Meet my amazing B-squad family!!!!
Saturday I drove up to Copperhill, TN to spend 10 days with my new World Race family and learn more about this new adventure God has placed in our lives. Less than 60 hours into this experience and already I feel as if my world has been completely flipped upside down.
The first 1 1/2 days of camp were really rough for me. I like to think that i’m a decently strong person. I’m adaptable to situations and thrive off of change. This usually means that new challenges are exciting to me and I can make anything work. Completely the opposite of how I felt here.
Yesterday morning I was sitting at breakfast, eating fish soup (eww!) and thinking how all I really wanted was to blow dry my hair and put on clean clothes. I mean, to be fair i was reallllly gross, but I just couldn’t get my mindset in the right place. Couldn’t focus on the Lord or open myself up to what he might want to change in my life. I was covered in feelings of doubt and insecurity.
“God, I don’t belong here. These people are so much holier than me. There is NO way this is where you are calling me.” I was sick with fear that I had completely misjudged where the Lord wanted me to be.
Despite all my questions I made myself remember the moment I felt the Lord pushing me towards international missions. I remembered the absolute certainty that came with it and so I decided to keep pushing through a little longer and see what happened. I kept setting up my tent, kept hauling around my pack, kept spending time with the people God has placed on this journey alongside of me.
Yesterday afternoon I realized that the only thing that would set my heart at rest was the thing I didn’t really want to do at all – be super honest and real with God. So I confessed all of my doubt. And then I started praying like I never have before. Praying for confirmation, praying for grace in all of the places I fall so short, praying for confidence in who God created me to be. And then I prayed for something I’ve never prayed for before – for the Holy Spirit to come and come strong. Let me to tell you, don’t pray for the Holy Spirit if you don’t want it because it is INTENSE!!! I was overwhelmed by His presence and humbled at how selfish I have been living.
Once I allowed God enough space to get inside and break so much of me, I was able to focus on the reason I wanted to do WR in the first place – my love for people around the world and my desire to see lives transformed by the power of Jesus. I started to pray for the nations. For the beautiful people we will encounter on our journey. I started praying for hope to rise in the people of Latin America. For redemption to come to Thailand. For political unrest to cease and people to be freed in Africa.
These prayers led me to the simplest and yet biggest revelation of all – it’s not about me anymore. I mean, it really never was.
It doesn't matter if I’m hungry, look like a hot mess or feel a little bit uncomfortable. Because it’s not about me. It’s about God calling me to live radically for Him and love people fiercely. It’s about seeing injustice in the world and knowing we are called to do something about it. It’s about believing that the Lord really meant it when He said “on earth as it is in heaven.” In many places around the world there are very few glimpses of heaven. I want to change that. My squad wants to change that. And when the Holy Spirit invades your life and leaves you with a desire as strong as this, there is no other option but to go.
"Heal the sick, raise the dead, cleanse the lepers, cast out demons. Freely you have received, freely give."
Matthew 10:8
