Sooo im home now. Ive been here for a month. A week into being home I seen some friends, had a party, then went to WV for a week had a good time, got home for a few days went to GA for Project Searchlight, had an AMAZING time. And then im back here again.
This whole time im thinking "oh its not as bad as I thought it'd be". Yea I had culture shock, and still am having it, but its not to bad. But now im home. I havent been quite as fast paced. Ive been noticing more, realizing more, about the idleness of people, the BROKENESSSS of people, the FEAR people are living in and are CONSUMED by. Its starting to take a real toll on me, annnnnd I really cant take it.
I drive around and see people watering their nice lawns, I saw kids playing in a playground today, with one chubby girl at the top of a slide just sitting there, and im thinking what her life is like. Shes watching all the other kids play and shes not goin to play with them. Why not? How do her parents treat her? Does she have parents? I watch people walk into stores and just in general, and they look absolutely miserable. Its like im watching everyone crumble. I went into Taco Bell the other day and the lady seemed STUNNED I called her my her name after looking at her damn NAME TAG!
I feel like im alone every day nothing to do, no one arond to really talk to or understand me. Its not fun. I feel like an abondoned kid or something, haha, idk. Never really felt like this before. I enjoy the quietness but it just makes me start missing walks with Jeremy, I remember our one on one time in Thailand going to a special needs cafe to get coffee then walkin around aimlessly, or our having to carry 20l jerry cans a mile for our water, or eating noodles with ryan at 2am in Veitnam at a booth at a short little table, talkin to this parking garage keeper kid who acted tough but deep down desired to be FILLLED with the spirit, and I just wanted to spen time with him for as long as I could. I want it all back. I miss team time. Youd rarely hear me say that on the race. But rite now alllll I want is my team here with me RITE NOW!
BUT that was that, and this is now. Im not lookin for pity, I just wanted to share my heart. Its not as easy as I thought it was going to be being home. I say amen to people not understanding me, not knowing what questions to ask. Its ok.
I look forward to going to school in Dec. at AIM. It to is a fear how the money will come, but I know it is, just like the Race. And not that im runnin away from things, but its my next step in life. I gotta do it. I wanto to see more people doing it.
Take the risk. Go get it. Find people who believe in you and support you. It wont be easy. But when it comes into fruition you'll see how worth it, it was. Shake the haters! (Jeremy…I think). Message me, talk to me! I want to encourage you.
