So it is 12:40 am…errr 11:40 am??? Time changes are strange if you really think about it…either way, the time is now! I feel like that’s important, so I’m going to mention it once again…The time is NOW…That’s it…IT’S TIME!!!!
Time for what you ask? Well, I guess it could be time for a lot of things, but ultimately when it comes down to it, NOW is the only time you can do something about it…So go and do it!!
OK, hold up a second before you take off before finishing this little rant. First of all I want you to know that it’s quite possible that the best thing you can DO right now is BE. When was the last time you rested purposefully? I mean we are called human beings not human doings, but don’t we primarily focus on associating ourselves with what we do rather than who we are?
Anyway, I sat down to write about a turning point for myself at training camp, so I should probably do that even though I feel pretty scattered right now.
We were escorted to a field by van a few miles from our campsite and were told to take some time alone. In that silence, we were to ask God what He was asking of us to give up. We each had something that was hindering our complete freedom and obedience and it was time to take care of it. Well, all I could think of over and over again was “my strength.” I thought back throughout my life and found that I had a pretty large tendency to rely on my own strength, giftings and personality to get me through harder, stressful or more complicated situations. I realized that God had given me a lot of strength and even though I often tried using it for good, I had started to develop a habit of relying on it. Knowing that it was one of my biggest weaknesses, I opted to find as big of a log as I could to represent it. My intention was that I would have to dig deep and use everything I had to get this log where it needed to go…to the foot of the cross. I figured that if it was heavy enough and hard enough, I’d be spent enough to finally let it go because I’d forever have the physical reminder that it’s not worth it to rely on my own strength…
The leaders took their time talking and praying with each of us one on one…meanwhile I sat on this log that was about 18in in diameter and about 6ft long…I set my face as flint and prepared myself mentally to fight with this log and my heart all the way…As I sat there I remember God telling me that “my grace is sufficient, your strength is not…I am made perfect in your weakness…” I sat and pondered about how I was more than willing to lay all of my strength down for my new family and wanted them to see how devoted I could be so that they could know how much they could depend on me when the going got rough…Then with inner turmoil, I knew that something was wrong because I’ve pleased people much of my life and unfortunately that has been my focus too often…how was seeing that going to help?? I envisioned everyone already done and eating dinner when I finally rolled through with my tree…Knowing the group, I know that they would probably cheer me on and encourage me to finish strongly and yet I felt so dissatisfied with that result. Is that really what I want?? A part of my humaness screamed yes but was quickly silenced by the truth that I’d feel a disgust if I was doing it just for them…”GOD, I WANT TO LIVE FOR AN AUDIENCE OF ONE!!!” was all my heart could muster as it bellowed from the depths of my soul…and yet, how do I keep my mouth shut, not look for their approval and still give up this strength thing???
It was about this time when one of the leaders named Chris came up to me and helped me sort through some of my thoughts. He was intrigued with what I had to say and even thanked me for my willingness to go after the biggest log. Then he offered a challenge to humble myself and take a twig…
a twig…hmmmm….I’m thankful that I am open, trusting and my heart is malleable in the potter’s hands because that wasn’t a very tough challenge for me and yet it unlocked truths I wasn’t expecting. After a short waiting stint I was off on my “journey” with nothing but my thoughts and a twig…God had decided that I’ve tried the whole carrying as much weight as possible deal plenty of times before, so it was time for a new strategy- Freedom…So, in no apparent order, here are a few things I learned on that walk and with what’s to come.
1. God wants us to be free and He wants to carry our weight…He tells us that His yoke is easy and His burden is light…Do you feel a pretty heavy yoke or burden? Well, He wants to carry it for you! Not only that, but He wants you to live life and He wants you to live it in abundance!
2. He is the God of the living, not the dead…Yeah, I know you’ve probably heard that one but stay with me a minute on this one. If we are to lay our burdens at His feet how far do you have to go? If He actually is alive and is trustworthy, than He’s with you…so you can drop it now! I think so many people feel obligated to carry it first…In our foolishness, we weigh how bad our sin, doubt or fear is and then set an appropriate time we have to deal with it before we are worthy enough to drop it. Why do we walk around so long burdened with it until we can’t anymore? He’s by your side so just drop it…He won’t force you to let Him carry it, but He wants to much more than I ever do…and I like to carry them!!
3. Well, I just said it- I like to carry burdens…Stupid, eh? Do you know why? Well, first of all it seems as though everyone else is doing it. Haha, how is that for peer pressure? Seriously though, we all have different burdens but there have been times where I’ve almost looked for the biggest burden to carry because I know that I can. In my futile thinking I figure that if I can carry a bigger burden next to you, you might be more inspired to keep going so that you’ll eventually get through it. Dumb? yup…true? unfortunately more than I’d like it to be…OK, so what happens when I don’t have much to carry? Well, I usually look for those who have a lot to carry and I try to help them with it. Don’t get me wrong here because my heart is definitely in the right place with this one, but what am I truly doing? In the end aren’t I only giving you a little respite from your burden so you can catch your breath and try to carry it again when I’m not around? Does that really help you much long term? It may be what you need in the instant, but it may end up hindering you for longer.
4.There’s a difference between burdens and burdens…The bible says to “carry each other’s burdens” and yet God wants to carry ours and help us become free of anything that entangles…Well, to the best of my (and Dave’s) thinking, there must be a difference between the burdens. I think there are things in life where something tragic happens and there is an immediate hurt and burden associated with it. Whatever this may be, it is not your fault and it isn’t easy to go through. This type of burden would definitely fall under the category of us coming alongside each other and helping each other through the rough time. However, we also have burdens that have become strongholds in our lives and because we fear facing them, we hold onto them in the depths of our heart and mind. These things weigh us down from the inside out and can create the impression that we’re drowning amidst a people to blind to even see us crying out for help. These are the burdens in which we sometimes run from which leads us into sin, struggles and addictions…These need to be dropped and there is no distance equivalent to the depravity of it all…just get rid of the junk!!!
5. There is a weight to freedom that is devastating…Now, I could have ran the whole path if I wanted because all i was carrying was a twig. Seriously, it just would have been a good jog. I was as light as a feather without having to carry anything significant, and yet there was a weight on me that I will try to describe. Walking past people who struggled to make it past obstacles and up hills like there wasn’t a care in the world was humbling. Everything inside of me felt it was unfair that I could carry a lot of weight and didn’t have to carry anything really. Even more so, I felt as though many of the people I passed had the same thought flowing through their minds…”How come Benny isn’t carrying anything?” was the question that resounded in my head as I lowered my head and tried to walk past people with as much dignity as I could muster. It was ridiculously humbling to be the only one without any weight to carry and it was then that I realized that people in this world don’t know what it’s like to be free, and when they come in contact with people who are they may almost despise them for it. Now to set it straight, I don’t feel as though anyone despised me that day, but there was a devastating humility that accompanied my walk…
6. The purpose is to set the captives free, not just give them company… About half-way through our “journey” we encountered a pretty steep hill and a few of my team-mates were clawing their way up. My first thought was “OH…ding ding, this is why I am not carrying anything!!! I am now able to carry their weight, and help them up this hill…” So, I resolved to help one at a time up this steep terrain and was doing a decent job of it. Again, there was a peace, a weight and even a satisfaction in being able to do everything I could to help get my new family up this hill. In the long run, God had his purposes for both the ones I was able to help and the ones I wasn’t (but that’s a different story.) Either way, Jimmy asked me to keep going on and that he’d rather me not help them up. I wasn’t quite sure why and needed some clarification as to what exactly he wanted me to do. He reaffirmed that he’d prefer that I not help them up and that I not wait alongside them and give them encouragement. Instead, he wanted me to complete my journey. So, I turned and took off up the hill with a number of thoughts. I trusted him fully but didn’t understand what God was teaching me through it. So I asked. Much of what He said was already discussed in 3 and 4. However, the additional thing was that our purpose isn’t to merely give company to those struggling with things they can get rid of and encouraging them to keep going with it….our purpose is to walk in freedom and inspire them to get rid of what is holding them captive…
7. God is bringing me into a season where I’ll be humbled and yet freed more than I can understand (of both) – This was the day that He started to work things out for good so that I would enter this year with very little responsibilities other than serving and loving with all of my heart, soul, mind and weakness? I feel very strongly that He’s fashioning me to be a leader of some sort, but for now I have been given an amazing gift to learn how to live for an audience of one in the back of our squad. There’s a lot more I could say about that, but now isn’t the time for that…
Anyway, I anticipated a struggle with a lot of things because I’m used to fighting with all of my strength in things…and then God kept just taking things without a fight from my heart. Things I had fought God with or kept suppressed for much of my life were gone in an instant without the slightest sign of struggle…how terribly freeing to know that He has waited all these years for me to simply say “it’s Yours…”
