Here is to the promise I made to be vulnerable with all of you over the next year!
Today is another big day for my family. Today is a day that I get sick thinking of. A day that gives me knots in my stomach. A day that makes me want to run and hide from the world. A day that makes me cling to the Lord. One year ago today I was sleeping. One year ago today I still worked nightshift. I had one of my hardest nights as a nurse. I came home feeling mentally and physically drained. As I cried in the shower questioning my abilities, feeling worried that I should have done more for my patient, feeling worried that they were not going to survive their admission. As the rest of the world began to wake up, I crawled into bed thinking that I had had a horrible day. I had no clue what I was in for. I had maybe been asleep for thirty minutes when my mother ran frantically into my room.
“Your dad is dead.” I spent the rest of the day in a haze, feeling confident that this had to be some sort of horrible nightmare. More honestly that feeling lasted the better part of a month. Nothing in this life will ever prepare you to hear those words. Nothing will ever prepare your heart to see your sweet, sweet siblings face such hard grief. Nothing will ever prepare you to pick out a casket, flowers, funeral clothes. This time of tragedy does not come with an instruction manual. Nothing prepares you to never get to talk to, see, hug your daddy again. To never hear him call you his brown-eyed girl or leave you cheesy voicemails reminding you that he loves you.
Today is a dark day for my family. Today is a day that so much of me wishes we could just skip over, that I could sleep through. Today is a day I want to shut out the world and find a place to hide. Today is a day where I have no choice, but to turn to my Heavenly Father, because He is a good, good Father. He walks through these dark days with us. He is our confidant, our shoulder to cry on, our comforter. God is greater than any pain, than any suffering. Our Father, who loves us in ways that we cannot even fathom, will not abandon us. He will not leave us when our lives are messy. Rather, He fearlessly pursues us in all circumstances. He is light and He will always overpower any darkness we encounter.
Y’all. How crazy is that? How insanely crazy that even when we feel like we cannot go on, when we are hit with life altering, devastating news, there He is. If the past two years have taught me anything it is that our Father is FAITHFUL. I have probably mentioned that in every blog post I have written and I likely will continue to. The Lord is constantly showing me this revelation of His love. He is continuing to show me that when I face trials and tribulations the only way I will be able to overcome them is by crawling into His lap and letting myself process my feelings. He wants us to cry or scream or laugh or just be still. Whatever we need to do as long as we do it with Him.
I do not know what you are walking through. Maybe you are in a season of grief and despair or pure joy or you are struggling with feeling stagnant in life. I do not know what you are seeking your comfort in but I can promise you one thing. If you are not taking your struggles to the cross, then whatever you are currently finding relief in will be fleeting. The ONLY way to find true peace is through Jesus. You are not too messy. You are important enough. That crazy night out, that drink, that boy/girl, that drug will only put a band aid on your bullet hole. Friends, take your pain, shame, sin all of it and lay it down on the cross. When your days are dark do not seek these temporary fixes. Go to the healer and be healed. Coming from someone who has wasted plenty of band aids, I promise you will not regret allowing the Lord to come into your darkness and make you whole again. The Lord is a good, good Father. Let Him love you, heal you, be with you.
Lord, thank You for the cross. Thank you for sending your Son to make the ultimate sacrifice. Thank you for loving us at our weakest. Thank you for never walking away. Your great love for us is why on this day I can find peace. I am confident that my father is with you in Heaven today. That he is worshiping You on Your throne with all of the saints and the angels. Thank You for covering me with Your peace on this day.
All my love,
Bekah
