Are you scared? Are you excited? Are you nervous?
I get asked the above questions on a daily basis at this point in my journey to the World Race(18 days away WHAT).
Here’s my answer: I’m NOT AFRAID to go. I’m not scared or worried about sleeping in unfamiliar places, living in 11 different cultures, leaving the safety I feel here in the states. I’m not scared of being out of my comfort zone every second of every day for the next 11 months. I’m not afraid of living in crazy close community with the same people I’ve just begun to know(we will live, eat, sleep, work, do ministry, and hangout TOGETHER). Im not afraid for how God will move or what He will teach me. I’m not even afraid of the possibility of being asked to preach when I feel so unqualified to do such a thing. God’s words are far better than my own, and I trust Him fully to only allow me to speak HIS words.
I’m EXCITED for God to challenge my skepticism concerning His greatness-to show me He really does still heal, He really can do supernatural crazy insane miracles that just prove how big, mighty, awesome, and good He is.
I’m EXCITED + NERVOUS to go out and just love on people, build relationships, and possibly be the only person to someone out there who has ever taken the time to see them, listen to them, hear their story, and love them like Jesus does.
I’M NOT AFRAID TO GO, I’M AFRAID TO LEAVE.
I’m afraid to leave THIS place. I’m afraid to leave these people, my family, my community. I’m afraid to leave relationships I’ve built over years, and especially the more fragile ones that I just began to build. I’m afraid to be forgotten, afraid of what I’ll come back to. Afraid that everyone I love will go a year without me and realize they are just fine. Afraid to postpone the options of schooling, careers, relationships…Life will go on here in the states over the next 11 months…and I honestly wish I could stop it. I want to control everything here, while I’m over there. I’ve been reaching out all over the place *trying* to figure out how to do just that. It’s been crippling and heart breaking, causing anxiety, and stress(none of which is from my good, good, God).
Just like a good Papa does though, He listened to my fears. He has held me through the long nights of insecurity, fear, and crippling anxiety. His words have been kind, reaffirming, and gentle. He has been so patient and loving and just allowed me to feel all the things. After awhile though, He knew it was time I had to give it over and be free of the fear and worry. He kept me up all night tossing and turning and let me know it was time to stand up, shake it off, trust, say SHUT IT DOWN to the fears and anxiety, and tell the devil bye felicia.
I don’t wanna hear anymore, teach me to listen
I don’t wanna see anymore, give me a vision
That you could move this heart, to be set apart
I don’t need to recognize, the woman in the mirror
And I don’t wanna trade Your plan, for something familiar
–Micah Tyler
Time to be confident in what God has placed on me and to live out Philippians 2|12-16(NIBV aka the new international becca version 😉
Keep it up. Better yet, redouble your efforts. Be energetic in your life of salvation, reverent and sensitive before God. That energy is God’s energy, an energy deep within you, God himself willing and working in YOUR life, what will give him the most pleasure. Do everything readily and cheerfully—no bickering, no second-guessing allowed! Go out into the world uncorrupted, a breath of fresh air and RADIATE in this warped and crooked generation. Then you will shine like stars in the sky as you hold firmly to the word of life. You’ll be the living proof.
