Training camp was more than I could fit into one blog post. I keep processing a little bit more every day so bear with me as I try to transfer my thoughts to this site.
The sessions we had at camp were incredible. The worship was amazing and the teachings were spot on. One of our sessions was about grieving the seasons.
“We must grieve the painful losses of the past seasons of our life before we can effectively embrace the present and the future.” – Ron Walborn
Rewind to December 2013. I had just failed my nursing finals. All 3 of them. I was shocked, hurt and a little confused. This was my dream, staring me in the face, telling me 3 times that I wasn’t good enough and didn’t have what it takes. I was shocked because I thought that I had learned and knew enough comprehensive knowledge to pass all three finals. So to come short by a few “passing” points on each, was unreal.
It took me a few months to process what had happened. It hurt a lot when people would ask me how school was going and my answer was that I was taking a break. I was too embarrassed to tell them the truth…I had failed. My confidence was reduced to nothing during that semester and for a while after. I had no desire to go back or even think about nursing school. The other students were doing it and they have families, jobs and outside activities too. So why was it different for me? What was my problem? I should have re-evaluated why I was pursuing this and why I was holding onto it so tightly. My identity had slowly turned into becoming a nurse and that’s all I thought people would identify me with. It was embarrassing to fail. There were so many lies swirling around my head about not being good enough, smart enough, etc.
A few months had past and I told God that I couldn’t do this anymore. I was sick and tired of this failure looming over my head. I was tired of not knowing what the next step was. I prayed and asked God to take away the pain of my failure. To help me view myself the way that He sees me. To help me to dream again. And that’s when the tears came and I bawled like a baby. These weren’t pretty tears, these were deep, painful tears of grief that I had never allowed myself to have.
God was speaking life into me. He told me that my failures didn’t define me. My past will not define me. I am enough. I am capable and able to do the things He has called me to do. He’s got me in the palm of his hand. He told me His dream for my life and reminded me of this verse.
“As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts higher than your thoughts.” Isaiah 55:9
I cried and listened as the Holy Spirit spoke so softly and tenderly to my soul. I left my room knowing that I serve a God who is loving and will speak if we are willing to listen.
This was my present and future and until I had grieved my past failure, I had no idea this journey, on the race, was waiting for me on the other side.
You may be wondering if I will give nursing another try. We will see. Whatever God has planned for me after this 11 months. It may be nursing and maybe not. And I’m completely okay with that. I find that trusting God with my dreams is always 100% better than trying to do it on my own.
What is it that you need to grieve?
Be well. Live well. Love well.
-Benita
