So, for those of you who are just now reading about this, and don’t really know what I’m doing for 9 months starting next August, let me just start with a brief explanation/summary.
The World Race Gap Year is a 9 month long mission trip where racers go to 3 different countries for 3 months each. On my gap year, I will be visiting Guatemala, Lesotho, and Cambodia. There, I will do ministry with a team of people depending on whatever that certain area needs. Mainly, we’ll be loving God’s people, whatever that may look like.
I think that when we follow God, there are always obstacles that try to stop us from doing what we know we need to do. One thing that has always been my own personal obstacle is anxiety. I’ve had anxiety since I was 11 years old. It can be very severe, sometimes making me physically sick and causing me to be very lightheaded and nauseous. I’ve been on and off of medications, in and out of counseling, but ultimately it has become a part of my life that I have had to personally learn how to live with and cope with. One thing I feel the need to explain is that anxiety is not always something that can just be ‘prayed away’ or controlled. It’s less of ‘not trusting God’ and more of not trusting your own beliefs, if that makes any sense. This can be an especially hard thing to deal with because often times I can doubt my strength as a Christian, and become insecure about my faith. But I know that God understands my journey. I know that He views me as His worthy daughter, and I know that in no way does it define my relationship with God.
The reason I want to focus on this aspect of my life is because when I was in 6th grade, I wanted to be singer for a living. I wanted to perform concerts and write and be on the road. The only issue was, I had terrible stage fright. I would nearly throw up anytime I had to sing for anyone, even my own family. I remember though, very clearly, promising myself that if the opportunity ever came to be a singer for a living, despite my anxiety, I would do it anyway. Because singing was the thing I wanted to do the most. Because it was important.
I think it’s funny how much you can learn from your past self, 6 years later, doing something completely different.
Of course, childhood dreams pass and the reality of who you really want to be unfolds. I don’t have the desire to be a singer anymore. More so, I want to serve God. I want to grow. I want to leave, to serve, to feel, to love, to experience the differences of the human race that connect us in ways that we never even realized.
Was I terrified when I applied? Yes, I won’t even pretend like I wasn’t. Am I still a little bit terrified? Oh yes. Of course.
But I applied anyway. I decided to go anyway, because I know that it’s where I am supposed to be, and what I am supposed to do.
It has never been about how we feel, but what we do with the things we feel. It has never been about the lack of fear, but the ability to fight it using an abundance of courage that can only be found in God. And it has never been about us anyway, but the God who made us, and who will continue to reign.
Everything important that you will do should awaken a tiny bit of fear in you.
Do it anyway.
