Something I have recently recognized that I have struggled with is trust. Trusting others to help me, trusting myself twhen I am making the decisions, and trusting God that I will be taken care of. I used to think I really did trust people, but then I learned I trusted people as long as I had control over what I was trusting them with. I am good at trusting that other people will be taken care of. I know God is going to do great things for the people I meet on the race and they will be filled by the love he has for them. But there are times when I have trouble thinking the same thing for me.
My lack of trust became apparent to me during this past month. I was thinking about preparing for the trip and I started wondering where I could get toothpaste if I ran out. Now I am not really particular about what toothpaste I use, but I do enjoy having clean teeth. I started to worry about where I could find toothpaste to the point where I was almost in a legitimate tizzy. After a minute I realized how ridiculous I was being. I had faith in God to heal, create, bless, comfort, and strengthen the world, but I didn't trust that he would help me with some toothpaste. How ridiculous is that?
Part of the race for me is learning how to trust in God alone. So many things have to occur for me to go on the race that I have no control over. The main one that comes to mind is raising the money I need. I don't have the money to pay for it all by myself and, in order to go, I have to put faith in God that he will provide. A lot of trusting God means I will not be able to understand how things happen. I will have to give everything fully to God.
"Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight." Proverbs 3:5-6
My initial thought on not being able to lean on my own understanding is I won't have as much control as I am used to. That would have bothered me a year ago, and there are moments still when it does, but the greater feeling I have is a feeling of relief. I don't have to worry. God WILL provide for me. He has up to this point and he will continue to.
The other blessing in all of this is I think God understands how hard it is for us to trust him sometimes. He knows our fears, weaknesses, and desires and he knows that it is hard for us to give up control to him because it leaves us vulnerable, which means we are out of our comfort zone. It can be uncomfortable to be exposed that way; to jump while not being able to see who is going to catch you. But nothing feels better than being caught.
