“The Lord is saying you need to empty your hands” is what my squadmate said as she prayed over me at launch. I looked down at my empty hands and said “what am I holding on to?” Another squamate of mine hugged me and said “God just gave me a vision of you.” He gave her a picture of me in a tower. A tower that I used as protection and refuge. A tower I used to protect myself. A tower that blocked me from a deeper intimacy with him. But what was it? What is this barrier that I have felt, ignored, and now other people speak of?
I went through the whole month of India unsure of what it was. Until the last night in India during worship when God had revealed what my heart was really worshipping. Its ironic because he spoke to me through songs of worship. Unveiling the ugly truth of idolatry in my life.
My FAMILY.
Can one really worship their family?
VERB: WORSHIP
Love unquestionably and uncritically or to excess; Venerate as an idol
These are the words I heard as one of my Indian brothers sang songs that simply came to his heart:
“I live for You alone”
“TOWER of refuge and strength”
“We don’t want blessings we want You”
“Im coming to the heart of worship where its ALL about You”
“I give You my heart, I give You my soul, I live for You alone”
As I sang the words to these songs God began to gently show me how I have been putting my family before him. When I heard about The World Race my first thought was “thats too long to be away from my family”. How can a missionary be effective with that thought? My thoughts should have been filled with prayers of asking my Father if that was what he had planned for me. He had to show me by making my heart beat out of my chest every time I thought about it, every blog I read, and every video I watched. I was drawn to this trip because I truly do have a heart to serve my Father and his people but I have this fear of missing birthdays, holidays, my nieces first words and first steps, deaths, births, and weddings. God has been calling me to be a missionary since the day I gave my heart back to him. When I said the words “I am done living life selfishly and for myself. I want to give back to you the years I wasted by serving your people and expanding your Kingdom.” Immediately God gave me a vision of being a missionary abroad. Far away from my comfort zone. What I didnt realize when I said “YES” was that my precious family was inside my “comfort zone”. Leaving them was THE hardest thing I have ever done. I honestly broke down several times last month from the inability to hug my mom and dad whenever I wanted. To kiss my niece and hold her tiny hands as she takes baby steps into toddlerhood. To answer my sisters 5 random daily phone calls. To cuddle my sweet dog. To be surrounded by my familiar community of sweet friends and cousins anytime I wanted.
Could this deep love for the gifts God gave me be idolatry? ABSOLUTELY! This realization was a punch to the heart. I cried. And cried. And cried. God has been calling me to be a full time missionary somewhere but I have been gripping too tightly to the amazing family he has blessed me with. This season is preparation for the permanent calling he has on my life. This 11 month trip isn’t the only adventure he is calling me to walk. This trip was placed on my heart for the purpose of getting me away from my idols and face to face with my Creator to see and know what it truly means to “die to self”. When he created me, he created me to be unsettled in the mundane. I have never been content in a job, a relationship, and I certainly don’t ever see myself making the longterm commitment of buying a house somewhere.
It is a blessing within itself to miss my sweet blessings this much, however, for them to be my focus and my hearts cry when I am surrounded by such heartbreaking poverty, thousands of people who don’t know Jesus and worship hundreds of false gods, children on the street asking for food so they could sell it to buy glue to huff, devastation from the earthquakes, and women being paid for sex is quite sinful.
Matthew 10:37-39 “Whoever loves father or mother more than me is not worthy of me, and whoever loves son or daughter more than me is not worthy of me. And whoever does not take his cross and follow me is not worthy of me. Whoever finds his life will lose it, and whoever loses his life for my sake will find it.”
“Seek him and only him, not even his gifts.”
Father, forgive me for placing your gifts before you. I give you my heart, I give you my soul, I live for you alone. Help me take captive every thought to align my thoughts with yours, my heart with yours, my spirit with yours. I will follow wherever you lead, even if that means I part with my family, my comfort. Be my tower of refuge. Be the safe place that I search for in my family. Give me your eyes to see the people you want me to love on. Be my hands so I can touch them with your love. Be my feet. You are the air that I breathe. You are the beat of my heart. The reason I live. The reason I love. Prepare my heart and the hearts of my family for the plans you have for me, for US. THANK YOU for your patience, for your goodness, your faithfulness, and your UNCONDITIONAL love. A love that does not require works but faith. Faith that you are, have been, and always will be.
<3 <3 <3
