Oct. 7th was a rough day. And by rough, I mean almost on the verge of miserable.
I decided that day (with a firm nudge from God (papa)) to not wear my wig. I felt such a push to not be led astray from what God was clearly pressing on my heart that I told my team and asked them to hold me accountable to stick with my decision to go without my wig for the day.
I want to be completely honest with you in that I prayed that night that I would wake up in the morning with a full head of hair. I prayed, “God, please heal me. Please HEAL ME. HEAL ME HEAL ME HEAL ME HEAL ME.” I prayed for hours, begging that I would be healed so that I wouldn’t have to walk around town tomorrow morning “vulnerable” and “out in the open.”
You might be able to guess the first emotion I felt when I woke up?
Disappointment.
I trudged down to the restroom, looked in the mirror and felt utterly defeated. The person sullenly staring back in the mirror wasn’t the woman I expected to see. I retraced my thoughts back to my previous blog post about healing and I knew, I KNEW back when I wrote that, that I would be healed. So where was this “healing”? Had God forgotten about this promise? Because I sure as heck hadn’t.
“Ask and you shall receive”… right?!
I knew that the plan for the day was to walk around the town with our new ministry host, Lydia (who happens to be absolutely fantastic) and I found myself becoming anxious and reluctant to leave the Church where I knew I would be safely hidden away from wandering eyes and “judgmental” stares. As we prepared to venture out into the town I ran up to the attic (where we are sleeping) and threw my beanie on my head and mentally prepared myself for a stressful day.
And you know what? The day was just that. Stressful.
I walked every step of the way through Svishtov, Bulgaria with my head down and my eyes at my feet. I allowed horrible, negative thoughts to poison my mind and I was most likely as fun to be around as a bag of rocks.
Once we got back to the church, I excused myself from the presence of my teammates and went upstairs to our “War Room.” This room was mutually agreed upon to be a room solely for prayer. A safe haven for unseen battles and a place of solitude to be alone with Christ.
If there was a door to the room, I would have slammed it as I entered. I was seething with anger. “Why do you put me through this, Lord?” I cried. “Why hasn’t healing come?”
I slowly got down on my knees, closed my eyes and cried. I cried for a long time.
That was when, in the soft humming of silence in the room, I heard God speak.
“Beloved, what are you so afraid of? Stop fearing the judgment of man. I ALONE AM GOD. I am the one and ONLY judge.”
I was speechless, but bitterness still swelled in my chest and I practically spit out the words, “I wouldn’t have to worry about the judgment of man if you would just heal me! You are capable of doing anything, Lord. You could snap your fingers and heal me right this second. Why the wait? Why?”
Again, The Lord calmly spoke;
“Beloved, your human eyes are prone to ‘expectations’ of healing. Expectations are not from me, expectations were created by human beings to give you a sense of control. I love you now, exactly where you are in this moment.”
That one drew me up short. It was true.. I had ‘expected’ healing to come in the form of physical hair magically appearing on my head. Like instant coffee, I ‘expected’ instant healing. I was trying to force God’s hand in how and when He would heal me, never realizing that healing wasn’t in my control. While I held a firm grip on control, I refused myself the ability to be healed in areas I never ‘expected’.
Yes, in the bible it does say, “Ask and you shall receive” but I had been translating that as, “Demand and you’ll receive pronto!” and “Request and you’ll most likely receive tomorrow.”
That day in the War Room I was ready to go to battle with God, but I ended up going to battle with myself.
When I was ready, I wiped my tears, took a deep breath and asked God, “Alright, Papa. I give. You’re right. What do I do now? What does healing look like to you?”
In that moment I felt a warming presence envelope my entire body, as if I was receiving a hug not only physically but to the depths of my soul. That warmth, that presence can only be described as Love. I felt so much Love.
“There is no fear in love. But, perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love. We love because he first loved us.” 1 John 4:18-19
It became clear to me that God doesn’t want to heal me solely on a physical basis. Our Lord, the creator of the Universe loves me so much that he wants to heal every fiber of my being, starting from the inside out. What better way to heal than with Love?
I can never be healed unless I love myself as God loves me right now, right this very second. Hair or no hair.
In that moment, I was thankful for sickness. I was thankful for disease. I was thankful for pain. Without any of these, we wouldn’t have a reason to cling to the Father like we do. If there was no pain there would be no healing and a world without healing is a world devoid of miracles.
I have experienced healing this month in ways that I never thought possible. I swear on my life that the minute I finally and without a doubt unclenched my grip on control and expectations, the process of healing began. I walked out of that room without expectations and my head held high, confident in Christ.
I am not giving up in my prayers to be physically healed from this disease but I would much rather be healed and at peace in my heart than be ‘healed’ on a superficial level.
We all tend to sit around and drive ourselves nuts trying to understand the smallest occurrences in our lives and interrogate God with questions. We forget that life isn’t meant to be understood, but is meant to be experienced.
Waiting on The Lord shapes our character (it most certainly has shaped mine) and when you question God, maybe you should first ask yourself if what you’re requesting is merely a human desire. I still catch myself questioning God, I’m only human, but for the past 3 weeks my questions have turned into praises; prayers of thanks for where I am now in this moment.
“Don’t fret or worry. Instead of worrying, pray. Let petitions and praises shape your worries into prayers, letting God know your concerns. Before you know it, a sense of God’s wholeness, everything coming together for good, will come and settle you down. It’s wonderful what happens when Christ displaces worry at the center of your life.” Philippians 4;6-7
The trials we face here on earth are miniscule in comparison to the joy and love we have in our Father. God, Papa, our Redeemer is so good.
I am proud to say that I am finally walking in Faith without expectations.
What a beautiful life we are living, Beloved.
“Faith never knows where it is being led, but it knows and loves the One who is leading.”
Oswald Chambers
I am currently 65% funded. Please join me in prayer for continued donations and support. If you feel the call to donate, please go to baileyswartzenberger.theworldrace.org and select “donate.”
Thank you and God bless!
