We’ve reached the final day in Cambodia and it’s going to be a rough day. I have loved so much here and in such a different way than ever before. I wish I didn’t have to leave. These people here, the kids, the staff, make it so hard to say goodbye, especially knowing I might never see them again. The Lord has been so good in this time though and honestly, the only sure thing in my life is that I have him. For that I am so grateful. He’s been teaching me over this whole month about the freedom I am called to live in that he gave me as a free gift and then this past week he brought in the idea of surrender and how that works with freedom so I’ll explain it in more detail in this blog.
Freedom is being unbound, not held down, not captive. The reason this was so prominent is because when I first came on this trip, I was living held down, constantly aware of what other people thought of me and how I needed to shape that image of me to who I wanted to be seen as, rather than just being who I authentically am. It was so overwhelming to meet a group of 13 new girls and my brain worked overtime to figure out who I needed to be in each of their eyes, plus I had the stress of travel and adjusting to a new culture and living situation. I look back now and I’m dumbfounded. Why the heck did I spend all my time focused on who I was supposed to be rather than who I am? I know myself and I wasn’t being me because I was so worried I wouldn’t be enough for these new people or that I would be too much. The Lord took this opportunity to show me the chains I was living with, even back home. He made it so clear in the first couple weeks and it was hard. Some days it was difficult to be around people at all because of the pressure I felt from myself to be someone else, someone better, but that gave me time to really pursue and search out God and what he wanted for me. He brought up passages of Scripture explaining who I was called to be and how I was created to love him, not earn love from fellow humans. There were such incredulous moments of clarity where I’d be praying and truly understand who I was meant to be and I’d feel free. It felt for a moment like I’d thrown off my chains in pursuit of the Lord and I had the freedom I’d been searching for. I tried to hold on to those moments but always seemed to fall back under the weight I put on myself, which brings us to the point of surrender.
To have complete freedom, you have to surrender. Complete freedom can only be found in Christ, so you must surrender to him. Surrender what? Everything.
Total surrender is an idea that I’ve been thinking about this whole week. I asked a few of my squad mates for what it means to them and so I’ll put that in here:
Kenley- Total surrender isn’t possible as humans, our fleshly desires will always get in the way but if it’s imperfect surrender, it’s striving for daily devotion to Christ.
Madison- Surrender is giving up what you know, what you hold as true and replacing it with the unknown, but definite, truth of God.
Callie- Total surrender is daily dying to yourself and your desires.
Bri- It’s surrendering what you love and value most and giving it all to God.
Jalyn- Surrender is using your gift or skills, but rather than using them for your own glory, dedicating them to God’s glory.
Here is Paul’s definition in 1 Corinthians 9:19?, ?22?-?23-
Even though I am a free man with no master, I have become a slave to all people to bring many to Christ. When I am with those who are weak, I share their weakness, for I want to bring the weak to Christ. Yes, I try to find common ground with everyone, doing everything I can to save some. I do everything to spread the Good News and share in its blessings.
True freedom, found in Christ, gives us the ability to show love and grace unlike ever before to further reach out past the walls and lies people have built up. There have been so many moments this week where God has asked me, “Is this what surrender looks like?” and I realize it’s not. Maybe I’ll choose something easy and fun over something the Holy Spirit wants me to do or maybe I ignore some trash on the ground instead of working “willingly whatever you do, as though you were working for the Lord rather than people.” (Colossians 3:23) He takes the smaller moments to point out my mistakes so it’s easier to see with the bigger ones. A few of the responses I got from squad mates about surrender included that it is a daily act and I completely agree. It’s not something that happens once and never again, it’s a continual process to surrender to the Lord and it’s not easy. But surrendering doesn’t just mean going the extra mile, surrendering means giving up the easy way out for God’s way forward. This involves giving up our sins too. The desires that are against God’s will are pointless for doing good and effective for doing evil so the only thing to do with them is give them up. When you give them up, they have no control over you anymore, you have freedom from them. I’ve been working specifically this week on surrendering to God in everything and I have messed up so many times already, but that’s why he provides grace. Even when I mess up, he picks me up, dusts me off, and let’s me try again because he loves me just that much. Literally God’s got everything covered, I don’t know why we search for anything else in life.
I am going to miss this place so much. It feels like home now. This country does. These people are so precious to me and I have given so much of my heart away this month and a half. It’s so hard to say goodbye knowing this goodbye could be forever. Travel days are about to be crazy but I’ll be in Thailand in 3 days, starting a new ministry and loving new people. I’m so grateful for my squad and how well they all love people, I’m excited for the next stage of our trip together and learning their hearts. Constantly be praying for me, I appreciate it so much. Thanks for reading!
