I am going to dive down deep with you all. To be honest, it makes me extremely uncomfortable to talk about, let alone put out in the open for anyone to read.
Most of you who really know me are aware that I wear a wig.
Those of you who don’t know this about me, Suprise!!
I was born with Alopecia which is an auto-immune disease and continue to struggle with it to this very day. Never once have I myself grown a full head of hair or had a full head of hair until my parents blessed me with a hairpiece. The wigs I have worn over the past couple years have brought me such happiness but also such despair.
Yes, I finally had the hair I had always dreamt of (believe me guys, my wig is legit and absolutely beautifully made) But I have hidden behind my wig not only physically, but mentally. I have made hair my identity when it is merely a physical attribute. I made myself miserable with the thoughts of people finding out, people (especially guys) thinking that I was weird because of something I couldn’t control.
It made me bitter being different. I was so intensely angry at God.
I thought, “How could you put this on me, Lord? What have I done to deserve this? You have no mercy. You are not good. You are not kind.”
I was continually fed lies by our enemy Satan who whispered thoughts into my ears telling me horrible, horrible things;
I wasn’t feminine.
I wasn’t beautiful.
I wasn’t worthy.
I would always be different.
I was a liar for wearing a wig and pretending to have something that I don’t.
I would never be accepted.
Lie after lie after lie.
Even coming into The World Race I brought with me my shame and my heaviness from the weight Satan forcefully put on my shoulders; weight that I unknowingly allowed myself to bear. Satan only has the power that YOU allow him to have and for the past 23 years, when it has come to my identity in having Alopecia, I have allowed him to let me feel worthless.
But let me tell you something, I am done.
I am done allowing Satan to feed me lies. I bind him. I bind Satan from my life, from the very core of my being. In the name of Jesus Christ I rebuke and cast out all of the negative and hateful feelings Satan has weighed me down with.
I know for a fact that Jesus blessed me with the women and men on The World Race but more specifically the women on my team. These girls, these women of faith have finally made me realize the shame I have been holding onto for all of these years and they have spoke TRUTH into me and opened my eyes that have been shut for so long. I have never had a community where I take off my wig and people quite literally place their hands on my head and pray for HEALING over me. Just yesterday, Nicole Taylor literally brought me into her room, anointed my head with oil, placed her hands on me and prayed for healing. And not just a short prayer saying, “Lord, heal this girl. bye.” Nicole puts her entire heart into each prayer and diligently and persistently recognized Jesus as the healer that he is and poured into me God’s love and MERCY.
The greatest thing is that I am now convinced and I know that God is going to heal me of this disease. That’s right, God is going to heal me. He has made that so clear and the women on my team are a testament to this, as well. They tell me almost every single day that I WILL have hair. I swear to the Lord up high that I feel the Holy Spirit’s presence more than I have ever felt anything else in my entire life.
God has such mercy on his children and I think that by finally having that faith, that mustard seed of faith, I am allowing myself to be healed from the inside out. I am gracefully becoming a new creation not only mentally but physically.
God is so, so good.
Jesus will never leave us alone in our shame, he gets on our level and he sure as heck isn’t afraid to get his hands dirty.
I have put up such a fight with the Lord in my bitterness that instead of running to him with my shame and my doubt, I ran away from him in anger and have never allowed myself to heal.
Today I can say with confidence that I am experiencing healing from the inside out. Every cell in my body is in song for Jesus.
God will never speak shame over me. I AM WORTHY.
I will say it again, I cast Satan out of heart. I rebuke all of the lies he has fed me, I spit them out. I am letting the Lord speak and wash his love over me, basking in the goodness that is our God.
I don’t know the hour or the day I will be healed, but I do know that day IS going to arrive.
It’s not just a wish anymore.
It’s not just a dream.
I have felt God so clearly tell me that my time is coming where I will be made an example of God’s everlasting love, mercy and healing.
If you could see my smile right now you wouldn’t be able to help but smile back.
I want to close out in letting everyone know that shame is quite literally a painful experience believing that we are flawed and unworthy of things such as love. Shame does not come from God. Shame comes from the enemy.. Cast Satan out. Close your mouth to the lies he so eagerly wants to fill you with. Freedom from shame comes when things are exposed and vulnerability happens.
Be vulnerable with God. Lift up your worries to him so that you can be healed as I have been healed. Because you are so WORTH it. You are worthy.
You are a beautiful creation.
2 Corinthians 5:17
“Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, the new creation has come: The old has gone, the new is here!”
Ephesians 3:17-18
“..so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith. And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power, together with all the Lord’s holy people, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ.”
Psalm 139:13-14
“For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother’s womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well.”
