were the ones responsible.
For about 7 years of my life I felt as though I was going through a storm or fire…I mentioned a little bit about fires in my previous blog and I think it's worth looking at if you haven't yet. During this time there was a lot of crap that came to the surface. Some of it offended me. Some of it may have offended you. I started seeing the judgment, pride, criticism, and arrogance that somehow is embedded in my family tree to differing levels. I saw it first in some of my family…then it was like I was looking in the mirror. I went through bouts of fighting these things and being frustrated with them. I'd achieve a level of false humility and focus on doing a lot of good things that seemed to cover it all until something made it pop up in another area of my life.
One such area that it attacked hard was porn. If you've many of my blogs I guess that's no surprise to you because I've been pretty candid with it. I literally tried just everything I knew to be victorious over it and free from it. My human flesh craved it. Everything else inside of me despised it. Kinda sounds like I was serving two masters eh? Well, the Christian advice I received often led to discipline. So I worked really hard to be disciplined to change my behavior…change my habits…change my thuoghts. It even worked for periods of time. I know what it's like to not struggle with lust for 8, 9, 10 month stints…and yet for some reason I'd somehow find myself back in it even if it was for a day or week…What a battle…Every man's battle to some degree…but why couldn't I stay victorious?
Well…answers to that are coming in the next blog…
In the meantime, here are some more blogs that are directly related to the freedom train and my transition:
http://bennyv.theworldrace.org/?filename=unworthiness
http://bennyv.theworldrace.org/?filename=the-great-because-and-the-ultimate-challenge-to-reentry
http://bennyv.theworldrace.org/?filename=breaking-the-cycle-beyond-the-dross
