I am sure vulnerability is defined more eloquently in some book out there written by an author much wiser than myself, but I do want to share what God has been teaching me recently. So, let’s talk about one of my biggest struggles… Choosing vulnerability over perfection.
Vulnerability at its finest is messy and that would mean giving up my image of perfection. Just the thought of the word “vulnerable” can make me cringe. Being vulnerable is dangerous, terrifying and sometimes painful as heck. Who would want that? It simply isn’t natural to put yourself “out there”. To expose yourself for everyone to see the good, bad, ugly and everything in between of what makes you, YOU. In being vulnerable you are ultimately giving others a chance to take aim at every joy and every wound of who you are. People can be mean. We all know this. It would just be easier, safer and wiser to protect yourself by not letting them in. Right?
The World Race encourages this thing referred to as vulnerability that requires you to be open and raw with the community around you. However, one of the hardest things about this concept is just how glorified vulnerability actually is here. If you are not vulnerable, you are not as good of a Christian as the person next to you who spills his or her guts out during every “team time”. I know that is not true… it is just difficult not to compare and simply be vulnerable because you feel led to rather than because you feel pressure to. And boy have I felt the pressure…
Recently, I started to compare myself so intensely with my squad mates, leaders and teammates that I felt like I was constantly on the search for the “perfect Racer”. I fell into this trap of striving to be perfect. I allowed everyone to only see just the right amount of what I was struggling with in order to seem like I had it all under control. I looked around and found everything that made me not measure up and then looked at myself only to see all of the failures and weaknesses that seemed to keep me from the perfection that I so longed for. I was striving to find my identity in this image because I thought I needed it to be strong and to protect myself. Therefore, I ran away from vulnerability at full sprint.
One day I was in the middle of this routine when the enemy hit me hard with reality. The hit took my breath away and knocked me off my feet. I found myself facedown on the ground soaking up my own blood, sweat and tears that were dripping from my wound and I was unable to get back up. I had allowed myself to fight the war on my own. I had forgotten what it meant to rely on the Lord to give me my identity and ultimately my freedom.
I thought I knew what it meant to walk in freedom, but I have recently realized that I was missing something – vulnerability. Walking in freedom doesn’t mean that you have it all figured out. Nor does it mean that there won’t be any more struggle or that the fight is now over. To walk in freedom is to find your identity in Him alone. The “walking” part happens when you not only know that all of your sins are forgiven, but that you also live out that forgiveness. I have been given freedom because I am imperfect and because I have weaknesses. In 2 Corinthians 12, Jesus says, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Imperfection means that I am human, and my human imperfection provides the ideal opportunity for the display of God’s divine power. I should not despise the weaknesses and imperfections within myself, because He uses them to draw me closer to Him. My constant dependence on Him creates a relationship with Him that is well worth the fight. However, dependence is a choice.
He is still teaching me, but I can truly say that my new goal is to choose vulnerability over perfection. For me, being vulnerable is to publicly announce that I AM A MESS. It’s admitting that there have been really hard moments when I almost said the words, “I want to go home.” Some days are really hard and make the ugly inside show through the cracks of my brokenness. I do not have it all figured out and I most definitely am NOT perfect! And that is okay, because with each declaration another chain falls. I am learning that to be vulnerable is to truly walk in the freedom I have found in Christ. What do I have to lose, but showing everyone who sees just what God is doing in me.
