At first when God told me to share the story of my broken heart I was like no way am I making that public. That’s TOO vulnerable. But as I thought about it and prayed about it some more I realized that there is so much that I have learned and I feel I need to share it with others. Additionally, this is a big part of my story and my growth here on the World Race.
I have had a few romantic relationships so far in my life but never have I had my heart truly broken…until now.
Heartbreak feels like death. It feels like something or someone has died. It feels like your whole reality has been split apart. It’s similar to when you think something is true and then realize it’s no longer true. When something constant because non- existent. It feels like ripping a beautiful flower out of the ground. A promise broken. A betrayal. For me it has been all of that and more. It’s been a hurricane of confusion with a lot of never ending questions. This has all manifested into anger, and has left me tired and weak.
I am the kind of person to always seek understanding. I don’t give up easily. I am a fighter. I persevere. I think these qualities of mine have contributed to me being a good student and a good athlete. And for that I am thankful for them. However, in this situation, I can’t use these wonderful qualities I have to benefit me this time around. I feel helpless. That for me, I think, is the hardest part. I can’t fix this pain that I have. I just have to sit with it and let it happen. I am a person who loves control and so this situation that is so out of control is something that makes me so uncomfortable. I feel sick. A pit in my stomach. All I can do is accept defeat. I feel like such a failure.
After sitting with these feelings for a few days I refused to accept defeat. I didn’t want to be a failure. I didn’t want to be sad. I didn’t want this pit in my stomach. I didn’t want to feel out of control anymore. With that, I started praying to God asking him to remove all of the above. Instead of getting what I wanted he gave me what I needed instead… a new understanding…a new perspective, and a new hope.
That’s the cool thing about Jesus, when we seek him wholeheartedly he WILL provide. He hears us and gives us exactly what we need even if we don’t understand why or what he is giving us in the moment. Instead of feeling confused and hopeless, he has given me an opportunity to trust him. Trust him that he has set aside something great for me. Even though I might not see it right now, I can trust that he is in control and will take care of me.
Through my heart break, God is teaching me that I need to rely on him first before I rely on any human being. People will always leave, die or make choices that will hurt you. Not on purpose but because of our human condition—we don’t live forever, and we aren’t perfect. That is just the hard truth. This may sound blunt, but I am learning that God is truly the only one that won’t let us down or forsake us. If we continue putting other people first we will over time become let down. We will never be fully satisfied.
As I put God first and spend more time with him, he will be the one filling my cup and I won’t have to rely on others to fill my cup. We can’t expect others to fill our cup completely. It’s an unrealistic expectation. It puts a burden on them that they were never created to bare. That leads to burn out. So I’ve learned.
I am still hurting. And that’s okay. I am learning to be more gentle with myself and my broken heart. I am giving all the broken pieces to Jesus and as I pick up each peace and hand it to him he gives me in return, understanding, peace, perspective, and a thankful attitude.
Thank you Jesus from turning my ash into something beautiful. I trust that my story isn’t over yet just this chapter of my life. I can’t wait to see what you have planned for the chapters to come.
I want to encourage you. If you’re going through a tragedy, no matter how big or small, and you’re grieving, allow yourself to feel your feelings and go through the grieving process. I also encourage you to ask yourself what is God trying to teach you through this. If you draw near to him, he will comfort you and refine you if you let him. Most likely he wants to take you through the process of mourning so he can grow closer to you and teach you to depend on him more. Yes oh how I know it’s hard but It’s such a beautiful thing. Trust me.
“God blesses those who mourn, for they will be comforted.” – Matthew 5:4 NLT
Please continue to pray for me. Thank you.
Becca
