Over the years, I have been told numerous times by numerous people that I am an incredibly independent person, and I took pride in that. I loved it. In my head I would be like ‘yeah you better believe I am, I don’t need people to help me, I got it.’ It made me feel strong, capable, and in control. And to be honest, dependence terrified me. I never wanted to feel like I was in a place where I needed to depend on other people or couldn’t do it myself. That was too hard, too scary. So instead, I lived in the illusion of the control I thought I had and the strength I believed I possessed in being so ‘independent.’
But trying to hold on to that independence was exhausting. It wore me down. I’ve known in the back of my mind that I can’t actually do it all, no matter how much I’d like to think I can, that it really isn’t me in control, and that trying to use my own strength will only get me so far. But in my stubbornness, I kept holding onto my belief that I could. I didn’t want to let it go, because letting go meant I was weak, right? Letting go meant that I had to depend on someone else to be in control, didn’t it? After basing a part of my identity on being independent, letting go just didn’t seem like it was for me. Maybe other people needed to let go, but not me. Who was I if wasn’t independent? It just didn’t seem right, so I kept fighting it.
However, through my fighting, I was being broken down little by little – when my plans wouldn’t work out, when I was at the end of my rope and couldn’t go any farther, when I was stuck in loneliness from pushing everyone away… all along the Lord was telling me something. It was something that I really didn’t want to hear, but it was something I needed to hear. It was something that would transform my life for the better, because He is a good Father and He wants what is best for me. I had just turned deaf ears to it for so long that I didn’t realize it.
I don’t know exactly when it started… there have been little moments that have been adding up, but during senior year of college, I remember getting to a place of being so exhausted and worn down with trying to do it all and have it all together, that I finally started breaking down and tuning my ears to some of the things God had been trying to say to me for a long time.
The Lord was telling me to surrender my control – fully, completely, wholly.
The Lord was telling me to depend on Him and trust His plans.
He was telling me to get my strength from Him.
He was telling me that I didn’t need to have it all together, and that in Him I am equipped and capable.
These were all things I knew and had heard before, but I never actually lived it out like I believed them. I had been believing too many other lies that were telling me different. But I was ready for the truth, I needed it. And so the process began. I started to release my grip and let go, finally.
And a process it was. I would surrender a little bit one day, and maybe a little more another day, but still try to keep a tight hold on my control. I would depend on the Lord for some things, but still hold onto my independence for others. I would look to God for strength with things I thought I really needed help with, but be fine with my strength for the little stuff. It ain’t easy.
I really needed to be humbled in order to walk in full obedience, and I am still being humbled day by day as I learn. But through these baby steps, Jesus was showing me how freeing it is to entrust it all to Him, and how much deeper into His love I could go when I surrender all. It is a beautiful thing.
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Beginning August 10, I had 10 days of training camp for the World Race. It was incredible, it was hard, and it was really rejuvenating. I was able to meet my whole squad – we worshipped together, prayed together, sweated together, and began the journey of being unified and living in communitas together. I’m so pumped to have them as family and learn from them.
Also during training camp, my heart was renewed and transformed by the Spirit as I discovered what it meant to live in His presence. I experienced Jesus in a whole new way when His love covered me in the way I need it the most. He removed my fears and showed me what true worship of the heart is.
Because of all of this and more, I was finally able to let go completely. To surrender fully and trust Him. And to live in the true freedom that I have been longing for. He showed me that He wants to be a part of every single aspect of my life – from my job and relationships to where I park and what color I paint my nails. He cares about it all and desires to be in it with me. How incredible?? I love it.
I have been made new, and I never want to go back. It is still hard, I struggle and still mess up. But now, instead of fighting to hold on, I am fighting for Jesus to reign in every part of my life. Because I want to go even deeper. And because I’ve tasted how sweet it is to let it all go, and that is what I want every single day.
Jesus is still telling me:
to surrender my control – fully, completely, wholly,
to depend on Him and trust His plans,
to get my strength from Him,
that I don’t need to have it all together, and that in Him I am equipped and capable.
The difference is that now, instead of just hearing it, I’m believing it. And learning how to live it.
So this is my declaration: that I am not in control. That I am no longer independent, but dependent on Jesus. That I will strive to live each day in complete surrender. And that it is His strength that makes me strong. I want more of Him and less of me.
Feel free to check up on me about it, I need your help in this, because I can’t do it on my own. And please ask me more about training camp! I’d love to grab coffee and tell you about how my heart has been made new.
Thank you for your love and prayers, I cherish them, and you, so much.
Oh, what love. I will never be the same.
