Depression is different for everyone. For some people it could mean a deep sadness, or a funk that you just can’t get out of. Depression for me is a little different, it saps away any motivation to do anything. Depression for me meant going to sleep and not really caring if I woke up. You always hear people that have depression talk about not being able to get out of bed in the morning. For me it wasn’t that I couldn’t get out of bed, its that I didn’t want to. Depression was the physical representation of my battle with the satan, a battle that I was losing. I stopped caring about my appearance and my health, I stopped interacting with my friends, I would isolate myself for weeks at a time, only leaving my room for meals and class, and sometimes I would skip those too. I started to deteriorate as a person, slowly becoming more and more depressed and just sinking into myself.
Then when I could not return to college, my depression got worse. I felt like a failure, like I had failed my parents as a son, like I had failed my siblings as someone they could look up too, and like I failed myself as a person. Suddenly my life wasn’t so certain, I was in flux. I numbed myself with video games and tv, just trying to forget my life even just for a little bit. I hated myself for failing, and my depression made it so I wouldn’t do anything about it, and it cycled downward until May, when I applied for the world race. Suddenly my life had a purpose, I was going to go into the world and help people. And this helped for a while but the initial hype behind it died, and I fell back into a depression. Until July 10th, the day I landed in Atlanta for training camp and I met my team. I have never met people who exemplify the love of Jesus more than the men and women of my team. I saw this joy they had and I thought, “wow, I want that, but how do I get there?” And thats when Jesus really hit me, I heard His voice and felt Him move through those around me, I connected with God for the first time. Suddenly my depression was much smaller and if God loves a piece of garbage like me so much, maybe I should start loving myself like He does. This trip has already changed my life and I haven’t even stepped foot out of the country yet. God is so so good, He saved me from myself and I am so greatful.
