THE FOLLOWING IS READ IN A HURRIED AND STRESSFUL VOICE
A day in the life:
5 am-Wake up three hours before alarm because I need those three extra hours to lay in bed and stress about how everyone is going to forget me here in the states. With just a dash of self pity
8 am-COFFEE, oh keurig how I’m going to miss you…oh but how fun it will be to try other culture’s coffee. *try* to read the bible and my devotional…..but quickly distracted by the 49 person group chat talking about the office, weird dreams, and side effects of the yellow fever vaccine(“WHAT. These squad mates have not even had their vaccinations yet!? *begin to stress for them*”)
9 am-Take everything out of both your packs, stare at it, feel the anxiety rise, “what do i leave?” *takes out two pairs of socks* “I WILL NEVER BE ABLE TO DO THIS. HOW DO THEY EXPECT ME TO DO THIS”
*****some sort of fundraising shenanigans, phone calls, driving, texts from 10 people asking me when I’m leaving again “I’ve told you 6 times KAREN!!”*****
12 pm-Just got an email from Adventures in Missions….“I NEED WHAT” *heads to the store to get said item(s)* “If they send me one more email…..”
3 pm-No work today, “YAY, I get to hang out with one of my favorites tonight. It’s gonna be chill and I’m not going to stress, just enjoy the night.”
6 pm-Shows up. Stressed. I say to him, “I’m fine, I’m fine…it’s fine, everything is fine.” I’m not fine. “I might not have contact with home for the first 6 weeks…I can’t possibly take less than 4 dresses…what if I don’t make an impact on anyone…what was I actually thinking when I applied for this 10 months ago…WHO AM I…OMG I DON’T KNOW…yes i do, yes i do….I GOT THIS…my last two fundraisers are gonna flop, i don’t know where the rest of the money is going to come from, how will I possibly be able to adapt quickly enough in each country and then once I do I have to up and leave….HEC NO. Why didn’t they just have us launch right after training camp….this month in between is cruel and unusual. HOW RUDE.”
BREATHE. THE FOLLOWING IS READ MORE RELAXED
“Where’s God at?“ He’s said this to me more than once in my whirlwind moments(you know who you are). I normally think to myself, slightly annoyed: “uhhh I KNOW where God is. DUH. He’s everywhere, He’s God. HELLO.” But this time, I thought, “SHOOT. Where IS God at.”
Where’s God at in all of this? Have I even paid attention? At times sure, some times better than others…but recently I’ve been too consumed with everything going into leaving, what I’m leaving behind, sitting in my stress, and feeding the anxiety. I’m forgetting my why, I’m forgetting all I have been called to, all the people waiting on the other side of my obedience, all the work and growth God is going to do in my own heart and life, how He is going to use this to shape me, mold me and change me for the rest of my life. I’m forgetting that it’s not about me, it’s about the Kingdom. It’s about those PEOPLE, it’s about putting ourselves aside and reaching out and loving like Jesus did, no one is left behind, every single soul matters.
Where’s God at? He’s here, constantly at my side ready for me to allow Him to be 100% in control, always waiting for me to stop trying to control things that I simply was never created to even worry about, He’s here leading and calling me out on to that water. He’s bringing in the support for me to be fully funded(it’s His money anyway). He’s preparing the hearts of everyone I will encounter over these 11 months. And He is continuously working on this jar of clay.
I found my life when I laid it down. Matthew 16|25
