I have long held the theory that I didn’t truly know someone until I fought with them. I don’t have a verse to back that up, but I believe it to be true. I have a lot of friends, but my closest friendships have all suffered at least a fight or two.
Why do I believe this? Because when I am willing to fight with someone, it shows me that I care enough to go there. I care enough to be my complete self. I care enough to say hard things. And I trust that they will fight back. I trust that they will stick around long enough to solve it.
There is a trust that has to be there before I fight with someone. This theory will probably not be true for everyone but because I am not a very confrontational person, I know this to be true about myself.
I fought with Jesus today and I am actually happy about it.
I was mad at Him because earlier this week I was not feeling well. I have dealt with similar sickness in my past and it had always required treatment in the hospital. I asked Him to tell me if I needed to go home to be treated and He told me yes so I got a friend to drive me halfway home and my parents met us there and drove me the rest of the way.
When I got home, I had an appointment with my Neurologist and I made my way to see him. At this point, I was feeling worse and was pretty certain that I would be diagnosed and admitted to the hospital once again.
I got some tests done (painful, not fun at all tests) and it all came back normal. Usually people would rejoice at this, but not me.
I was angry at Jesus. He made me come all the way home for a false alarm? Seriously? I still feel sick, so what’s wrong with me? The doctor said there was nothing he could do unless I got worse, and I’m not getting worse.
I was angry for a few reasons. My pride was hurt. What are people going to think? Did I make a big deal out of nothing? I was frustrated. I could do Insanity (an intense video workout) and play volleyball with no trouble at all a week ago and now walking up the stairs causes my heart to pound and my breathing to speed. And I was confused. Jesus, why did you tell me to go home?
I fought with Jesus about all of this. I still don’t know the answers to my questions, and I don’t think I am done fighting yet but I am happy.
I am happy that I am at a place where I can fight Him. I am happy that instead of hiding my thoughts or doubts, I can come to Him and say “What are you doing?”. I am happy that I can trust that He will stick around. I am happy that I know He can handle it. He isn’t upset that I have questions, He is happy that I am finally being real with Him.
For too long have I hid my emotions from Him in fear that He would be disappointed. For too long have I lied to Him and myself for fear of failure. I realized that when I was doing this, I was slowly backing away from Him. I was trying to hide my guilt and shame and in doing so, I was actually hiding myself from Him.
He isn’t surprised that I mess up and He isn’t surprised that I get upset. He wants to hear it. He wants me to draw close to Him. So I choose to come to Him when I’m angry, I choose to come to Him when I’m messy and unsure. I choose to be real because I trust Him and when I come to Him, I know without a doubt in my mind that He will draw closer to me.
