Hey I am back. So, I am just going to go ahead and do a vulnerability series for you guys. These are things that are going on in my life that I want to share and in turn, my prayer is that people feel open to share their internal issues as well. There’s beauty in sharing because it gives people: first, a way to relate and know they are not alone in life and then second, a release that brings freedom and peace!
God has been so nurturing with me in this time. He has been bringing things into recognition and then also guiding me gently through the process of releasing those things. I told you in my last blog, if you had a chance to read it, that I had been struggling with some emotions that weren’t very easy to address. But, because God brought those things into the light, I was able to release them to Him at the foot of the cross. Through the release, He continues to guide me through the process of what to do when those emotions come up.
We are now in Nepal, stepping into our second month of our race and there’s been a lot of pain that I have held within me from years ago that is coming to the surface. We are actually in a time of something called debrief. Our whole squad is together these first couple of weeks for this second month. During debrief, we’ve been able to go back and reflect on things that happened in our first month and also, express what each of us are going through. It has been really uplifting and encouraging but also, tender and painful.
We have had the pleasure of our squad mentor, Stephanie, and then our squad coaches, Mark and Jane being with us for debrief. They have each spoken so much life into us. They have also spoken some words that have brought revelations and awareness to things as well.
Preface :
For those of you who don’t know a lot about my past and what I have walked through, here it is:
Ever since I was little, I desired to be loved. I was a fun, active, loving, cuddly little squish. I loved my momma…so much so, that she called me a barnacle because I was attached to her hip. She was my world, and all that I knew. My biological father wasn’t around at the time. But, there was a few years with this man named Jim, who my mom was with when I was a child. I remembered Jim as a father figure. Unfortunately, we lost Jim due to a heart attack that he had in his sleep. I remember being so heart-broken. He had played the father role in my life and then he was gone. It was a very hard and painful time in my life.
I remember having a few encounters with my biological father but it was never intimate. It was more of a recognition of: this is my father, but it didn’t feel that way. I just missed Jim. So years went by where I didn’t see my biological father and my mom and I were just two peas in a pod. I didn’t realize how the absence of my father was affecting me. It was also tough because my mom worked a lot to make sure we were taken care of. So, she wasn’t necessarily around all the time. I just wanted to be loved and I know my mom did all that she could with what she had, but there was just a part of me that lacked the love I desired.
My mother also did what she could to ensure that I knew who God was by enrolling me in a Christian private school at a young age. There, I had structure and was taught good morals. I was taught about the Father and all that he did but I never knew that I was able to have a relationship with him.
Throughout elementary, middle, and high school I began to seek after attention and affirmation. I didn’t recognize these things at the time and didn’t know that I was personally desiring them. I just knew that I wanted to be loved. Over the years these feelings and habits settled inside of my heart. They caused a lot of insecurities within me that affected the way I saw myself and the way that I received love.
In high school, I was exposed to new things and my innocent mind became corrupted. I hated myself. I felt so empty on the inside. So, I began to seek after things that I felt would bring me some type of relief or fulfillment…things like attention from boys and then partying for numbing those feelings. It quickly became a habitual cycle. In the moment, the attention I got filled the void that was left in my heart from the absence of a father. In turn, actions that followed the things I was seeking after, turned into feelings of guilt and shame. This cycle repeated itself for awhile. It was all so temporary, yet I still felt the need to seek after it.
These emotions stumbled over into the first year of my college career. It was at this point in time that I first understood that I could have a relationship with God. But because I had carried these feelings with me for so long, I didn’t realize how painful it would be to release them.
College was hard because I was reintroduced to a lifestyle I thought I was leaving behind in high school. It was at the end of my first year of college that I heard the Lord’s voice audibly say, “Go.” Go where God?
“Go daughter!! Run from this. This is not who you are, this is not what I want for you. These are not the plans I have for you. Take my hand, we will go far.”
Moving forward:
In the next blog I will share more of what’s been going on recently and what God has been walking me through here in Nepal.
