“Some women flaunt their beauty, because that’s what they want the world to see. Some women hide their beauty, because they want the world to see something else.”
Day one of my journey on the World Race, I felt the Lord tugging a strong word on my heart that we don’t often view in the most positive light, abandonment. When I hear the word abandon, I think of someone leaving, disregarding a person or a thought. I never understood the power of the positive side of abandonment, until I started packing my bags & reading this journal.
During Month One of the Race, I had decided to intentionally abandon something of mine. Month Two was makeup. Month Three was headbands. The pattern of things that the Lord placed on my heart to abandon both had to do with my appearance on the outside. Why did the Lord call me to abandon these simple things in my life? The answer was foggy to me at first. Then as the days went on, it became clear. Makeup and headbands were my comfort.
I’ve been wearing make up since I was 16 and although it was never an excessive thing in my life, it quickly became something I depended on. I would look at myself in the mirror in the morning before I would apply it and tell myself that I looked incomplete. I would sometimes go a day or two without makeup just to let my skin breathe, but when I looked in the mirror I still felt like something was missing. Last spring, I decided to quit wearing my extended twists in my hair. I knew that the Lord wanted me to start wearing my hair naturally and not to depend on it to feel beautiful. So I cut it all off, and to say that I was perfectly happy with that decision would be a lie. I hated my natural, nappy hair. I felt like I looked like a boy and it only encouraged me to wear even more makeup to compensate for my lack of hair beauty and cover up the flaws with jewelry and headbands. I began to wear headbands every single day to feel better about myself, with hopes that people would only pay attention to my headbands and not my nappy hair. The struggle was real.
During training camp, I heard a story about a girl who was out shopping because it was her best friend’s birthday. She was so excited when she found the perfect gift for her friend. She spent hours searching for this gift, she handcrafted all of the details, it was her favorite color and suited her personality perfectly. She just knew that her best friend would love it when she received the gift. Finally on the day of her birthday, she heads over to her friend’s house to give her the present. When her friend opens the present she looks at it for a while in confusion and disgust. She tells her that she doesn’t understand why she chose this gift and comments on everything that’s wrong with it and how she wishes it was a different color or size.
That’s exactly how God feels when we look at ourselves in the mirror and complain about the way He created us.
I knew in that moment that I needed to abandon my need to perfect my face or my hair or my outward appearance in general. So I gave up the two things that I felt I was hiding behind. It hasn’t been an easy journey, there are plenty of days that I still feel incomplete. Days when I want to cave in and just wear a little make up to feel better about myself. But I am choosing not to because although it is hard, I know that God is molding me. He wants me to look at myself in the mirror and be thankful for exactly the way He created me.
“I praise You, because I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Wonderful are your works, my heart knows it well.” Psalm 139:14
He loves me just the way I am and I receive confirmation in that through my daily interactions within my team, the people I meet, and the endless amounts of smiles from strangers on the street. So I’m going to enjoy the last few days of this month with no makeup and no headbands with a thankful heart. There is beauty all around me, I want to spend my days taking in all of the glory that God has made and just be me.
Love, B.
