Sometimes I wonder. Maybe sometimes isn’t actually the right word, I ALWAYS wonder. I wonder why, wonder if I’m good enough, I wonder where I might end up, I wonder when I’ll feel complete. For so long this wonder translated into doubt, I had decided that if I couldn’t feel certain about every detail then maybe I wasn’t a true Christian and even thoughts about the reality of God himself crept into my mind. If God is real and as all knowing as everyone claims, couldn’t he satisfy this longing for more?
So often I find that I am convincing myself that my wonder disqualifies me from a full life with Jesus. I’ve bought into the lie that God doesn’t want me in my muddle. News flash, God not only wants our confusion, but He delights in our disorder, He is excited to step in and offer His perfect clarity.
Have you ever thought about how the small period between engagement and marriage works? You are certain that this is the person you will spend forever with despite the fact that you don’t know every detail about them. You know enough about them to trust them with your forever but you don’t actually know everything about them. You aren’t certain about every decision they are going to make, you don’t know every argument you’re going to get into, regardless of what you may think you haven’t experienced every character trait. These things come with time, time together. Nevertheless, you make the choice to make a covenant with them, together you decide on a small piece of forever. Fast forward 50 years, we have all met couples who have been in it for the long haul. These couples know just about everything about each other, they know the ins and outs of each other better than anyone else, they’ve often even experienced more life together than apart, yet they still don’t know every detail about each other. They don’t know every thought that runs through the others head.
This is the same way I view my relationship with the Lord. As much as I want to know every detail about Him, it isn’t possible. But the more I spend time in His presence the more I discover, just when I think that I have Him figured out, He offers me more, never letting me get to the end of the rope. Although I so badly want to get there, so deeply desire to know every intricate detail, He knows I can’t handle it. He knows my terminable brain can’t hold the full capacity of His goodness. So He waits. He stands patiently awaiting His bride.
7 Let us rejoice and be glad
and give him glory!
For the wedding of the Lamb has come,
and his bride has made herself ready.
8 Fine linen, bright and clean,
was given her to wear.”
(Fine linen stands for the righteous acts of God’s holy people.)
9 Then the angel said to me, “Write this: Blessed are those who are invited to the wedding supper of the Lamb!” And he added, “These are the true words of God.”
10 At this I fell at his feet to worship him. But he said to me, “Don’t do that! I am a fellow servant with you and with your brothers and sisters who hold to the testimony of Jesus. Worship God! For it is the Spirit of prophecy who bears testimony to Jesus.”
Except this is different, it’s different because He already knows everything about us. He knows everything about us because we are made in His image, we are fully Him. He stands at the altar so excited, eyes welling with tears ready to welcome His bride, knowing that we get to decide on forever. After our wedding day in heaven, we will have a complete understanding, a time where we are fully known and fully know.
I’ve realized how the Lord is using my wonder to show me more of who He is. That within my wondering I get to find new pieces of Him, pieces of His character that I have yet to experience. I’ve come to realize that on this side of eternity I won’t ever stop wondering, I won’t stop wondering because I wasn’t designed to grasp how big our God is. My tiny brain wasn’t created to comprehend the fullness of God. If I could grasp His goodness, there would be no point. I’ve come to realize maybe completion doesn’t come from a lack of wonder but rather embracing the unknown.
