I was just talking with a good friend of mine from High School who I haven’t talked to and in response to something she said, this is what poured out and I thought I would share it with you…why? Well, because I know some of you want to know what this year is/was about and why I would choose to do something like this. Others over-spiritualize it and give me props I don’t deserve. Regardless…if you want to know where I am at right now, how I am doing a little about this year, then keep going I guess. (just a note…part two of the past blog is still coming soon.)
I would suggest listening to the song “Relent” by Misty Edwards a few times in a row and let it penetrate you…
This year He has slowly taken away all of my plans…the last one being about a month ago…and has been replacing them with trust that He will provide when I need so I trust that He will reveal more of that when it’s time to know.
At the start of last month He hit me with malaria and slowed me down and I was aware that He wanted to get my attention. There were some pretty long nights and crazy chills as my body was fighting against it without medication until the very end. My heart was at peace and my mind still while my body raged against itself through the night. I had never had a fever bad enough to make me convulse with shivers hard enough to make my teeth chatter…yet His peace made it all feel not quite so bad. My temp lowered and I was able to sit and have a normal conversation with a clear mind finally after one of the longest nights of my life and yet my temp was still almost 104 degrees.
I felt as though His whisper was all but tangible as He was putting some pretty significant changes in my heart. He was once again slowing me for multiple reasons which I won’t get fully into here. One of the reasons why I think He used something as drastic as malaria is because sometimes i like to do things on my own strength and I like to be a “worker.” He wanted to again shift my heart because lovers will always outwork workers and He is looking for harvestors who are lovers and not merely workers… He tends to capture our hearts in ways we aren’t looking for.
Anyway, you want to know how I am doing?
This year…in many ways I came in wanting to be let loose…become unleashed. I have been fairly tame and ridiculously protected all of my life. I have been protected mostly by His faithfulness and I am not upset about that at all…however, there is a man of God raging somewhere inside of me that is trying to claw it’s way to the surface.
I feel kind of like a snake trying to molt the old self. I feel as though I have the slightest glimpse of what He is making me to be and yet I feel in a way suffocated by the old me that binds me and keeps me from being released and free. This deadness surrounds me and sticks so close that I can feel it. Yet, somewhere inside I can taste a freedom so sweet that makes my eyes yearn to be lit with fire. I feel Him stirring in the depths of me and all I can do is sit here waiting for Him to do His work…
what does he look like?
There is a man who walks by faith in a quiet confidence with eyes soft but holding an authority not my own inside of me…He is fiercely passionate and yet calm and in control…He lives with a reckless abandonment that is in no way reckless. He has discipline to love ravenously and the purity to walk upright. He is awakening and is trying to transform the passive, nice shell of a man that I have used as a “shelter” over the years into a raw warrior ready to be humbled by His truth…
This man stands for truth, walks with justice and binds wisdom around his neck. Understanding is his friend and insight is held tightly. He speaks with grace and has the strength to remain gentle. He binds the broken and strengthens the weak. He stands firm in the face of the storm and sets his face like flint against the wiles of the enemy. He is a refuge for the weary and shelter for the downtrodden. His steps are firm and are established by the Lord. The words he speaks flow from the heart of the One True God.
Where he steps, he brings freedom because he has finally learned to follow the presence of the Lord instead of trying to convince the Lord to come into his presence…and where the spirit of the Lord is, there is freedom. He is sent to set the captives free. His heart is set in motion to weep for those within the nations. He has the wisdom of an old man and the faith and joy of a child. He is quick to listen and slow to speak. He isn’t angered easily but instead covers over offenses with love.
he’s not there yet.
This year I have often felt like a bridled horse chomping at the bit or a bird in a cage. However, I have felt as though much of that time has been spent waiting with random outbursts of wanting to break loose. He has been teaching me discipline so that when it is time to run, I will run the right direction. He has been keeping me in the cage so that I can grow long enough to be able to fly when I’m released. He’s teaching me to trust. He’s teaching me to love. He’s teaching me to be teachable.
What is this year about? What to expect of those of us returning? What to expect if you are to follow our footsteps?
Honestly, more often than not, we provide a convenient excuse for those called long term in areas around the world to get into hospitals, schools, churches and orphanages. We provide a way for them to pour into youth and children and translators and old people and disabled…we provide an answer to their hearts plea of reaching those they were sent to love. By God’s mercy and grace He also allows us to be an answer to others so that He can pursue both their hearts and ours simultaneously. Then in His genius He puts words in us to touch you back home so that you may be stirred to love your neighbor a bit more genuinely.
He breaks us down so that He can rebuild the foundation that was often built in haste by the wrong builders growing up. He takes the filthy clay we offer to Him and He throws us in the midst of a fire to soften our hearts to a place where we don’t care what He makes out of us as long as we can feel His presence molding us…all the while leaving His fingerprints all over the work He’s doing in us as His stamp of approval.
Some of you think that we have come into this year by jumping a step further than the “normal christian.” What you don’t realize is that much of this year is about taking a step back…not forward. He provides a way for us to step back and see the bigger picture a little better than we had. In the process, we lose sight of what was normally right in front of you. Do you think it is a coincidence that half-way through the race about 98% of world racers have absolutely no freakin’ idea about what is next in their lives…and are starting to be ok with that. He’s teaching to trust instead of just talking about it. Those of you back home working hard and trying to make ends meet are the ones who are in the daily grind that have to continually press in going forward. In my opinion you are the ones in the front lines and He’s just separated us out to show a bit of the direction we need to be going once He throws us back into the front lines.
The more I know Him the less I care about seeing His miracles and the more I care about seeing Him
The more I love Him the less I care about seeking His hand and the more I care about seeking His heart
The more I know Him the less I care about fearing men and the more I care about fearing Him
The more I love Him the less I care about pleasing men and the more I care about pleasing Him
The more I know Him the more I realize that He is a victorious warrior,
both lion and lamb
both son of God and son of Man
my creator
my redeemer
the one who is and was and always will be
that He really has planned all of my days
and that He made me ON PURPOSE for His and for Him
The truth of the matter is that in many ways those of us coming back to you will be very much the same and never again the same wrapped into one. We have had struggles before and they are foreign to neither you nor I. There will be times when we fear men because it takes less courage than coming to Him with vulnerability. There will be times when we lack confidence because we have once again tried it on our own though we know it won’t satisfy. We will be stuck in an awkward phase from time to time trying to balance the person we know to be with you and the person we are learning to be with Him. We will be affected by the stress and demands of our culture, family and friends. We will be thrown into trying to figure out how to love simply and love much in situations that are less than ideal. We will be asked to have answers that we won’t have and the ones we have won’t often be understood.
Yet, there is a raging love that is jealous for ours…and He won’t relent until He has all of us and we have all of Him. Jesus prayed that we would be one as He and the Father were one…and that prayer is going to be answered. We were never created to be merely “like” Him…we were called to be ONE with Him. This has always been His intention and before we sinned He had already worked out our salvation…In the garden He came and visited but it wasn’t His home…He knew sin was coming.
Adam did indeed eat of the tree of good and evil and you know what…satan didn’t completely lie. Adam and Eve only had known good until this point and they then were introduced to the knowledge of evil. God then kicked them out of the garden before they ate of the tree of life and were eternally stuck in that position…Don’t you realize that even then He had to kick them out so that He could redeem them eternally? Even then it was out of love.
We know of the Jesus who was fully man for a season but do we realize that He became fully man forever? We know of Him as a lamb led to the slaughter but do we realize that He IS the Lion of Judah and not an imitation trying to roar LIKE one? We know He is coming back again but do you actually realize that means He is coming HERE? His prayer was “may your kingdom come on Earth as it is in Heaven…” Do you realize that He is coming as a love-stricken groom to a pure and spotless bride? Do you realize that He is coming back when the spirit and bride want Him back? The Spirit wants Him back…that only leaves the bride!
Do you realize that He is coming to rule the nations as King of Kings and Lord of Lords? Do you know that He will turn the Jews as a nation back to Himself once the number of Gentiles is complete? Do you realize that when the nations rage against them, the least of them will be like David? Do you realize that He is coming clothed in white but His robe will be dipped in blood as He tramples the nations in the winepress of His fury? (which happens to form a river of blood about 6 feet high and 160 miles long) Do you realize that our names are written on His palm and He has a tattoo on His thigh?
Do you realize that the things in Revelation don’t happen TO us, they happen THROUGH us…when the bowls are filled with the prayers of the saints they will be tipped over on the nations bringing His judgments. You ever ask why something terribly unjust happens to those who are good and Godly? Well, He has been collecting their prayers and in His great patience and mercy He has relented from pouring out His wrath until all that would come to Him…do.
Do you realize that we win this thing…that He already has?
The end does not read as a story where Christians are taken away before it gets bad and we enter His gates limping…He doesn’t come to save a bride that is ravaged, beaten and dominated. He comes back to a pure and spotless bride who prevailed victoriously by the blood of the Lamb and the word of Their testimonies…in which case, the gates of hell could not prevail against them. As Mike Paschal would say “last time I checked, gates don’t move…” If they don’t move than that means that His victorious warriors are the ones storming the very gates of hell to reclaim that which was lost with the Lord of hosts as it’s leader.
So…what is this year about? The same as every other year. He is trying to awaken me. He is trying to awaken you. He is pursuing us hotly. He is trying to bless us richly and give us life abundant…and He is waiting for us to accept it instead of settling for less.
Blessed are the hungry for they shall be satisfied. If you fill yourself with junk you’ll never be hungry for something that will satisfy you…The more you hunger for Him the more it will take of Him to satisfy you…Are you bold enough to pray that He would give you a hunger that can only be filled by all of Him…and then have the audacity to trade all of you to get it when He gives you the opportunity to respond to your first prayer?
LORD, come be the fire inside of me, come be the flame upon my heart until you and I are one…My heart is yours…help me mean that with everything inside of me. Help me live that. Have your way.
