Gentle Savior

Last month was a grieving month. The Lord showed me that while I was preparing a message for the church we’re working with. I was taking a break and reading “Kingdom Journeys” by Seth Barnes. And I came to a section that talked about grieving–grieving things or people you left behind and other things. As I read the words he wrote, my spirit welled up inside me. And I just started crying. In my mind’s eye I could see all the things that I had grieved over in the last month of my life:
-Home–I was homesick, majorly, toward the end of Vietnam and all through Uganda. I grieved missing my mom, sister, family, and countless close friends.
-My team dynamic–Our team was struggling. Things weren’t how I thought they would be. But I didn’t know how to express to others what I was seeing. And so I cried out to The Lord about it often.
-My Dad–I missed him a lot at the end of Vietnam and all through Uganda. And so I grieved his death again. I grieved not being able to have that relationship with him anymore.
-Papa Jim–He was our coach for our squad. He went to be in the presence of Jesus on Christmas Eve. And the news shocked me. I talked with Jesus a lot in the days after his death about how the wound of losing my own dad was ripped back open in losing another father figure in my life. It was rough. And I grieved deeply in my spirit over the next week.
-Diane–We lost Diane to another wonderful team at the end of Uganda. It was the one change that no one saw coming. And I took it really hard. I had gotten really close to Diane. And I still miss her on a daily basis. The team definitely grieved her loss.
-Squad Leading–So, this is something I only shared with a few people. But I really wanted to squad lead. I felt The Lord leading me in that direction for a couple months. And I told Him often that it’s what I wanted too. But others were chosen, and I was in a place of brokenness. I grieved for a few days. I still don’t understand why The Lord placed it on my heart. But I know I can trust Him.
-My own sinfulness, fears, and insecurities–the Lord continued a work that I know He will be completing the rest of my life. He’s been working on freeing me and helping me live in my identity in Christ-not seeking to please others, but seeking first to please Him.
So, when all these things flashed before my eyes, I just couldn’t believe that The Lord had walked me through so much. More than I had ever thought He could have or would have in one month. He walked me through brokenness. I hope He never stops walking me through brokenness.
I want Him to keep breaking me. I want to live out of my brokenness. Because when I’m doing that, I’m truly dependent on Him. I’m seeking Him as my all. And that’s when His power is truly evident in me.

Something big is happening in me. Y’all, I don’t really know how to describe it. Or what exactly He’s doing. But it’s big. And I think a big breakthrough is about to happen. So I’m waiting on Him.

He’s teaching me to dance. The other night at worship, one of the worship teams broke up and went out into the congregation to get people and brought them back up to the stage to dance with them the rest of the song. A girl came up to me and asked if I wanted to go up. And instinctively, my response was “No.” So she grabbed Allison who was sitting next to me.
Then another little girl came up to me and grabbed my hand and started dragging me out of my seat, in the sweetest way possible. So I went up to the front and danced. And it was a little awkward. But it was fun. Most of all, I just felt the joy of the Spirit. He was delighted that I was dancing.
He’s leading me gently into newness and freedom. That night The Lord took the form of a little 9-year-old girl grabbing my hand and leading me to the stage to dance for Him.

So, I just keep praying that my gentle Savior will keep leading me down the path that He’s set before me–whether it’s full of bumps an bruises or smooth sailing with lots of dancing. He knows what He’s leading me into. He’s my good Shepherd. And I trust Him.