Today I found myself reading a chapter of a book called “Hallowed Be Thy Names” by David Wilkerson that focuses on the names of God with Chris and Cameron. The premise of the book is that we don’t truly know the names of God personally. We may know what He is called but we don’t know Him personally in which the name would suggest. For instance, I may know that He is a God that heals but if I have never been aware of the ways He has healed me, than I don’t personally understand that name of God in as intimate of a way as He has made available to me. The author focused on certain names of God and has tried to relay the lessons of the heart he has learned connected to those names instead of merely a head knowledge of what the names mean.
The chapter we read was about the Lord as our Righteousness.
A few days ago we were a part of a “burn” which is a 24 (actually 28) hour worship and prayer time focused on the city of Berlin. Our world race group was allotted a 2 hour set to help lead in this. Obviously we were also in and out of the room throughout the day and night as well. Either way, it was a good starting point for our group as we worshiped Him. In all honesty though, we knew we had more levels of depth to reach even if those around us who didn’t know us, didn’t.
Last night we were invited to a coffee shop in the city of Berlin to worship. Last night we jumped another level of worship and it felt good. I’m not sure how much the casual reader understands about “spiritual climate and warfare.” The rest of the world understands the spiritual realm but in the west we either try to fantasize or ignore it. Either way, last night you could feel the tension of stuff going with some serious intensity followed by a soothing peace and a release of joy. It was another level that we had reached together…yet it was not enough.
In order to really engage in worship you have to leave your heart vulnerable. The problem with that is that if you disengage from worship, your heart is still left vulnerable and wide open to any kind of attack (being doubts, frustrations, fears, insecurities, pride, comparisons…etc) Well, all last night and through the day I have felt a battle going on in my heart. I’ve wanted to both draw near to the people here on my team and yet and find a place of solitude. My heart is more sensitive than normal which makes me feel like I’m going on a bit of a roller coaster and leads me to want to shut my mouth more until I find “my stability” again.
We finished our time of worship last night and no more than 3 minutes later we had company. Our company was a man named Edgar…or at least that’s the name he gave us first. This guy looked rougher than us which says something considering our last 11 months. He was obviously on some pretty hard drugs and the mental state of this guy was definitely in question. He stuck to us a bit like glue and ironically actually spoke English which meant we could “communicate.”
Edgar tried to touch our guitars, wanted to hold them and enjoyed trying to get our attention. He followed us onto the subway…and then the bus and finally got off at the same stop as us. Meanwhile the three of us guys tried to engage him a bit and stayed near him. None of us felt as though he was truly a threat but it’s funny how things become second nature after awhile. All year we have been magnets for these types of situations and we know that our position is between him and our girls…
but the question still remained…What to do about this guy?
We were now about a block away from the house and we didn’t have the authority to let him in a house that was not ours…nor did we think that was the wisest decision at the time. Likewise, we knew that we didn’t really want him to even know exactly where we were staying. It was easy to play the cards of protection, not our authority, pray for him and send him on his way…but did we just not want to jump into a messy situation? Was he there to distract and take a bit of our joy? Was he there because he recognized something in us that may help him? Did he truly just think we were headed to London and wanted company?
The three of us guys escorted him to the train and helped him get on to head back into the city of Berlin. As we walked away I started to chuckle at the situation we just found ourselves in and then immediately was struck with the notion that I need to apologize to God…Edgar was created in the same image of God and who am I to make light of a situation with a guy so desperate for something real?
My self-righteousness again exposed I shut my mouth.
Here’s the thing. Many of us hold to our doctrines, bible studies, morals, achievements, positions, denominations, churches, missions experiences, our “sacrifices,” and anything else that may make us feel as though we are achieving some sort of righteousness that is acceptable to Him. Those who are “more righteous” may spend more time developing disciplines within their life involving a series of fights, victories and then falling on their face followed by stronger fighting…What I am trying to say is that we fall into cycles of trying to achieve righteousness. Often times we may think we know all the right things to say and may even feel as though we are walking in it.
All of the discipline, surrender and involvement CAN be a good thing but ONLY on the premise that we realize that we are nothing without Him…and I mean nothing. We have to come to the end of ourselves and lose all hope that there is something of worth that we can give Him on our own without Him reaching down and touching us to begin with. I don’t know how many times I have thought about situations with the mindset of what I personally could do to help the situation or people involved…
The answer of course is that I have nothing to give except my filthy rags and broken heart…which brings me back to Edgar. Somehow there is a realization inside of me that is starting to come to fruition that he and I truly aren’t all that much different. In the end we are just two guys needing a Savior…There is no more righteousness in me than in Edgar naturally. The only thing that separates us really is that the LORD is my righteousness.
The fact of the matter is that we worshiped God last night because He was worthy of it. It wasn’t as polished as the angels in heaven but it was raw and real. However, He’s calling me to take it past that. This kind of worship has to grip my life and not just the words He’s forming in my heart. This type of worship is a lifestyle…a lifestyle it seems as though many aren’t willing to fully embrace. The Lord is my everything and has everything and will have everything in me…yet there is my flesh trying to wage war in me to make me desire the praise, fear and company of others…but, thank God that above that is a yearning for a whisper of one who I know satisfies me while nothing else in this world hasl. He is my righteousness and He is my deliverer. He is the lover I am trying to work up the courage to be consumed by.
Do you have the guts to face your God completely as you are? How far are you willing to go? How much depth do you desire? These are questions I ask myself and throw out there for anyone who actually made it this far 🙂 Enjoy Him today and rest in Him today. Tomorrow has enough worries for itself. If you are basing your life on you, then I urge you to stop. The best thing you can do with your life is learn who to give it away to and then do it.
