I love harmony. I like for everyone to get along and be happy, and I try to do all that I can to make sure people are taken care of. With this comes a lot of external awareness – always looking to people to read how to react or to see if I’m doing enough or to figure out what more needs to be done to bring about that perceived harmony (after all, it is my driver..).
I think there is a lot of beauty in that – but about a month ago, at the end of January, I realized that I abused this harmony and it caused me to fall into people pleasing and seeking approval from people. I found myself struggling with self-worth and craving attention and affirmation and just feeling really empty and not myself. I didn’t have the harmony I so naturally strive for. I had allowed it to take me to a place that was unhealthy. It was frustrating. And it hurt. But it brought me to a place where I knew I needed to stop and take a step back to see what had happened in the midst of what I had looked at as being selfless and serving people. That couldn’t be it, right? Where had I gone wrong?
Though I had good intentions, the Lord revealed to me what the problem was: I was looking to people for approval, not Him, and that was draining me. I had forgotten to care for myself along the way and was taking on loads that weren’t mine to carry. It was exhausting.
I don’t think I ever realized how much I had been looking to people for approval until last month when my identity started getting attacked and I was left in a place of hurt and confusion. I felt worthless. I felt invalidated. I didn’t feel understood. And I was being a huge victim. It sucked.
As I was sharing many of these things with my team – wanting to bring them in as well as seeking to be validated and comforted – their response was, “we hear you and are here for you, but you need to take this to the Lord and see what He has to say about it before we say anything.”
Well, my initial internal reaction was frustration. COME ON PEOPLE I JUST NEED SOME AFFRIMATION OR SOMETHING!
I was looking to them to give me truth and to fill me up – I was longing for their approval and attention. Isn’t that so easy to do? Little did I know, their response to me that day was more needed than any other words they could have said. But I still had a choice: I could either sit in that emptiness of not getting their affirmation in that moment and feel sorry for myself, or I could go to the Lord and sit with Him in it. So I took an afternoon to lay it out to God.
I told Him all the lies I had been believing, all the hurt I was feeling, and what I thought about everything (ha!). And what’s funny is that He didn’t immediately comfort me in it like I was expecting. Instead, He showed me that a lot of these things were coming from selfishness and pride in me. Ouch. That wasn’t pretty.
It was difficult for me to realize and to sit with the knowledge of those sins in me. But what is so incredible is I wasn’t stuck with them. I was able to confess them to the Lord and repent of those things, therefore turning from them. Because I didn’t like it. I didn’t like seeing those things in me, they are gross and aren’t like Jesus, and I would rather ignore it, honestly. But then I also realized this is a way the Lord was refining me and making me more like Him. Because if He hadn’t shown me these struggles, if I just ignored them, then I wouldn’t be aware of them and would just be stuck living in them instead of combating them. It would be a bigger space between me and Jesus, and I don’t want that. So I am thankful for Him taking me on this bumpy, difficult road in order to call out those things that aren’t of Him and then purify my faith to be closer to Him. The process isn’t fun, but it is worth it to stick with where God is taking me and to trust Him through it all.
After the Lord revealed those things to me, then He lovingly reminded me of who He is, and who I am in Him. He comforted me in reminding me of my identity in Him – as His beloved daughter, chosen, and worthy. I was so filled and refreshed in knowing that even though I have gross things in me, He still loves me, delights in me, and is never going to give up on me. I knew I couldn’t get that affirmation from any human on this earth. It had to come from my Father, the King of Kings. Because what He has to say is way more powerful and holds so much more weight than what any person could say.
So I’m thankful. I’m thankful for the difficulties. I’m thankful for restoration. I’m thankful for a kind Father who is lovingly, though sometimes painfully, drawing me to Himself. I’m thankful for community who pushes me to Him. And I’m thankful that His approval is the only one I need.
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“In all this you greatly rejoice, though now for a little while you may have had to suffer grief in all kinds of trials. These have come so that the proven genuineness of your faith – of greater worth than gold, which perishes even though refined by fire – may result in praise, glory, and honor when Jesus Christ is revealed.”
-1 Peter 1:6-7
“Am I now trying to win the approval of human beings, or of God? Or am I trying to please people? If I were still trying to please people, I would not be a servant of Christ.”
-Galatians 1:10
to Him be the glory
