During my squad’s debrief time in Siem Reap, Cambodia we were a part of a conference/activation called Awakening through Adventures in Missions. Awakening has been one of the most crucial parts of the race for me personally and just in my overall apprenticeship with Jesus. *I had just finished reading Redeeming Love [if you have not read this yet, GO NOW and read it]*
The first four months of the race were a struggle. It wasn’t what I thought it would be. It’s been more difficult than I ever could have imagined even within all the beautiful moments of connecting with those who we are working with within ministry and seeing His amazing and spectacular creation up close. As I’ve stated before-it hasn’t been the living conditions, insane and exhausting travel days, or learning to live with so much less(to my surprise as much as yours, haha), I don’t really mind any of that stuff, in fact, I think it’s pretty cool most of the time. It’s been all the relationship dynamics that come with community living, how to make it work, craving one on one discipleship and mentorship, and also wondering why I hadn’t done any “cool, radical-whatever Jesus asks me to do” stuff, after FOUR months. It got to the point that I had bought into the lie that this World Race journey was something I had to struggle through. Which turned everything from community, relationships, ministry, trying to grow with God, missing home, searching out my future, and even those I connected with over the last four months into a struggle and a fight “just to make it”. A struggle to be in relationships, a struggle to be in community, a struggle to be all God calls me to be, a struggle to stay connected or not stay connected to life back home. “I just have to get through this. It’s just not what I thought it would be”
First night of Awakening we were worshipping, and I was singing all the songs about giving God everything, everything is His, I want more of Him etc. In such a gentle way I heard God speak to me in that moment, “Have you really given me everything?”. My initial response: “Well CLEARLY. I’m here aren’t I? I could be home. I’m struggling through this FOR YOU.” Immediately He responded with a very specific thing I have been holding onto for comfort and asked me to give that up. I was humbled. All I could say was “Okay God.” Moments throughout my world race journey flashed through my mind as I compared everything I had said and done the past four months to the beautiful picture of how God loves which was so perfectly portrayed in the book I had just finished reading [Redeeming Love]. It all hit me like a freight train of emotion and I just broke. “God…I don’t love like you. I don’t put others above myself, especially when it comes to this community you’ve entrusted to me. I don’t ask you what I should do in each situation, and then follow through with what You’d have me do. I’m sorry. I’m ready. From this point on, whatever you tell me, I’m going to do. Help me to put others above myself and love like YOU, see everyone around me like YOU.” This was a dangerous prayer, and I realized I need to be praying more dangerous prayers on a regular basis. When you pray something like this, watch out, God will immediately challenge you on it.
Then began a series of out of my comfort zone events: first He asked me to ask my servers name at lunch, make eye contact, ask him how he was, just make him feel known ya know-easy? well, just not something I think about normally, but I want to and so I did, then He asked me to give money to a man who had lost his arms in the Khmer Rouge and hear a bit of his story, next He asked me to step forward for prayer to commit my life to the Kingdom-no matter what I do it’s with the Kingdom in mind, then He asked me to pray over two different people on my squad during worship(I was like okay, cool. as I was walking toward each person I had no idea what I was going to say, but God gave me the words as soon as I closed my eyes and held their hands, then He called me to initiate difficult conversations with several people where hurt had entered the relationship and reconciliation was needed, He then called me to pray at the end of the Awakening in front of about 150 people(ya’ll NOT my thing haha). Then as a squad for our last night in Siem Reap we all went into downtown. Pub street is the “party” street where there are a lot of bars, massage parlours, women selling their bodies, and so much darkness, depravity, and brokenness. We went to the centre of Pub street and began worshipping. It definitely drew a crowd and so many people were taking photos and video, posting it on social media, asking questions, and asking what the name of the song’s were and saying that they sounded “full of love”.
During the worship God told me to go walk around to the other side of the circle, and I was like I don’t see anyone over there? But okay. So I walked myself over there and almost immediately a lady walked up beside me and seemed so intrigued with what was happening around her. I asked her name and if she knew the song. She said she hadn’t heard the song but it made her feel good. It started this beautiful conversation of sharing with her about my journey and why we were here. She said she was traveling over the last 8 weeks(from Germany)and had been interested in God from time to time but never made that connection. That she had hoped this trip would be a journey to find that. She said she was trying to leave that morning to continue her travels but there was no bus and she didn’t know why until now. So we were able to meet and connect. I asked her if I could pray over her and she said yes. I prayed over her and Jesus helped me weave the gospel into my prayer. She cried and hugged me. I left her with the promise that all she has to do is call out His name, and He will be there.
God wrecked me in Siem Reap. “You want the community you so crave? Love them like Jesus. Be Jesus. You want discipleship where it doesn’t seem to be found? Do what you CAN here and now and make it the culture of your team. Be intentional with them. Each of them. You want a lifelong mentor? Pray for that now, so God can be preparing them and this relationship for you. You want to do “cool, radical-whatever jesus asks you to do” things? Do it. Listen and do it. This was never supposed to be something to struggle through on your own. This is where you lean solely on Jesus and follow as He directs, step by step. Yes, it still might be hard at times and there still might be struggles, but this isn’t something to “just get through” this is something to LIVE through and LOVE through. No, it’s not what you thought it would be, but it’s exactly what I have for you right now even when you can’t see it. And if you allow it, it’ll be more than you ever could have imagined. I ALWAYS have what’s best for you in mind. Remember that. Now go chase fiercely after all of it and everyone and shake things up.”
