Well folks, I dont know what to say. Im feeling so discouraged rite now in so many ways. Why not let it out in a blog.
At the rate im going rite now it doesnt look like ill be able to go on this journey. Its kinda just sinking in now. Im sittin here at work just feeling so down and angry with myself. I struggle SO so bad with trusting Christ, and giving all my worries to him. The concept seems so easy rite? I dont know. I just cant seem to do it sometimes. Its a big prayer of mine that I can do just this. Im very stubborn. I like things done my way and how I want them done (im sure a lot of people can relate).
Im wrestling w/ myself if im doubting God or not. Of course I KNOW God can do what he wants with who he wants. I KNOW that if he wants me to go then…ill go. So if I KNOW these things then what is my flippin deal?! Uuuugh! then my mind goes nuts with why its my fault. Im not doubting God im doubting myself. What is it? Was I not obedient enough? Did I not put enough effort into this? Was this…actually Gods will for me to do this or was I jumping and reacting on my own emotions and excitement? And to everyone of these questions the only answer in my head to each one is NO. No no no. I dont feel ive been obedient to God. Ive been selfish and it kills me. I cant stand the repetitivness of my selfishness and sinful nature. I dont feel ive put enough effort into fundraising and preparing spiritually and mentally. Ive been putting in minimal effort with the thought "people wont help me out. Everyone is broke and busy".-And from the reactions Ive got from support letters and other efforts, that seems to be just the case. And by NO MEANS am I putting this on anyone or blaming anyone fyi. If someone tells me they cant help support financially I tell them thats totally ok! I really do understand. Just be there for me in prayer.
Soooo yeaaa….idk. Just kinda lost rite now. I wont give up until I have to though. I continue to pray for guidance and that I find a way to put full and absolute trust in God. Maybe im looking and going about things the wrong way.
Another thing that really begins to set in is PRIIIDE. How am I going to look in front of everyone who has helped me out and supported me? The people who have put in time, effort and prayer. All the people who have asked me about it and who ive told about it and how excited they were for me. Ill look like such a fool. A failure. Once again not being able to acomplish something in life. How…aggrivating, how…worthless. And the ones who said it wasnt possible and it woudnt happen…how bad I wanted to prove them wrong and show them the power of Christ….but they were rite. I didnt do what I had to, to make this happen. What am I supposed to tell everyone? Hm.
I do however want to SINCERRRRELY thank everyone who has helped me. Its seriously means so much! It makes me wanna do soemthing special for EVERY ONE of you. To thank you and re-pay you somehow. And for all my family and friends that have been praying for me. It really puts the biggest smile on my face and appretiation in my heart when someone comes up to me and simply says "Ben ive been praying for you". That really means a lot to me. Someone is taking time out of their day to think and pray about me, So thank you everyyyone!
And If I dont go then thats fine. Theres more races. I just need to tighten it up and continue seeking Christ. Hes going to me in whatever I do. Even if im not realizing it at the time. But hes there. Hes Holy. Hes consistent. Hes all powerful. And boooyyy lemme tell you, I cant wait until the day comes and I am reigning with the Lord in his Kingdom. What a thought :). This is one thought Id like to help people see and strive for. Knowing God, praising God (even in bad times), living for God and knowing one day you will reign with him.
And I didnt mean to rant so long! I feel like I can go on and on lol. And I also dont mean for this to be a "pity party"! I just felt like I needed to get it out somehow, and I only have 1 blog so I thought Id give it a shot. Thank you for taking the time to read!
Thank you, and I appreciate you!
