It’s been a crazy journey in preparation for the World Race these past 7 months. God has shown Himself to me in ways I didn’t even know were possible. In order to be the best I could be for these people I will meet over the next year, God pressed into my heart the need to forgive, not just others, but myself for past heartbreaks, unfavorable decisions, and mistakes. I have dug more deeply into my own heart, my own past, my own little cave of disappointment, pain, and hurt…things I had never allowed myself to truly think about or process. It hurt like hell, and was not something I felt ready for, but I did it. God and I wrestled through all the feelings and struggles, and questions. To have a God I can be real with, who loves me in the mess and imperfections, who just wants me to communicate to Him EVEN IF all I have to say is doubt and anger…that is a God of unconditional love, that is the God I know.
As I sit here currently in the middle of another little mess. I am reminded of ALL my Jesus has done for me, what He has done through me, where He brought me out of. Even with shaking hands, a tear-stained face, and an aching heart I can’t help but still utter how much I love Him, how much I need Him(though admittedly a little more quietly), and how I know He is holding my heart and knows all the ins and outs of EVERYTHING I am going through and experiencing. HE HAS GONE BEFORE ME.
After days of back and forth, confusion, and wanting to just “fix” everything. I FINALLY got my soul to quiet down. In that moment, on three hours of sleep, four cupcakes, and one cup of Starbucks, sitting in plaid pj pants, eyes red and swollen from crying, and hair a half up half down mess…I asked Jesus to invade my space…
And this is what I heard, “How long will you keep trying to do it on your own? We’ve been here before, remember? You’re no longer alone in this. You will never be alone again. You feel like you don’t know what to do, what to say, or how to respond…I know. You feel like you have to fix this or manipulate the situation to make everybody happy….you don’t. Daughter, you don’t have to do anything but what I created you to do. I created you to LOVE, to speak truth, to give grace, and to ALWAYS always always be that person who stands firm even when others waiver. You already know what to do. No, you don’t know the outcome, but leave that up to Me. Trust me now, take my hand, and be who I created YOU to be.”
