“It’s extravagant, it doesn’t make sense
We’ll never comprehend, the way You love us
It’s unthinkable, only heaven knows
Just how far You’d go, to say You love us”
Extravagant by Bethel Music, Stephanie Gretzinger & Amanda Cook
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=B6BRS2WlhoY
November 23rd-Dec 17th 2019
I want everyone to stop and re-read those lyrics. Now go and listen to this song and listen to the lyrics. If you’re crying like I am, you understand. You understand the extravagance in those words. This song has been my anthem over the last three weeks. I’m not going to lie, it has been three really hard weeks. Coming home was not what I thought it would be. I didn’t realize I would miss the ‘gals’ as much as I do! I wasn’t prepared for some of my dearest friends to be hurting and confused. I wasn’t prepared for how each time I do dishes to be in awe of the hot water hitting my hands. These last few weeks, I’ve cried more than I believed I would. I’ve cried for various reasons, one of the biggest being confusion. One thing I learned on the race is too admit when you’re not okay. Over these past few weeks, I’ve tried my best to refrain from using the word good, because, I have not been good.
I’ve been struggling with brining both my head and heart back. My physical body may be here, sitting in a Dunkin’. However, my heart longs to wake up back at Fabi’s or the YWAM base. My head still thinks in Spanish, all the time. An example of this was when I accidentally ordered coffee in Spanish, literally minutes ago. My heart is longing for the chance to go back at the drop of a hat. Longing for the chance to go and stay for as long as God wants me too. I say this because on the race God spoke very clearly to me and told me I am not destined to live in the United States. I am destined to see the world and not be confined to normalcy. This is something I am excited about, yet confused about all in the same sentence. Once again, my need to be in control comes into play. I know I need to surrender the future to him and ’Be Here Now’…a familiar motto lived out by my squad. I have been learning in this season of transition to not wish for the souls I may meet in the future. But instead, to both see and seek people to minister here. Seek out Godly men who are as like-minded as me. As well as seek out anew community here in Charlotte. All of that being said, the good days have outweighed the bad ones. However, the bad ones lead to me spiraling into thoughts about the past as well as thoughts about the future. Another difficult thing has been a missing desire to process emotions and feelings. Living with the gals I was forced to talk about them and it lead to a lot of emotional growth. Coming home to a culture where men aren’t allowed to talk about emotions and bottle them in, has been difficult. As I seek out a Christian community, I ask for prayer in finding people I can begin to trust. Another thing that has hit me hard has been the questions I keep asking myself. The biggest question I’ve been asking myself is, In what ways did I make a true kingdom impact on those around me? And was I intentional enough with those around me?
Recently, I had coffee with two friends and they both brought up this idea of short-term mission trips. They brought up how unfair it is for us to go on these trips and then vanish after. How unfair is it of me to spend three weeks at Camp Hope and then vanish? How unfair of me to spend three weeks creating relationships that are built upon trust and then vanish? Those of you who know me, you know how huge my heart is for those with special needs. The kids and the staff members at Camp Hope wrecked me. Some of the kids were just beginning to trust my teammates and me, as we left. An example of this, one of the boys in Joy. His name was Alex and I remember the first time I tried to feed him. He was not having it and wanted nothing to do with me. I stood and watched one of the nurses, Andrés feed him. He ate like a champ for Andrés. I instantly tried every day to get him to trust me. I remember the final day at Camp Hope. I feed him and he ate. He ate every single piece of food on his plate. He began to trust me and I could see it. Another boy, Kevin also began to trust me as well. I can’t say much about him, but I can say he had muscle spasms. I remember the final day picking him up and he stopped moving. He was still and a calm fell over his body. The nurse in the room looked at me and said (in Spanish of course):
“He loves you and I believe the reason he is still right now is that he doesn’t get the male touch he needs. He doesn’t have a father to love and nurture him.”
This happened on our last day, putting little Kevin down was the hardest thing. As I put him down, a tear rolled off my cheek and hit his leg. The exact moment the tear hit his leg, he began shaking and making a humming noise. Walking away from him, was horrific. Looking back, I understand why he chooses to put them in my life. He put them in my life to allow me to fell the fullness of God. He put them in my life and allowed me to show both Alex and Kevin love. He put them in my life to allow me to grow and mold me. It had nothing to with them and everything to do with me. It took me some time, however, me having the ability to wake up and serve them was unfair in itself. Jesus didn’t have to die for my dirty rotten self, yet he did. It is fair for me to live out the great commission and be okay with the pain that comes with it.
The pain I felt the day I had to put Kevin down was not pain of grief or anguish. It was God igniting a fire in me, it was his way of showing me that so many can be touched by me. So many are broken, hurting, and in pain and need to be shown the same amount of love and intentionality I showed to each soul at Camp Hope. So, my answer to those questions follows many times we go on short term mission trips, with the mindset that we are going to impact the thousands. We have the desire to heal the sick, radically bring people to the feet of Jesus, and watch miracles happen before our own eyes. However, this is not the case. Instead, God uses these trips to work in us. He uses these trips to show I things in our own lives. Whether that be the perfections in ourselves or our imprecations. Yes, leaving is horrific and a wave of emotion. However, evaluating and seeking out Him to give clarity can be a refreshment. God has a unique and uncanny ability to show up and move mountains to show us things. Sometimes, instead of the mountain crumbling into pieces, it explodes with Him standing there arms open wide. All of this being said, I firmly believe that I truly don’t know the answers to why God sends us on short term missions trips. The same questions can be formed for a missionary who has to ‘vacate’ a country after living there for 15years. All in all, I have no clue why God does the things he does. However, I know one important thing HE IS DANG GOOD. No matter how hard it is getting stripped away from those who we love and trust. Learning to trust him is something I am working on and I pray he continues to show me how to do. My prayer is that He continues to mold me into the Man of God and vessel of God he wants me to be.
As I dive into the next chapter and season of life I ask for prayers. I have decided to transfer to UNC Charlotte in the Spring to pursue a degree in Communications and a minor in Spanish. I ask for prayers for the rest of my squad as they are transitioning into numerous seasons of life. I ask for prayer for each one to radically change where they are at and bring God into the center of their universe. I ask for prayer for both of the churches in Ventanilla. I ask for prayer for Julia and Kingdom Table. I ask for prayer for the Special Needs beach ministry we were able to partner with. I ask for prayer for Capacitods, the ministry that empowers men with developmental disabilities. I ask for continued prayer for the country of Ecuador, for God to restore! For God to bring his presence to the people! I ask for prayer for Dunamis and the girls they pour into daily. I ask for prayer for Gina, Dan, and Savannah that they continue to minister well to the girls, as well as each team that comes to serve! I also ask for prayer for Camp Hope and that they continue to bless each child of God!! I also ask for continued prayer for Pan de Vida and the work they are doing there. Finally, I ask for prayer for Fabi and Mabe as they continue to serve teams and pour into them. Thank you and God Bless!
-Ben
