A few weeks ago I decided to write a second support/update letter. One of these letters was sent to my sweet friend Hannah who I met at UW Oshkosh.
When I returned home a few weeks ago, I was surprised to see a package from Hannah. Since graduating in May, Hannah and I have been sending letters in the mail, but it was unusual for her to send an entire package. When I opened it, I was even more surprised that she had filled it with little pieces of encouragement including our picture framed, chocolate, cookies, a Harry Potter mug, and a bookmark with a quote from Robert Frost. Not only did she fill the package with thoughtful gifts, but she also wrote me a sweet letter and a check for $200.
As I was reading her letter, I was suddenly overcome with the feeling that I didn’t deserve this encouragement or the financial support Hannah was giving. People who know me well understand that I rarely cry (although this season of preparation has seen more tears than most), but I could not make it through Hannah’s letter before I started sobbing.
I started to pray over this feeling of shame. I think people have this vision of a missionary as someone who’s constantly in a good place with Jesus and never makes the “big mistakes” that everybody else does. However, if people looked into my life or my past decisions, they would clearly see a fallen person. As I reflected on this, I felt like God was acknowledging the fact that solely based on my past, I don’t deserve a cent of the money. However, that is what is so immensely beautiful about His grace. Jesus’s grace gives a world full of undeserving and fallen people the chance to not only have salvation, but a chance to be in a loving relationship with Him where they can serve in His name. Because of beautiful grace, I have the freedom to spread the gospel throughout the world apart from feelings of guilt. He gives me freedom.
As I prepare for January, I am continually awed and grateful for the ways people like Hannah support me through finances and prayers. I am glad to be in a place where I can celebrate the gifts of encouragement and support apart from feelings of shame.
Romans 8:1 Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus
