I’ve been wanting to write a blog for a while now, but trying to find the words that can begin to explain what has been going on is quite a hard task. I type a sentence… and erase … over and over. I don’t feel like there are enough words in the English dictionary to describe what God has shown me in the past 10 months.
In month 9 in Jamaica, we had two days of sessions with our whole squad. I was asked to speak about my testimony of the race which was an honor to me. If they would have asked me month 1 to speak…there’s no way I would have. But now, I am so amazed by God’s glory that there’s no way I can keep inside what He has done! It was a little easier to share with others who are also going through the same, so I wanted to share what I spoke about at the session.
In month 2 (Swaziland, Africa), one of my squad mates shared a vision that she saw from God. I wasn’t on this woman’s team, so we had only talked to a few times. Little did I know that this vision was a great representation of the next 9 months of this journey. This was her vision she spoke to me:
I was on an ice skating rink, and trying really hard to get up my momentum to skate fast. However, I had sandbags tied on to me. No mater how hard I tried to skate (to my Father), I couldn’t go anywhere. God spoke to her that once I get the sandbags off that has been there for years, I could sprint towards God with full force.
I took this vision to God, and he showed me more about it. The bags were tied around my limbs… Jesus was with me and said “are you ready?”, as he held giant scissors in this hands. I was scared, but I knew this was best. He cut off one bag, and he embraced me as I cried. He told me, “I know this hurts but its worth it”. My wrists had rope burn on them and indents where the bags were tied on so tight. This was a symbolism that even though it only took one choice to let this certain bag go that was holding me from my relationship with my Father, it would take a while to heal the rope burn. He continued to cut off the bags, one my one, with a huge hug after each painful cut.
I came on the race with heavy sandbags and rope burn. Each month, Jesus and I have been cutting ropes together. I gain speed with each cut! It is painful to let go of emotional and physical sandbags that I have carried for so long. I believed they were a part of me… but closeness with my Father is far more sweet than the attachments of this world.
Transformation
This journey has been about God transforming my heart, my thoughts, my emotions, and my actions. Before I left America, I prayed for God to mold me into the Bailey He created me to be.
Now to who Him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us, to Him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever! Amen. – Ephesians 3:20-21
Little did I know the transformation that God has planned for me this year, internally and externally!
Identity
For years I found my identity in what the world saw me as. If I was at a successful season in life, then I was valuable. If I was in a dark place, I was worthless. I remember writing in my journal in Lesotho, Africa (month 1) that I had no clue who I was. Throughout my life, I had created a false self. I was a person who I thought the world would like. God placed me in the middle of no where Africa to begin the process of becoming the women HE created me to be.
I remember telling my team leader, Braham, about how hard this was. I had to let go of all I knew about myself, and take on the true characters that God put into my spirit long ago. I told him, “Braham, this sucks. It hurts… but it is so good.”
The Lord started showing me with scripture the truth about myself. In Psalm 139, I learned that I am fearfully and wonderfully made. The God of the heavens and earth thinks I am beautiful! What?! When God says that, why would I ever need affirmation from the world to tell me?
I am God’s Daughter. God used my earthly father to show me what it means to be God’s daughter. When I do something to disappoint my earthly father, he doesn’t condemn me and kick me out of his life. He loves me so deeply and only desires the best for me. The same goes for God. When I mess up, he still loves me, seeks me out, and speaks life into me.
One of my favorite things God taught me about my identity is that He sees me for who I am at the END of the process. In the book of Judges, Gideon is called by God to bring Israel out oppression. He instantly denies his abilities and explains that he is the weakest and the youngest. But God doesn’t see what Gideon does. He sees him for who he is going to be which is why he calls him a mighty warrior. It is such a great feeling that God sees what I may not be able to right now.
I say to God I am worried… He says you are my fearless daughter!
I am not enough… You are more than enough for me Bailey.
I am not strong enough to do this!… My power is made perfect in your weakness!
I am such a mess Father… You are pure through my Son’s blood.
Be on the look out for part 2!
