So I’ve been wanting to write about this, because it’s been something I’ve been working through in my walk with The Lord. I’ve talked about this with a few people, but for the most part, I don’t thinI many people know this about me and my deep struggle with it. I’ve debates about sharig this, but I figure that the sooner I am vulnerable with this, the more freely I can share later on.
Here’s to being vulnerable with you:
I struggle with singleness. Hardcore.
Sometimes I wonder if there’s something wrong with me because no guy has ever really shown any interest in me. It’s really hard, because there’s this longing in my heart to get married and have a family. But The Lord has kept me single for a very long time. When I was growing up, I had this dream that I would be done with college and married by the time I was 22.
I’m 23. And neither of those dreams are true in my life. And I’m just fine with not having completed college yet. That will come one day, maybe. But it’s the married thing that trips me up.
And it trips me up all the time. I’ll be fine for a week or so, and then it’s like this overwhelming feeling like I’m a failure in life because I don’t even have anyone remotely interested in me. I feel rejected and confused and hurt.
Ultimately it boils down to my heart. These feelings reveal my dissatisfaction with The Lord. It reveals that I still struggle with finding all my joy and all my hope in Christ. It shows my need for the Holy Spirit to keep changing my affections and my desires for Him.
I know that I’m going to desire marriage. This beautiful gift is a wonderful expression of the gospel. And I want that. But more than marriage, I want my heart to long for more of Christ. More of who He is. More of Him at work in my life. More of Him stripping away my love of this world and replacing it with adoration of Him. If I can do that within marriage, then I pray that I will have the chance to do so. But if The Lord sees fit to keep me single and dependent only on Him, then I hope and pray that He will give me grace to be satisfied and joyful.
Lately though, I’ve been getting frustrated with my desire for marriage. Because with the World Race came a commitment to singleness for the next year and a half (until after I’ve completed the Race). I’m all about this. I really am. It wouldn’t be wise to start a relationship before leaving for a while. So it’s frustrating when I start wanting to be married.
I constantly have to remind myself that singleness is a wonderful gift from The Lord. It’s a way for Him to change me and mold me into His image that nothing else could ever do. This gift of singleness allowed me to move home when my dad was sick, because I didn’t have anything holding me back. This gift of singleness is allowing me to go on the Race. I’m not committed to anyone, so God is taking me on this grand adventure, because I’m committed to Him.
Singleness is a great gift. The Lord has chosen to give me this gift for a while, and I will gladly keep it for however long He keeps giving it to me. It doesn’t mean that I’m not going to keep struggling with it, because I know I will. But in those moments that I’m struggling and wondering why The Lord is keeping me single, I can run to the arms of the Almighty and rest knowing that He is working out everything in my life for His glory.
So if I get married one day, I hope and pray that God will receive all the glory.
Or if I stay single the rest of my life, I hope and pray that God will receive all the glory.
Thanks for letting me be real.
