First of all I just wanted to say a few things…
1. This blog may make you uncomfortable because it brings an honesty and transparency you may not think is necessary
2. This is primarily for young guys who desire to be free and I have more to say if you want to contact me individually
3. I don’t expect that being this vulnerable to the world is necessary in everyone’s case, but strongly know that I’m supposed to now
4. I’ve never been to a doctor and it was my silence that enabled my fears to grow so strongly
5. What damage has been done in my body and mind, God has been actively healing…
SO, there were a lot of people that had differing reactions to my first blog, that primarily talked about some of my struggles and was highlighted by my struggle with pornography. You’ll find no apologies for what I have previously written other than I cheapened it for you…and that is what I intend to remedy. I have found freedom and you ought to know how I’ve got where I am.
In the bible, God spent a chapter on the creation of the universe and all of it’s intricacies. He then spent approximately 55 chapters on the life of David…Ironically, there are about 55 of us who are being prepared to embark on a new chapter in our lives…kinda sweesome eh? Anyway, my point was that God had a a particular fondness for David. This was a man who lived a uniquely broken, powerful and an extravagantly rugged life. He had some major victories and some major screw-ups. Regardless, when God looked at him, he saw a “man who is after my own heart.” Oh, to be deemed as a man after His heart by God Himself…Nevertheless, David danced naked in front of the assembly and his response to his wife who stood appalled by his actions was that “I’ll become even more undignified than this…”
Well, I don’t exactly intend to be dancing naked in front of you all physically, but I do come before you to show my nakedness of heart. I am part of a team called LUMINOUS and it is my full intention to bring the depths of me into the light because this life is not my own and this world is not my home…May He be exalted in my grace and disgrace.
For those of you who have worked on gardens, you’ll know something about weeds. Those of you who don’t, ought to still know something about weeds 🙂 Haha, well for those of you who don’t know what a weed is, here is a quick definition:
Weed: any undesirable or troublesome plant, esp. one that grows profusely where it is not wanted
***Random note: Even a flower in a vegetable garden can be a weed or a carrot in a flower garden…weeds sometimes look good, so weigh your heart carefully…
OK, now that we have that covered, let me continue. The temptation for anyone with a garden is to do a quick job of getting rid of any weeds that you see and thus neglecting the roots of them. By doing so, you clean up the outward appearance and gain some moral victories. Meanwhile, that root continues to grow in size and strength, and when it pops up through your surface it will come back nastier and in more places than originally. That is why it is of utmost importance that you don’t hesitate to start digging NOW to get to the root of it all. Pornography for me was just a weed that was an effect of a root much deeper. Let me give you a bit of background on my life from a different perspective…
I wasn’t your normal kid growing up in many ways, but I feel as though I have faced some common struggles among males. When I was in 4th grade, I decided I wanted to be a teacher of some sort because I loved being with people, I enjoyed learning and as ridiculous as this sounds, I knew I loved kids. I figured that I was suppose to have faith like a child, so it only made sense that I ought to always be around them so that I could follow their example. It was at this age that I started to face a struggle that became a battleground in my life. I knew God had given me a heart for kids and particularly those who aren’t loved. However, as crazy as this sounds, I felt very strongly that God was setting me up to not have my own. To give me a love for children and not have my own became the battle in my heart and head between God and I for many years that followed. It is the number one thing I have fought Him with in my life…and opened the door for my passive aggressive rebellion to come.
This of course started before I entered puberty which often confounds me. However, during this stage of my life, it developed much deeper. Somewhere during this time, my balls became underdeveloped primarily due to sports, and this particular physical fear provided enough shame and inadequacy to flourish a number of weeds. This stunted growth complimented the fear of not being able to have my own children some day. It also provided a slight bitterness that was later used to not fight to my fullest for a purity of heart and mind. This is also the time where pornography entered my life and while it wasn’t particularly in depth or depraved as it later became, it provided the seeds for the weed to grow.
One of the things that has remained as a constant in my life has been the desire to follow the Lord my God with all my heart, soul, strength and mind. That fact may have not always been evident, but it is true. This desire was also warped at times through a number of things including the examples in my life. As a young youth, I looked at all the people in the church who were actually on fire for God and the thing that seemed to link them together was that God saved them from terrible sin. On the flip side, the people who seemed to be most luke-warm were those who grew up in obedience and slowly lost their flame. This warped my thinking and allowed me to desire to get into some sin so that I could get out of it…In the end, I was determined to be on fire for God…If this sounds like you and you are facing some of these thoughts, PLEASE contact me because I have a lot to say to you…The fact of the matter is that it isn’t a prerequisite and there are examples of people who have remained faithful throughout their lives…
SO…quick recap for you to make sure you are on the same page. I now had the roots of inadequacy and shame hidden in my heart and the perversion of mind that thought that I needed to get worse to get better. I also had the availability to slip into it and soon frustration and discouragement became the vehicle that would drive me to it.
For the sake of others, I will shorten this next section…but know that this development took much of my life and you can’t discount the weight I carried due to it….I have been blessed with the most extraordinary of women in my life and have fallen head over heals (shouldn’t that be heals over head???) for two in particular. One of these I ended up liking for about 11 years off and on (mostly on) and I did all that I could to handle it appropriately. In the end, after doing all that I thought I could, it wasn’t meant to be and it became a wound that cut to my core and one that I didn’t fully understand until just recently. The other was also an amazing woman and due to the state of my heart, it seemed as though all I got good at was bleeding. For their sakes, I’m not really going to get much more into that. However, what I am about to say is vastly important: THE TRUTH OF THE MATTER IS THAT I DIDN’T UNDERSTAND THAT MY GREATEST WOUND WAS TIED TO MY DESIRE TO BE AFFIRMED THAT I WAS ADEQUATE AS A MAN. I needed to hear that from God, not from a girl. I played the role of the victim with both of these girls and in all actuality there was absolutely no way they could have ever lived up to my desired expectation of them. All I would have done was wreck their hearts more. They deserve my apology for that expectation and will get it. Regardless, I have added this because these were crushing blows to my confidence as a male and only confirmed the dreaded fear of my heart that I was inadequate. This was the root that really led to the depravity of my heart.
Now it is not enough to just unearth my heart for you…you need to know why. If you confess your sins, He is faithful and just to forgive you of your sins and purify you from all unrighteousness…In order to confess your sins, you need first to admit they are there with brutal honesty. It is at this moment that He wants you to be real and then drop them at His feet…His burden is easy and His yoke is light…His freedom is humbling and even devastating…but also exhilarating!!! The sooner you expose yourself fully and deal with the roots, the quicker you will be set free…Those of you who aren’t willing to do so will remain captive to your deepest fears and wounds…Is that captivity really worth it???
