Preface: I write like I talk.
So much has happened in the span of what is now 8 months. My heart has been in many different places throughout the duration of each. They have been so different. The Father will highlight new things every time we switch countries. There have been a few months where I was being pruned in the same specific area but most atmospheres were different, physically and spiritually, which usually shifted my focus. Change is oftentimes difficult, especially for me. I can get so stuck in one place that I get comfortable and stagnant; whether that be an internal or a physical place of comfort, both are difficult for me to allow to change. Traveling and moving around all the time requires a lot of change. (AHHH)
There have been so many circumstances on this experience (The World Race) where I was sooooo ready to be home, back to what was comfortable, in my environment, doing my thing. Basically, running away from every problem that was happening in the moment. Running away from the pain, the conflict…it seemed easier to just throw up my hands and say “I’m done.” At home, it was easy to avoid all of those things because I was comfortable.
It seems ridiculous right? To allow yourself to sit in a place of discomfort. Why would you put yourself through that? You have to face and deal with all of your emotions…EW. You have to actually talk about your internal issues with people…EW. You have to be willing to humble yourself sometimes too and say “okay, yeah, I messed up,”…CRINGY. You have to be willing to set your own selfish desires aside and meet other people’s needs…HARD.
Take a minute to pity yourself. Okay now let’s be adults…
Listen, these small temporary sacrifices are NOTHING in comparison to the growth that follows them. Let’s be real, comfort is something we all desire. We all selfishly focus on ourselves a good bit, if not, majority of the time. I will be the first to raise my hand!! I have to ask God to strip me of my selfish habits/pride/wants allllll the time, and it can be p a i n f u l. That’s been a lot of this experience for me. Removing myself and seeing others. Heck, that’s my life now. I’ve come to realize that it’s when I allow myself to feel and process what’s happening internally, then I can grow!
A few years back, I had told God that I just wanted to live for him. I didn’t care what it would look like, I just wanted to be like him and live solely for him. I said “take me on a wild adventure!!!” Safe to say, he’s done exactly that, if not more. At the time I didn’t think I fully understood everything I was asking for…lolololol. (If you know, you know)
BUT. I wouldn’t change anything. As hard as it is to be a “Christian” …it’s worth it. The hard things are only temporary. And even the good, tangible things are temporary. What’s ETERNAL is the life we have when we choose to say yes to following Jesus! Can I get an Amen??
Anyways, now that I have rabbit trailed 0974059764 times, here’s my main reason for writing this blog: I AM SAD.
Lately, I have found myself in this place emotionally where I am dreading going back home to America. REALLY????? Yes. Like genuinely struggling to be excited about it. It’s another change, but a BIG change. My life for the last year has been overseas. Now, I have to go back into a place where I am fearful of becoming quickly bored. FEAR. It has crept in. I’ve seen, done, tasted, learned, met so many new things and… I’ve LOVED IT. What does going back home even look like? Will I get bored? Will things become less interesting?
Something about being overseas, outside of our homely comforts, heightens your senses! You feel alive, exuberant, and like you are on fire! At least, that’s how I’ve felt. Will it all go away when I get back home? AGHH. This is a fear I am wrestling with of late. Before I had left to come out on this trip, everything seemed mundane and conversations seemed surface level. Since I have been out on the field, everything has been interesting and conversations have been full of depth and meaningful. A few days back, I was wrestling with God about this specifically, almost to the point of begging him to keep me from going home. But of course he does his thing and shifts my perspective. My understanding grew in that conversation.
Before I left, I knew God and his presence. I knew his character. There just wasn’t as much depth when I was at home. But I don’t even believe “depth” is the correct word to use. There wasn’t as much of God?? No, no… growth??
Ahhh I see…Bella, you’ve grown…you’ve changed! Maturity!! That’s the word!!
Oh.
You mean, life can still be interesting when I go home? You mean, I can still be in tune with God’s presence all day everyday? You’re saying I can still live like I am on fire??? YES. GIRL. YES. It’s not the people that were surface level, it’s not the place that was mundane…(I am realizing now just how much growth has taken place in such a short amount of time.)
My mind can quickly get stuck in fear of what it will be like when I get home…BUT, I am choosing to change my perspective from “I have to” to “I get to.”
I GET TO. I get to love/serve the people back at home! I get to seek out new adventures with God! No matter where I am, life with Jesus is never boring. It can be difficult, but it’s exciting. It’s life with Jesus that is refreshing. It’s life with Jesus that makes me feel alive. Being overseas is fun but it’s not what makes life exciting…it’s Jesus!
#REVELATION.
Thanks for reading, much love…
-B
