Since coming to Lesotho, I have grown personally in so many ways. I wrote and gave a devotional at the Soup Kitchen ministry, prayed for random strangers in the middle of Mokhotlong, gave my ENTIRE testimony to my team and then the next day to a church. Sunday, me and two of my teammates prayed healing over the queen of a village. You read that correctly. We got to tell a queen that the King loves her and values her and believes that she is beautiful and worthy and then were given the opportunity to pray for her sickness. I know all of you back at home think I am some incredibly courageous child, but I am not good at speaking to people. I spoke in front of a church a couple of months ago and got so nervous that I got the worst case of cotton mouth ever known to man. (If you were there to witness that, I would appreciate you erasing that from your memory.) Something cool happens, though, when you just give your fears and nerves and anxiety to God. Don’t try and hide it from Him. Just be honest. “Hey, God. I am terrified right now, but I know you want to use me in this situation. Lead me. Guide me. I trust You. I love You.” That’s all it takes. All you have to do is ask God to help you through things and then trust that he is going to. He is a kind God, after all.
I just decided mid writing this blog to be courageous. I almost let myself post this blog and not tell you about the hard parts of trusting God. That’s unfair to you… so here goes nothing.
When we were in Swaziland, I wrote a blog about fearlessness. I was experiencing fearlessness. Not long after that, I was caught directly in the middle of the spiritual warfare that I thought I was going to be able to float by without being hit personally. I saw my squamates experiencing it, but I didn’t think anything was going to happen to me. Over the next couple of weeks in Swaziland, though, I started experiencing A LOT of anxiety.
One night, all of the girls were doing Zumba, and the guys were all meeting together to talk. I was having a bad day and so I didn’t go to Zumba, but instead sat at the foot of the cross at the Anchor Center and listened to music. I thought I would find safety at the cross. For a moment, I took my headphones out and heard the guys talking about a darkness that they were seeing. It hit me very suddenly that I was sitting alone outside and no one knew I was there. I was alone with this darkness and I was terrified. In that moment, it seemed like rather than having that fearlessness from before, I had received the fear from every single person on the squad. I had an anxiety attack that night. I couldn’t breathe, and I couldn’t make sense of the situation. I was so scared.
I was searching for those angels that night. The angels that were standing shoulder to shoulder protecting us just days earlier, but I couldn’t find them. I didn’t realize until much later, but God was trying to show me something else. Every single guy on my squad walked hand in hand around the grounds that night and cast out the darkness. They were the angels sent to take care of me. Trusting God was the last thing on my mind that night, but he provided for me anyway. This anxiety thing has been following me around ever since then. Satan has attacked me in what seems like every way he can think of. He took over my thoughts, and made my place that I go to with God feel unsafe. He has brought up insecurities from my past and he has even hit me with physical problems. I literally fell down some stairs two days ago and got a minor concussion. (I am fine- only a little embarrassed.) He has been doing anything he can think of to make me weak.
Since then, I discovered something about myself. Something I think Satan was counting on not happening for his plans to work. I want you to assume this thing I learned from God is something He is saying directly to you, right now. That thing is this: “You are powerful. You have the power to cast out demons. You have the power to move mountains. Your testimony is powerful. Your story can change lives. The things that happen to you can be used for My good. You are beautiful. You are valuable. You are never alone. I have already won, therefore Satan cannot.”
Now think back to all of the things I told you that I have done this month. Think about what I experienced and what must have been going through my mind as these things happened. I could not have done these things without God. It doesn’t make sense that I could have done them alone. Alone, I am an insecure girl who is bad at public speaking. Before this year, I had never prayed out loud before, let alone for a queen and before this week, I had never told my entire testimony out loud to anyone. Alone I am nothing. With Christ, I am more than enough. With Christ, I can be fearless when it makes absolutely no sense for me to be anything but fearful.
Not only am I these things, but so are you. So is my team. So is my squad. God hasn’t only been moving in my life this month but in the lives of everyone around me. Emily spoke in front of an entire church the other day. Blake did the same. Blake also gave a sermon in front of the church directly after I gave my testimony. Jesse gave her testimony just minutes before. Megan has opened up in more ways than one since getting here, including speaking life into a group at the soup kitchen. Josh directed an entire Everything skit and preformed it in less than two days. Will preached the Gospel at the hospital and just shaved his head out of fearlessness. As a team, we went door to door telling people that they were loved by God himself. We have been able to speak life into people and into each other. We have been walking in fearlessness that can ONLY be from Christ.
God is bigger than your anxiety. God is bigger than your fear. God is bigger than your insecurities. God is bigger than your pain. God is bigger than whatever you are struggling with right now. God CAN use you. God WANTS to use you. God is ALWAYS with you. No matter what it is you are walking through, you are not alone. Giving it to God just means acknowledging whatever you are going through and saying, “I don’t know what to do with this, God. I can’t figure this out alone and I can’t get through this on my own. I’m inviting you into my problems. I’m giving you full control of my life. I need Your help. I love you. Thank you.”
SOMETIMES LIFE IS HARD, BUT YOU CAN DO HARD THINGS.
