I started writing this two weeks ago. I think that putting words to paper makes this all the more real and final, but the Lord has been so faithful to take what I thought was so devastating and create space for family, continued community and sweet sweet reliance on my Creator. BUT, it did take me a minute to get here.
Friday, March 13th at 11:00am. Our mentor asked if the three squad leaders could join her quickly for a call. I was naïve to think it was going to be a call about PVT (our Parent Vision Trip that had just been cancelled). My heart sunk when she said the words “there are squads on their way home.” We had known about COVID-19 for months now and also the recent escalation of it, but the thought never once crossed my mind that my race might end early. When I signed up for the race, I had made it up in my mind that it was going to be eleven months…it was going to be three-hundred and some days before I would step foot back on US soil, before I would eat familiar food, hear familiar voices and see familiar faces. I felt like I had taken a blow to the stomach. I kind of fell apart and had to pull myself together to relay this information to the three teams I was with within the next two hours. Lucky for me, the group took it a lot better than I had (shoutout to y’all for being so strong& holding me when I felt weak). Two days later, it was confirmed that we would be going home, and another two days after that we were on a flight home.
Saying goodbye so suddenly to people that you thought you would see every day for the next three months doesn’t really feel real. Don’t get me wrong, I definitely cried my fair share of tears with each goodbye, but I don’t believe I truly knew or felt the gravity of what those moments actually meant.
I wasn’t going to get my ATL (ask the Lord) month with the most stellar all girl team the World Race had probably ever seen. I wasn’t going to get to visit my friends in Bulgaria and see their new baby. There would be no month eight debrief where we discussed our futures and prepped our minds and hearts for the end of the race. No Albania…the country I thought…I somehow knew that I would fall in love with. No month eleven. The month that I was finally going to get to spend time with my team. It was supposed to be the sweetest of months getting to spend endless hours with the two people I had gone through so much with and conquered the crazy race with all the while doing it long distance. There would be no final debrief in Greece. No dance parties or emotional speeches or roasts or late nights reminiscing about the past eleven months that were spent chasing the Lord in foreign countries. I had been thinking about what my final words to my squad were going to be for the past few weeks, but now that moment I had begun to dream about would no longer become a reality. I realized there was so much that was about to be taken away from me.
It was hard for me to believe that I would grow as much back home as I would have the last three months on the race. I thought that growth was being stripped from me.
I wasn’t supposed to be here. I wasn’t supposed to greet my family having left so abruptly and with such deep sadness in my heart. I was supposed to be this girl that had learned and grown and was going to show off the Lord’s goodness as I stepped off that plane in Oklahoma and embraced my parents. I was supposed to be prepared to step back into my home life and relationships that I hadn’t seen in a year. I think that was the hardest part to move past. I just wasn’t prepared. Prepared to be home, prepared to do this…and I didn’t want to give my family the Bailee I was coming home as.
The first full day back home was the hardest. That sounds so dumb to even say cause DUH it was only the first day!…but every comment and question about the race felt like a blow to the heart. It felt like anything, whether good or “bad,” spoken about the race was minimizing the experience I had just poured myself into (which obviously was not the truth). I could feel myself walking on eggshells with what even I was saying. That was not the Bailee I wanted to come home as, and I truly just felt embarrassed that that was what my family was dealing with. I mean I’m talking deep sadness being an understatement. It’s weird to even look back at how I felt those first few days with how little time has passed since then, but the amount of healing that’s occurred over these last few weeks is wild. The first Sunday back we were listening to church online…and it was one of those services where you’re in attendance, but the Lord is just speaking differently to you altogether. But honestly, I don’t think pastor would be upset to know that I didn’t hear one word he said because I was too busy listening to all the words the Lord was speaking. I felt like the Lord started pulling me back to reality that morning. I felt the reminder that my future on the race was always uncertain…and so was my future back home. That fact hadn’t changed, so why should the way I live change? I felt like the Lord was asking me to be present where I am no matter the location because that’s what He always wants from us. He wants us to pursue people and pursue Him always…there’s no exception. It was the start of the good kick in the butt that I needed haha.
A few days later, I was reading in Numbers and was C O N V I C T E D.
Chapter 16:9-10, “…is it too small a thing for you that the God of Israel has separated you from the congregation of Israel, to bring you near to himself, to do service in the tabernacle of the Lord and to stand before the congregation to minister to them, and that he has brought you near him, and all your brothers the sons of Levi with you?”
WOO DOG I felt the pain of that one. I said, “Alright God. I definitely see what you’re saying here.” “IS IT TOO SMALL A THING? Is it too small a thing that I would bring you home to Oklahoma to love and pursue your family well? Is it too small a thing that I would bring you home so that I can bring you nearer to me? Why did you need the last three months of the race, Bailee?” That’s when I accepted the truth. If eight months was all the Lord needed from me on the race, and if He knew before He created the stars that He would bring me home at this exact time, then that’s more than enough for me. It always comes back to trust. How much of my dependency had I placed in His hands? After this realization hit me LIKE. A. TRUCK., it was easy to accept that the race ending wasn’t my life ending.
I’ll make the assumption that the answer to, “What do you miss most about the race?” for the large majority of racers, would be – community. It’s hard to say goodbye to people you love so much that have created such a safe space to share your life, questions and thoughts about God. It’s really hard to let that go…but then again, is it letting go? There’s something so special about being in a foreign land that allows relationships to form quickly and deeply, and no amount of distance can change the way I feel about the twenty-nine people I fell in love with. That’s not over. (Sorry if you were planning to get rid of me, squad 😉 )
I don’t believe that coming home is the end of my race. I always knew that the race was bigger than that. It was eight very foundational months that were perfectly orchestrated to help prepare me for all the future endeavors to come. It was to help me become a better daughter, sister, friend, employee, servant, prayer warrior, wife, mother, grandma…it was never really going to “end”…the scenery was just going to look different. Remembering my intentions for the race and what I knew it was going to be before ever stepping foot in Mongolia and learning about friendship, or sitting on a couch in Kazakhstan repenting from allowing any idols in my life other than my Savior, or getting to squish the faces of the twelve cutest nuggets in the world, or just sitting alone in the mornings of Romania to let Him speak truths that were preparing me for the unexpected…it’s that reminder of why I chose the race that makes it easier to let it go. I simply went to pursue. I went to seek the Lord. Those reasons haven’t changed…just the scenery has.
Thanks so much for taking time out of your day to read this. It truly means a lot, and I hope in the next few weeks I can share more about the process of coming back home and also just moments on the field that I think y’all would love to hear about 🙂 But more than that, I’d love to hear how YOU are! Send me a message or give me a call! I’d love to catch up and partner in prayer with you as we all navigate this crazy time in life.
Much love,
Bailee
