First Tangent: So I was going to name this “brutal truth” and then started wondering if the truth is really brutal? I looked up the word brutal and some of the words used in it’s definition were: savage, cruel, inhumane, crude, coarse, harsh, irrational, unreasoning, taxing, demanding, exhausting and pertaining to lower animals. On the other hand, the antonyms were simply kind and human. Seems to me that it is the lack of truth that leads to being brutal, but I guess that may just be my opinion…ok, now to my real post 🙂
SO, here’s a little more depth for you guys…
A majority of you who actually know me and probably a number you who don’t even know me all that well have heard me talk about some of my struggles…this won’t be new to you, but I figured that I’d be honest once again with those who may not know. Why would I share some of these things with you…and people who I may never meet that happen to read this blog? Well, because in the depth of my heart I desire to yearn for a heart after Gods. Throughout my life, there have been a couple struggles that have held me back in the past and I have no intention of moving forward with the weight of them on my shoulders. I’m casting my burdens on Him because He cares for me. I’m becoming vulnerable not that I am proud of what I have done in the past, but because I have a faithful God who loves me dearly regardless of the sin of my youth. The truth of the matter is that it seems like there are far too few Godly men in the world and I’m learning to become one.
A little background for you…
I grew up as a pretty obedient child…I wasn’t perfect, but I wasn’t exactly a rotten kid to parent either. When I was a child of age 9-ish I remember looking at the Christian examples I saw in the church. Two things above most stood out to me. The people who were on fire most for God seemed to be the ones that had been in the most sin and God had drastically changed their lives by His grace. Also, the people who had been faithful in attending church all of their youth and staying “out of big sin” were the ones that seemed to be falling away or becoming luke warm….Now, in a sick way, there was a thought that got into my head that if I truly wanted to end up on fire for God, I needed to first get into more sin…Crazy how I actually rationalized that one out as a kid…
OK, now those of you who know me would probably also know that the thing I have fought God the most on in my life is whether or not I will have my own children some day. In fact, I started to think that when I was in like 4th grade. Where or how I started thinking that way is beyond me. Regardless, it has been there and I have had to go through a number of steps to face this with Him. Unfortunately, this issue in my heart wasn’t light and led to the most “rebellion” I’ve had towards God in my life…
First and foremost, I mine as well just talk about pornography to begin with. Due to the two issues above and because I am a male who is physically wired like a male, I found myself starting to struggle with porn in high school. It wasn’t something that consumed me at the time but it opened the door and somehow without even knowing it, I acquired a taste for it. Entering college, I gained a freedom that I had never had and happened to go to Northern Michigan University which was known as the “laptop university” for awhile. This was because all students had a laptop distributed to them (even though they pay extra for it) and there was wireless accessibility everywhere on campus. Needless to say, having unlimited access to something like that while going through more frustrations and discouragements in my life led to a habit of perusing things I should never have looked at. Also, needless to say, there will be a time in my life where I will have to deal with ramifications of this with my future wife…It makes me sick that I wasn’t faithful in this area 🙁
My heart was torn as I SOOOOO badly wanted to never again struggle with this issue while trying to be a leader and encouragement to others, get decent grades, work, spend time with extended family, be a part of IV and everything else that I seemed to get involved with. I started to realize how depraved and shameful porn was and while I wanted nothing to do with it, I did the things I didn’t want to do, and didn’t do the things I did want to do…My college years were full of some major defeats and even bigger victories. It seemed as though every time I was doing well with this issue, I would gain a little pride and tell myself I was doing such a good job with it. Then BAM, before I could finish my sentence it seemed like I fell again hard…
I’ve tried working on it by myself, telling friends, telling family, telling people from church, getting an accountability partner, working on it with other guys who were struggling with it, telling female friends, being honest in small and large group settings…pretty much anything. You might say that not all of that was needed…you may also say that making this public isn’t needed…I’m ok with you saying that actually. The point that I want to make is that sin, whether it’s struggling with lust or anything else, needs to be taken care of and if it takes drastic measures to get rid of it, be willing to humble yourself in order to do so.
In the end, this is what I have learned: We can try any kind of method to stop sinning, but the only way we will truly have success is if we want something more than merely struggling with it. Sin and finding a way to overcome it is something I think we focus a lot of our attention on as Christians. However, we’re missing a crucial point!!! We aren’t made of flesh, but we’re renting this fleshy body with it’s cravings until we die and are fortunately freed from it. Learning to control our flesh and take captive each thought to make it obedient to Christ is key. However, the best way to do that is to desire God and focus on loving Him more instead of focusing on the depravity of sin and how we can do it less…The more we love Him, the less desire I believe we will have to sin against Him…
Quick Tangent: In the song “How deep the Father’s love for us,” there is a line that says “it was my sin that held him there.” At church the other day, this part bothered me a little bit for the first time…and don’t get me wrong because I’m not trying to hate on the song. In fact I absolutely love it!!! Anyway, when I go to the grocery store, I go because I want some chocolate milk. Now, I don’t go because I want to pay something and happen to get chocolate milk so that I can do that. How absurd is that? However, isn’t that the way we so often understand Jesus on the cross??? Just being honest, but it’s hard for me to comprehend that He considered it pure joy to endure the cross for me…I used to always think it was my sin that held Him there, but I’m starting to believe that it was HIS LOVE that held Him there…He could have got off if He wanted, but He loved us so much that He chose not to…There was a price to pay for us and it is true that we were bought with a price…That price was most definitely sin, and more accurately God the Father’s wrath upon Jesus as He paid an incredible price for our sin. But did He die on the cross for our sin or because of our sin? Or, did He die on the cross for us and God’s wrath for our sin happened to be the cost for it? (which somehow, He loved us so much that He found it pure joy to pay that price…)
In a way I don’t think He counted the cost, because our value was worth it…This upcoming year I believe I will learn not to count the cost of having a heart after His because His value is worth it…
The other reason why I mentioned this struggle is that I have come to know myself and these next few months have the potential for me to start struggling with it again. I have done pretty well actually the past couple years in staying faithful and keeping my eyes, thoughts and actions pure…however, this is the first time in a long time where my schedule is pretty flexible and if I am not disciplined, I could slip back into some of it. I would appreciate your prayers and encouragement in this because when it comes down to it, I want nothing hindering or holding me back…period. Not now, not when I leave for the World Race, not when I return…If it takes me humbling myself, so that it may somehow give Him glory, I’m all for it!
Another reason why I brought up the first topic is because I grew up in a family that has a substantial amount of pride whether they’ll admit it or not. I didn’t realize how much pride I had myself until I had gone off to college and came back home for vacation and saw it first in my family. God has graciously given me a number of humbling circumstances these past years to show His faithfulness to me. I sincerely prayed that He would break me and give me a true humility instead of something that just resembled it. I feel like the more honest and transparent I am, the more it naturally humbles me. Likewise, I look forward to this year because I can’t see how I can come out of it without being humbled and taught how truly to serve and love others.
Regardless, this is me when I am real, and I hope this gives you a better idea of how you can be praying for me, encouraging me and just so that you may understand a little more of where I have come from…
Now, it’s time for me to move on 🙂
