****I wrote this blog post a week or two ago, and it is incredible what honesty will do for you and for others. I was terribly wrong to think I was the only one feeling this way. The Lord has been so faithful since voicing my feelings, and I think I’m only breaking the surface of what He wants to unleash. With that said, here are my thoughts about friendship.
For the majority of my life I’ve struggled with the idea of “friendship.”
I didn’t know any difference then but growing up “friendship” in my mind was just something that existed when you happened to be in the same room as people you enjoyed spending time with. It was temporary and required very little work.
In hindsight, it all makes sense. Practically every year since I was five, my best friend, a close friend or an important person in my life moved away or to another school. Friendships equated to limited time and limited closeness. Even in high school, friendship was still a temporary concept. I would see my friends at school, school functions (aka sporting events), and for the occasional birthday party. We even talk about it to this day. My friend group could and went multiple summers without seeing one another or even really talking for that matter. I didn’t know that wasn’t how the Lord intended community to be.
I also didn’t realize it at the time, but during those precious and developmental years in high school and college, my heart started to create this unidentified desperation for lasting friendships and strong community. This became more evident during my senior year of college. Honestly, by that point I had started grasping at straws…I joined a book club. A BOOK CLUB. I, Bailee Nicole Thomas, had grown such an intense longing that I joined a small group that added additional reading to my life while I was in the midst of writing my 45-page senior paper. That book club met a total of, wait for it, three times over the course of five months and quickly dissolved into oblivion. I even tried again my second semester. I joined an “established” connect group at my church, which ended up consisting of me, two other girls in their 20s (who were in completely opposite places in life from me), and a handful of women 50+. And, while I am so grateful for that group and the role they played during that season of life, I was still left wrestling with this concept of friendship.
I finally recognized that I was feeling unchallenged in my pursuit of the Lord from people my own age.
There was no consistency in being challenged to seek Him or regular conversations that even involved Him. I really didn’t get it. I had gone to a Christian school my entire life, and then I went to a Christian university where people were supposedly going to be “like-minded” and where I’d find my “iron sharpen iron” lifetime pals. I often wondered if I was the only one feeling this way. I saw groups of people become close friends every single year, and at least their appearance gave off vibes of strong brotherhood and sisterhood.
Most of the time I would take it upon myself. What was I doing wrong? Was I not asking the right questions or attending the right groups or even “Christian enough” to attract the right people? I wondered if my current relationships could turn into those types of friendships, but after a series of events that left me hurt more than I realized, I was scared to even try.
I have to pause here to clarify some things. To all of my friends, family and anyone that’s come into my life for a season or longer, you’ve taught me something very important, and for that I am forever grateful. I recognize that I’ve had friends that have stuck by my side for years now, and you all mean the world to me. I know that I am loved and so supported. HOWEVER, the devil is out for keeps, and I’m no dummy. So, if he can’t get me to renounce my faith, the enemy is at least going to find some way to make my light burn a little dimmer.
He knew that if he could get me alone in this journey (or at least feeling like I was alone), I would struggle with isolation, internalization, negativity, minimizing my own feelings and closing off my heart. I wonder how many opportunities I missed out on getting to connect with people because I thought I would receive negative feedback or because subconsciously, I thought they’d be exiting my life soon after. It’s scary to open up to people or friends that could potentially leave you or not even care about this Jesus that you’re supposed to have a common faith in. Building a relationship…a life with a community is something I’m so adamant the Lord designed to help us navigate this crazy life. We’re supposed to be able to freely go to one another with our questions, doubts, excitement and encouragement. We’re supposed to be challenged by our friends and pushed into deeper relationship with the Father because of time spent together.
I think this is something I’ve missed out greatly on, and coming onto the race, it was one of the things I was looking forward to and hoping for the most.
It’s cool and sort of crazy to look back and see that even before I realized that longing was there, I was voicing that desire. Sometimes we don’t have the words to name our feelings and desires, and sometimes we do but just don’t recognize that need has been there all along. This is a screenshot from the fall of 2018. I was answering questions for my World Race bio right after I had been accepted.
How my heart was aching to be challenged…and how it still is…and how I hope it always will be, but in a different way…in a way that’s fulfilled. Recently, I’ve been privileged to have seen and now experienced a glimpse at what true friendship is supposed to look like. And it’s completely changed the way I view God. I see now how and why I’ve struggled to be as steadfast in my relationship with the Lord as I’ve liked. My relationships with people became a model for what a relationship with the Lord looked like. I went to Him, but not like a good friend would. I was far from getting my daily bread. I thought we were solid, but I felt distant and unloved. I most often feel loved through quality time, yet I was only sometimes spending a fraction of the day with the one I call “Lord.”
I was literally starving myself of true fellowship with my Creator. No wonder I felt alone and unchallenged and dealt with internalized feelings and negativity. I projected my earthly relationships onto my heavenly one, which was a tragic mistake.
I take responsibility for my actions of being too scared to pursue and ask for friendships that pushed me deeper in love with the Lord. I know I too am at fault and take full responsibility for not being that friend I so desired. I’ve done friendship wrong for far too long, and I’m sorrowful because of it. BUT, no longer will I choose to sit and live in relationships that aren’t growing me. I want to be a source of heat for cold souls. I want to be set ABLAZE. And I can’t do it alone.
So, does anyone want to be my friend?
A follow-up to this post is coming real soon, so keep yo eyes peeled. The Lord’s been doing great things, and I’m thankful I get to share them with you. I pray that you are being encouraged and challenged as deeply as I am exactly where you are. Feel free to reach out anytime to talk or pray. LOVE Y’ALL.
-Bailee
