WARNING: This blog will be lengthy. This blog will be graphic. This blog contains 13 months of the parts of my heart and journey I refused to share with all of you along the way. Reader’s discretion is advised 😉
The excitement I had in my heart to step out into the unknown and trust the Lord in new ways was uncontrollable. It was my first time out of the country and my first mission trip.
I. Could. Not. Wait. To go on the World Race.
The moment I laid my eyes on the country of India my heart broke over the poverty but was instantly healed with overflowing love for the people and culture. It gave me even more excitement to see more of the world, more of his people, and more of his creation.
Two weeks into my 11 month journey I became sick. I know what you are thinking.. “Two weeks in India, some sickness is to be expected.” However, this was different. I wasnt sick because of something I ate, or the very common traveller’s diarrhea. This was different because, I NEVER got better.
My symptoms were so different than everyone else who got sick. I was extremely fatigued, I had no appetite, I lost weight, I had fever, and I couldn’t go to the bathroom (YES, I was constipated in INDIA!) and when I did try to go all I saw was blood. A LOT of blood. Immediately I humbly asked people to pray for me, I went to a sketchy hospital where I was examined for hemorrhoids and then I was advised to get a colonoscopy ASAP. I made an appointment for the procedure but unfortunately I was talked out of that procedure by some skeptical american missionaries there.
So, I tried my best to ignore the symptoms and went on to country #2, Nepal.
A couple weeks into Nepal I asked my entire squad to pray for me (while of course sparing them all the graphic details of my symptoms.) They prayed and I stopped bleeding. Hallelujah! I was healed.
So, I thought.
I said hello and goodbye to a few more countries before the symptoms returned with vengeance. This time, MUCH worse than before. I could hardly keep my eyes open I was so tired. I now had the worst pain in my lower left abdomen, I was bloated all the days, and I literally had to run to the toilet to let cups of blood out multiple times a day. I struggled with depression, anxiety, doubt, fear, and the worst one, comparison. I compared my experience on the race with everyone else’s. Everyone seemed happy, healthy, energetic, and hearing so many awesome things from the Lord. Most days I was able to make myself get up and experience the beauty and culture that the country of the month had to offer me. I was still able to create so many life-long and heart-changing memories that helped me write the blogs that I did but deep deep down I was suffering. Suffering in ways that no one around me could understand. I thought that maybe my squad viewed me as just lazy, or a faker. I “looked” normal and healthy on the outside but inside, I felt like I was dying.
Fast forward several months, countries, hospitals, and doctors. I am now in the Dominican Republic month 9 of 11. I saw a doctor there that said what all the other doctors had said, “parasites.” I was given medicine that I swear could have killed a horse. If it were parasites, that would have definitely done the trick but instead it made me worse than before. By that point I was angry. I was angry at all the doctors that misdiagnosed me with hemorrhoids and parasites. I was angry at God for not coming through for me and healing me during one of the thousand prayers that people prayed for me and the many nights I spent on my knees in pain crying out for his healing hand.
I couldn’t understand why he would provide $16,000 if I was going to be in pain and turmoil through the entirety of my trip. Of course, I also questioned my faith.. “maybe its your lack of faith that is the reason behind the Lord’s silence!” So, in frustration I would ask people to stop praying for healing and to just pray for peace. I rrrreally wanted to live out James 1:1 and “consider all trials and suffering pure joy.” but the unanswered prayers were increasing the doubt in my heart and the faith I thought was so strong was being overcome by it. Outwardly I appeared strong and spoke of faith and perseverance but inwardly I was questioning everything.
His love for me.
His goodness.
His mercy.
His existence. (heartbroken)
The next month in Haiti I saw the fifth doctor in the third continent and he said the one thing that no other doctor had said before, “this is not parasites, this is not hemorrhoids, this is something far more serious that needs to be addressed NOW and safely in your home country, GO HOME!”
I hesitated, stubbornly. “I made it 10 months! Why give up now and miss out on Jamaica?!” Fortunately, I didnt listen to myself, took the doctors advice, and went home for a correct diagnosis. Once I got home I immediately sought care. I saw a doctor who suggested a colonoscopy which had to be cancelled because the insurance company AIM goes through refused to pay for it because I was now on American soil, though they would have covered it in HAITI. Ugh. I also see a holistic doctor here that said without a doubt it was parasites and if I get rid of them I will feel better. So, I continued on with my life and future plans. I got accepted to go to Swaziland, Africa to be a special and unique part of the team there. I was to leave on September 7th with or without complete healing and recovery of my body. I just wanted to pretend none of it was happening so my dream of being a full time missionary in Africa could be fulfilled. That was dumb. Without my health I could not effectively do the job that was offered and I would essentially be a thorn in the side of that organization.
I followed the prompting of the Holy Spirit and sought a second opinion. This time when it was suggested I get a colonoscopy I agreed and had the procedure done without the help of medical insurance.
After an agonizing 13 months, I FINALLY HAVE A DIAGNOSIS.
The doctor said I have an incurable inflammatory bowel disease. Until he can do further testing he will not know for sure if it is Crohn’s disease or Ulcerative Colitis but both of them fall into the same category and are treated the same. I am currently taking a medicine that will PRAYERFULLY get me into remission and PRAYERFULLY stay in remission for a long period of time so I can live a “normal” life of a 27 year old woman.
I do not know what the Lord’s plans are for my life. I also, do not know if complete healing will come in this life. HOWEVER, I do know that the Lord loves me. I do know that the ultimate healing of my body will come when I see Jesus face to face and that everything in this life (even suffering) will bring glory to Him.
Right here at home in recovery is where he wants me in this season. I have cancelled the arrangements that were made to get me to Africa and am waiting patiently to see what is next. My passion for missions is still so very strong and I know that is a God-given passion that will be fulfilled someday. Whether that means short-term trips or long-term trips my heart is still on fire to know Him and make Him known.
I love and appreciate all of you who have supported me financially and prayerfully over the last year. I apologize for not sharing the truth of my struggles on the World Race and I pray that you don’t feel like your donations were wasted because even through complete and udder sickness the Lord used me in so many ways that even I cannot fathom.
Please continue to join me in prayer for the healing of my body so I can get back out there soon! Thank you with all of my heart for reading and following my journey.
Until next time <3
-Becca
