Welcome back to the blog! This blog will conclude “The Release” series…yay! Here’s to moving forward!
Update:
Still in Nepal. The rest of our squad is in India. Plans have recently switched up on us a little bit. So, we were supposed to go to a 4-day seminar back near the Tibetan border with some of the members of our host family but, unfortunately it wasn’t in our budget. Bummer. But it’s totally okay!! Our team is moving forward with open hands and willingness to be available for whatever God has for us in these next few days! With that being said, we may be going to another place in Nepal called Pokhara for a few days and then come back to our host home for a couple days before heading to India. Although leaving Nepal and the beautiful relationships we have formed with our hosts will be hard, we are excited and expectant for what India will bring and all of the things God will do while we are there.
Also, these past few blogs have been very vulnerable. I appreciate all of the love and support each of you have given through this time of growth and refining. I do want to continue to write and share more of the activities and God stories that are happening here overseas, through our team and through the people we’ve met! So stay tuned for more!
Preface :
In the last blog, I had mentioned the vision that God had given me and the revelation He brought me through it. I had also mentioned that He had been helping me step into more of my spiritual gifts, which I will be talking about in this blog! Like I said before, these things can seem foreign to some of you, and then some of you will relate more. I want you to know that if what I mention or talk about does seem foreign, that’s okay!! There is so much of God that we can’t really comprehend, but I also know that he wants to show us more. How exciting! He wants to show US these things. He has so much in store for us and all we have to do is simply say “yes.” I hear a quote often that goes something like this, “you gain your life when you give it away.” I can say honestly, that I have personally experienced this. The days that I choose to put God’s love over my own understanding are the days that I gain the most freedom. He wants that for YOU too.
Okay now that I have gone down a rabbit trail, let’s move forward! (I get so fired up about these things)
Moving forward :
During our first week in Nepal, I noticed right off the bat, that a majority of the population here is bound up in religion. There are a lot of spiritual strongholds. I won’t go into too much detail but that is something you can be interceding for, for the country of Nepal. Pray for more revelation of who God is and for the break of bondage from religion. I saw a lot of darkness and oppression over people and places. Spiritually, it is very heavy. Our team has been attacked spiritually multiple times while being here. Once again, I don’t want to instill fear, but these things are very much a reality in our world today and it is good to be aware of them.
I am going to share a specific circumstance, where I was spiritually attacked, and it ties in with everything that God was doing in me at the time.
After God gave me the vision, he told me he was going to restore me.
I began having old memories of specific times in my past where people hurt me or rejected me come up. Memories that were from when I was in elementary and middle school to memories from four years ago. Also, I was having memories from specific circumstances where I gave myself away to guilt and shame come up as well. I asked God why I was remembering all of these things because thinking about them was difficult. I was so broken and so far from God in those times. He said to me “I want to show you all of the moments where you took on the wrong identity.” He proceeded to say, “I was with you in all of these moments.” I asked, “why didn’t you stop these things from happening?” He replied saying, “there are things I allow my children to go through in order to shape them into who I have made them to be.” I asked, “why are these things so painful?” He replied saying, “sometimes the most painful things bring the most freedom.” I asked again, “what do you mean God?” He replied saying, “when you are at your lowest point, you are more aware of your need for me. In your most painful moments you can choose to turn towards me or run away from me. These moments are times when you chose to believe in a lie telling you that you weren’t good enough. I want you to recognize these things and know that none of these circumstances define you, that you are enough. I love you with a love that is unconditional, and there is nothing that can separate you from my love. I am here to restore and bring freedom to you so that you no longer are bound in the lies and that you are able to step into your true identity, which is only found in me.”
After this conversation..the Lord gave me another vision.
Vision #2 : Imagine this
Jesus and I back into the oval cave (my soul)…The two tv screens were gone. There was on opening at the end of a walk way that went further into the cave. There was light coming from the opening. Jesus wasn’t there anymore but I could hear him say “go further.” So I began to walk towards the opening that was beaming with light. As I got to the opening, I saw an open field. When I stepped into the field I became 5-year-old Bella. This field had tall grass and mountains in the distance. There was a tree in the middle of this field. I began to walk towards the tree and as I got closer there was a huge lion resting under the shade from the tree. Normally, I would have been scared because, I mean, it was a lion…But I immediately knew that the lion was God. So I began to run towards him. I embraced him and all of his luscious fur that flowed around his face. He said, “welcome daughter.” Something about this place was so freeing, warm, and peaceful. He proceeded to say, “you can rest here.” There were tons of beautiful flowers and plant life and the air was crisp and fresh. When I looked at the mountains, they were a little intimidating. God came and stood by me and said, “those mountains in the distance…are you fearful of them? Do you know what they are?” I responded saying, “they are so big, and they are just mountains right?” He responded saying, “They are the struggles that you have gone through and overcame.” We stood there together, him as a lion, me as a child, and he reminded me of His power. He then brought us to the top of one of the mountains and said, “because I have overcome, you have too.” Then the vision ended.
After the vision :
I wanted to share that with you guys specifically because I was having my alone time one day and I was just drawing because I do that sometimes. But I drew up a picture that was just like my vision. Well…I loved the picture that I drew so much that I wanted to get a tattoo of it. So, I did. (Don’t worry, I’ll share a picture at the end of the blog).
Anyways, we went into this place called Mohan’s Tattoo. I remember the day so clearly. The thought of getting the tattoo was harmless, fun, and exciting because it represented this beautiful vision that God had shared with me. Walking into the tattoo shop, I immediately felt a spiritual stronghold of lust. The atmosphere was shaken. So, I prayed for the Holy Spirit’s presence and went about my business. I was so excited to get my tattoo. I met my artist and we discussed some things and he prepared the sketch and I loved it even more. So, it was finally time to go back and get my tattoo. I decide to put the tattoo on the right side of my torso.
Side note :
I am a very physical touch person and that specific area was a very vulnerable spot.
Now, like I said, getting this tattoo was a harmless, fun, and exciting thing. I laid down and he began to get everything ready and then proceeded to start my tattoo. My team leader, Denise, was with me. She was cheering me on and holding my hand through the pain. An hour and a half later, he was done! I loved everything about my tattoo and especially the meaning that it held for me.
Well, after it was over, I was just talking to the artist about life and realized that he was kinda cute. Did not think any further into it, paid, and went about the rest of my day. Later on that night, I caught myself thinking about this boy and it was so strange because I barely knew him and had only talked to him for maybe 5 minutes. The whole time he was doing my tattoo, I was talking to Denise. So, I shrugged my shoulders and went to bed. The next day I woke up thinking about him again. I caught myself desiring to see him. This was all so strange because it felt like something had came over me and had drawn me into thoughts about this boy. SO WEIRD. Well, I immediately took this to the Lord and said, “God, what is this?” I recognized that these thoughts that I was having were not my own and they were not from God. He responded saying, “there is a spirit of lust over you.” I began to pray against lust. It was as if the physical touch from the artist, in the area that was vulnerable, had left a little bit of “slime” behind.
That day, we met as a squad because we were still in a week of debrief. I remember going up to Stephanie, our squad mentor, and asking for prayer. I described the thoughts I was having and the situation. She placed her hands on me and confronted the demonic spirit and commanded it to flee in Jesus’ name. As she did this, I felt heat come out of my tattoo. I instantly felt peace of mind and freedom from the thoughts I was having. But, I still felt like I had an attachment to this boy. Almost like a soul-tie (an emotional bond that forms an attachment. They can be ungodly or Godly, or pure or demonic)
I continued to ask the Lord why I still felt this way. He then brought me back to all of the moments in my past where I had given pieces of my soul away. I remember feeling like there was this rubber-band ball of emotions sitting on my chest. The heaviness from those emotions caused me to lose my breath for a moment. He then took this rubber-band ball of emotions, old thought habits, false identities and lies that I was holding onto, and placed them in the image of this boy. He proceeded to say, “it’s time for you to break up with Him.” I then recognized that the Lord was giving me a physical representation of all of these things that I was holding onto, and an opportunity to physically break up with them. I know, CRAZY.
I expected NONE of this. But what’s crazy is that even though this circumstance wasn’t ideal, God used it to bring freedom to my life.
Moving forward, I was in awe of everything that the Lord was doing and had done. My mind was blown. Nothing about this was easy and even the release of all of these emotions and old thought habits was very painful.
I was breaking up with something that I had held onto and did life with for so long. Just like you break off a relationship that you’ve been in for years, it’s PAINFUL. I had to mourn this for a few days.
BUT, because the victory has been won and because I am a child of God, I no longer have to be held in bondage to fear, shame, guilt, doubt, lust, etc. I can rejoice in the freedom that comes from God! His grace is sufficient and his love is unconditional! Praise be to God for all of his goodness! He loves us, he cares for us, he sees us in our brokenness, he fills us, he restores us, and he carries us. I can confidently say that I am releasing these things to the foot of the cross and today, I am choosing to walk in the FREEDOM that God has given me.
Thank you for reading.
Much love,
-B
