So this post is technically for July 20th. But I’ll be at Training Camp (starting tomorrow) and I really don’t think that I’ll have access to the internet while I’m there. So. Here it is a couple days early.
Dear Dad,
It’s been a year since we said goodbye. It’s really hard to believe. But it has been. In a weird way I want to say “Happy One Year Anniversary” to you. Because I’m sure it’s been one of the most joyful years for you–to be in the presence of the Almighty. (I can’t even imagine. What glory!) So, I’m just going to say it: “Happy One Year Anniversary!” What bliss to know that you were redeemed from death long ago. So when your earthly body passed away it was simply you entering the presence of our Father. We mourned long and hard. But at the end of it all, there is an abundance of joy.
We went up to Alaska last month on a Disney Cruise to celebrate life–your life and the fact that the Lord continues to give us grace to keep living. I don’t think you would have really cared about the Disney cruise part. But you would have loved Alaska. I mean, the Disney Cruise itself was awesome. The musicals we saw were top notch! (Your favorite part! Ha. You would have sat through them because you loved us.) The food we had was excellent. And our servers were awesome! I think you would have really gotten along with Sunil. He was hilarious and liked to pick on us a little bit. It kinda reminded me of you.
But the views we had of Alaska…they were beautiful. I mean, you would have gloried in how great the Lord is to have created such beauty. Most of the water was glacier blue. And the glaciers themselves were majestic. The train ride we had down the mountain pass was wonderful, although we went through some pretty narrow spots. And I think you would have loved whale watching. We saw many humpbacks breach the water. (It was incredible.)
We took some of your ashes with us up to Alaska, and behind a beautiful lodge on a beautiful island, we scattered them. We didn’t have a lot of time to dwell and really think about you at that moment, because we had to get back on the boat. But it was a sweet moment.
After Alaska, we went to Vancouver for a few days to look around. The city itself was beautiful with its skyscrapers and parks. We did a lot of walking over those days…and all I could think about was how you would be hurting so much if we had tried to do all that walking with you. But it was fun to get a walker’s perspective through the city. We learned a lot of history in those few days.
We miss you a lot around here, ya know. This past month has been full of memories of you. I don’t think we could have stopped talking about you if we had wanted to. I mean, for reals. Everything would remind me of something you had done. We would laugh over funny stories, or we would sit in a quiet silence after one of your more serious memories.
But in all of them, I couldn’t help but be thankful to the Lord for the time He had given us together.
The timing of your death may not have been what I was expecting or wanting. I wanted you to grow old so you could walk me down the aisle at my wedding. I wanted you to be around so you could spoil my kids and teach them that “Life’s not always fair.” I wanted you and Mom to be able to travel together. I wanted to watch as your love for Mom to continued to grow.
I don’t necessarily understand why the Lord took you.
But I do know that I can trust Him. I can believe in His goodness and grace. And He’s graciously healing my heart daily and teaching me to keep living.
I’m not gonna lie, my heart is still pretty broken. And there are definitely days when it feels so broken that it’s hard to go on. But the Lord is faithful to keep me going. He keeps me moving forward, one step at a time. And that’s how I’m living my life right now–one day, moment, step at a time.
The Lord is leading me down an incredible path. I mean, I can’t believe that I leave for the Race in just over a month. It’s really crazy to think about. But at the end of the day, I’m humbled to have been given this opportunity. He’s awesome to be taking me on this journey.
I’m fully funded! The Lord has abundantly provided for me. I’m humbled and grateful.
I’m also really nervous. I know the Lord will be faithful to guide me and lead me. But I’m nervous about leaving behind everything and everyone I know and love. But I know that this will be an incredible journey where the Lord will change my heart and grow my love for Him.
This nervousness is nothing new for me. You know how I always would get nervous before going on some crazy big adventure–whether it was leaving for an entire summer at 17 to serve in Beaufort, SC, or moving across the country to go to school for a while. I would always get nervous, because deep down I knew that everything was about to change.
I was thinking about when I moved to NC in 2011, and I started freaking out about it the week before I left. I remember the words of wisdom you and mom told me. You reminded me that God would equip me as I walked closely with Him. You reminded me that even though we would be thousands of miles apart, you would only be one day away–because you could hop on a plane in an instant. But most of all, you reminded me to take courage and know that The Lord was the One leading the charge on this adventure. You reminded me to take a firm hold on His word, to press into Him in prayer, and to seek His face.
I’m reminding myself of what you said to me back then now. Because I’m starting to freak out a little bit about how much everything is about to change again. Your words point me to Christ and remind me who I should be putting my hope and faith in, who I should be keeping my eyes on when I’m freaking out.
I’m thankful you always pointed me to Christ.
I love you, and I miss you.
