The people we will be living with for 11 months dont know a lot about Libby and I yet. They will learn about us just like we will learn about them. It will be lots of fun most of the time and frustrating at others. This blog is for them and others who want to know what would make a married couple want to leave two good jobs, rent/sell their house that they love, in a city that they love,leaving family that they love and friends who love like family to travel in close quarters with people they have never met. You might say that it's not going to be a struggle because we are going to be traveling the world and on an adventure but keep reading and see why our motive is not as clear cut as you may think.
Being married and doing something like this is different. You dont really have that many transition times left in your life to make major changes to your path… or at least thats what everyone will tell you and if you are foolish enough you will listen. Libby and I hit one of those rare transition points for a married coupe about a year and a half ago. Kids.. We cant have any(at least not naturally). Its me and not her and that doesnt bother me. Really, I promise Im fine with it. Im not supressing any feelings of inadequacy, failure or doubting my manhood. I gladly turned my man card in when we got married. Libby will happily admit that at times and even now it is difficult to think or talk about. Often we argued simply over the different way she and I handled the news and its implications. I was relaxed focused and rational. I focused on hope, miracles, and the plan I knew God had for us moving ahead. Libby is made different than me and thats ok. Just because she was more emotional and devastated by the news doesnt make her any less a faithfull beleiver in Jesus. I say this with confidence because because this friction (rub, tension what ever you want to call it) works the same in return for me. Just because I didn't react the way she reacted or feel the way she felt doesn't make me wrong, less of a Christian or a bad husband. It just is what is. We are who we are for now.
After the initial shock, we pushed forward and pursued our options. We looked at several homegrown option as well as other grocery storeish options. We landed with in vitro. Months of shots and Dr. appointments and meds and procedures for both of us. All of this not to mention the year that we tried and failed the natural way not knowing that something was wrong. Again all the while the realist wants to pinch the head off of the eternal optomist. Talking about miracles is great but timing is everything. I had to learn when to keep the optomist trap shut and when to just be there and listen. When all the prep work was done we had two ( just two) little baby Ables and both were going to be implanted to raise the chances of success. Success was not in the plan…this time. So again we talked and fought and prayed and tried to figure out the next step. Money had been spent and resources tapped for the time being so we were at least a little backed into a corner when it came to moving forward… or so we thought.
Forward had come to mean a very specific thing for us. Forward meant the dream that we had for ourselves. We were to have children that were our own, biologically and physically. I dont really think that we were that far off in our understanding of what God wanted for us. I think we just had to get used to the timing and details of how he would make that happen. As we grew, we found out that letting God have control wasnt just for the bad stuff. We had to give up the good stuff as well. We had to free ourselves from this idea enough to be able to ask and honestly answer the question,
The answer to that question is easy for a person who has had their dreams snatched from them. We arent bitter though. We actually feel very free. God was kind and gracious to show us how we were fighting with him. We know Him better now and will continue to know Him better as this year goes forward. I have moved forward a little and dream about how God will satisfy the desire he gave us to have children. Libby isn't quite ready for that but she will be. You learn a lot about the way people hear from God when you are married to them. So one day, probably in the next year, we are going to be in a situation that has nothing to with kids or pain or maybe even God (even though He will be there) and shes going to say something like, "I think Im good now". As happy as I will be for her in that moment because of the relief she will have, I will be happier to see the end of the journey she has been on because the journey meant she was participating. I guess thats what we have both been learning. Participation. That our plans are activity just for the sake of doing something. Particiaption means that we are willing to be a part of the plan God has. Right now that means sharing the love of Jesus with the world and loving the kids that God has for us there. Love like they are our own…because for a while, they will be.
