Romance On The Race

This month I’ve been asking the Lord to “romance” me, which one, is a very weird question for me to ask God in the first place. To think of the Lord as my “Lover” instead of my Father or King is more than mildly uncomfortable. It’s just something that I have never really thought of Him as and that has never really been brought up to me before back home in the States.
God as my lover? Isn’t that sacra religious or something? 

But someone spoke over me a couple weeks ago saying that the Lord is everything, “ When you needed Him to be just your Father, that is exactly what He showed to you that He is and when you need a lover or a king, He is going to show you that He is those to you as well”. So with some hesitancy, I said “alright God, I need a lover…?”

Let me back up and explain that my view on men in general is biased and flawed. I grew up with much prejudice against them and that is something God has been shifting my heart and changing in me for the past couple of years and where my heart is now on that subject is completely different than my heart was even one year ago. But, in my definition of “romance” contains a lot of pain and scars so, to ask for God to “romance” me is a little scary.  

After some prayer for a couple of days to try and even begin this process, I cracked open the bible to Song of Solomon. This book I have stayed away from and to be even more honest, I haven’t even read all the way through. I was told this book was for when you got married, and I just stuck to that. To say that I was nervous about reading this is an understatement. I felt like these were words my unmarried eyes should not be reading! This morning was my first morning and I only read the first 4 versus in chapter 1 and I stopped.

God already started to sweep me off my feet.

It was amazing! It was beautiful! It was real… and I’m still barely even scratching the surface of what He is going to show me this month if I keep diving deeper.
 
But then, this afternoon hit. It felt like all the pains and scars that I have kept hanging onto, hit me at the same time. Everything that I had thought I had moved past came back. The anger I felt in those times, I was feeling again. The lies that I have tried so hard to forget, came flooding back and all I wanted to do was watch some sappy chick flick or listen to some lame breakup music and eat ice cream.  Knowing that my netbook can’t handle showing me anything more than a YouTube video threw out the sappy movie watching, I looked through my IPod and I actually don’t have any lame breakup music, and ice cream is a 2 ½ hour car ride dream. So, instead I talked to my Father.

And He showed me that He is doing exactly what I have been asking Him to do, but for this to work and for this to stick; for me to fully dump the extra carryon luggage I’ve been struggling to take with me everywhere, I need to be fully healed. Not just partially, not just so I can get by, put a smile on my face and be able to listen to a love song again but to walk fully in what the Lord has for me. He doesn’t want a partial heart, He wants a full one.

I asked to be romanced and in order for that to happen, I need a new definition.

I’m writing this without having a conclusion. I am in no way healed from my past pains and scars yet. I don’t even have a solid definition of what it’s like to be truly loved and pursued; romanced. But like life, it’s a process. I just know that this time, I’m not going to shy away from having the Lord dig deep.

So, I’m just waiting to be swept off my feet but I first have to let go of the entire luggage set I’m holding onto.