The World Race is over.
I had been looking forward to the Race for what felt like forever.
1,269 days ago, my friend Sarah told me about the World Race at a concert (The Fray – wut wut!).
I know that seems obsessive. That I remember the details so well. And it probably is obsessive lol. But that’s how excited I was about it.
I remember the next day, getting on the computer and watching a promo video for the World Race and looking over at my mom and telling her I was going to do it.
And while there were times over the following months where I wondered if I was still going to do it or not, it was something that I always stuck with me.
Flash forward to January 7th, 2017 (924 days later).The day I arrived in Atlanta for Launch (a few extra days of training/”encouragement” before we head off)! I was about to embark on the “adventure of a lifetime” that I had been looking forward to for so long. But to tell you the truth, I was scared out of my mind. I was in a room full of people who were basically strangers, hearing stories from alumni about how hard the World Race was gonna be and to buckle up. I know they were just trying to prepare me, but I was already basically expecting the worst, so it wasn’t having the proper affect on me they likely intended. ((Thankfully, on the last day of launch, my Squad Mentor told us, despite all of these stories, she loved her World Race experience and we can too!)) I knew that the fear I was experiencing was a tactic from the Devil to keep me from going on this trip. And now, sitting in my room 341 days after I got on the airplane in ATL to head to Mozambique, I know for a fact that’s true. The enemy was trying to keep me home because he knew how much of a difference was going to be made in my life and the ones I came in touch with.
Now I have been home for almost a month. A lot of people have been asking me what I have been up to. To answer that question, mostly I have been prepping things for Christmas, doing a lot of cleaning and purging of my things (I am a recovering hoarder), and catching up on all of the shows I missed this year. But I have also been avoiding my feelings about being home. I have been avoiding God and anything that may make me face the reality that this year that I had been looking to for so long is over. I can never get it back. Even if for some reason I decided to do the World Race again, nothing would be the same and it would be a completely different experience. I know God hand-picked the squad I was on. God tailored the route and experience exactly for me. But now that time has passed.
God has me in a different season.
We received these “re-entry” packets to help us get thinking about what we want coming back home to look like. On the first page, there is a sentence that has helped me any time I have doubts about where I am. It says, “Going home is the right thing to do.” And I firmly believe that. God has been communicating that to me over these past few weeks through a series of coincidences that seem too purposeful to just be coincidences. (I hope to write another blog on that sometime soon.)
So now that I have been home for a month and am apparently this changed person who is so different than the person who left a year ago, why do I find myself slipping back into old ways? I’m trying to do this alone. I’m in denial about being in denial. I blame my circumstances and busy-ness for not spending time in prayer or reading my Bible.
Well, today I say, “no more.” I refuse to allow this to go on for any longer. I choose to grieve. I choose prayer and my Bible over Netflix. I choose crying/laughing hysterically on my bedroom floor for reasons I don’t even know. I choose to feel. I choose honesty. I choose Jesus.
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This will hopefully be one of a series of blogs that I write to process what I am going through as I walk through reentry and get my thoughts out on paper. I don’t usually like posting such personal blogs, but I feel led to post this to explain what it’s like to come back home after a life changing and perspective-altering experience. Also, for everyone who asks me how I’m doing and I usually say good – while I probably am good in the moment, the blog written above is how I’m actually feeling internally lol.
Please be praying for me as I figure out what life post-Race looks like. I know God has this beautifully planned out life for me and the Race was just the beginning, but I can’t get there without walking through the door of this last year and allowing God to close it.
